And how do you “answer the call” when death’s on the other end? Byock noted that one stumbling block so many of us face is the feeling that we’ve left relationships “unrepaired.” And this feeling of incompletion prevents us from letting go easily.

“The relationship in our lives that most urgently needs to be repaired is the relationship with ourselves,” Byock added. “We’re awfully hard on ourselves. Many carry wounds that are based on internalized expectations. I was never good enough… My lifelong dream remains out of reach.”

Byock suggests four strategies–“lessons”–for repairing the relationships in our lives, including the all-important relationship with ourselves:

“Lesson 1: Human beings are imperfect. We strive for perfection, but even the best people tend to die imperfect. We’re just human. Get over it. Being human is good enough. Many of us are raised as human DOINGS, rather than human beings. Then when we get sick, and we can’t DO, we start to feel bad about ourselves. Have some mercy on yourself.

“Lesson 2: Mortality teaches us a lot about life; it teaches us about what matters most. The answer will always include names of the people [we] love most. It’s a constant across the human continuum. The things that matter most aren’t things at all. Our human connections are the things that matter most. Our relationships are the potential source of enormous gratification… as well as the source of emotional pain and suffering.

“Lesson 3: Relationships aren’t perfect. We all carry traumas and wounds, and they can open all too quickly. If it weren’t for mortality, there would be no urgency, no pressure, to deal with this stuff in our lives. But the fact is, on any give day, all of us live just a heartbeat from infinity.

“Lesson 4: Healing is possible. The unwanted fact of death often encourages or forces people to face the fact that what matters most is other people. Barriers that used to look insurmountable look approachable, perhaps for the first time in many years… For most of us, it’s not about the other person; it’s about us. It’s a sophisticated strategy for letting go of the emotional baggage that we’re carrying around… The person making the good faith effort is always better off emotionally for having tried. Show up and have good intentions–that’s about as much anyone can do.”

These wise words boil down to a simple truth we all understand, deep inside: love is the answer. If we forgive and love ourselves as much as we do our families and friends, we might just find it easier to let go when death comes knocking.