Originally Posted November 10, 2008. Updated November 27, 2008.
Image Credit: Engage with Grace
My father died of cancer 4 years ago. He wanted to die at home, in the bed he and my mom had shared for nearly 60 years. So, helped by regular hospital visits to drain fluid from his ch...
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Engage With Grace: Preparing for the End of a Life
11/12/08 12:17pm
I really liked your comment, "The problem is, most of us don't make our choices known: to family, friends or, truth be told, sometimes even to ourselves."
It's tough to think through these issues, and easier to ignore them. Those of us who have been exposed to many deaths often wake up and quit denying. But getting in gear to actually do something about it is another thing. As you say, P.J., if an email can make its way around the world, why the engagewithgrace.org project?
Carol
11/14/08 12:05am
well, home care is the ideal(maybe not for the caretakers, or the respite staff, and i can tell u from much experience working in "skilled" nursing facilities, which a recent report shows 90% of which are UNDERSTAFFED, i would NEVER want to die in one of them.It really struck home when I saw a woman crying in one of them, i felt because her family were not there.
A question for all, would u think it's not a good idea to have a middle age child(9yrs and over) to witness their relative going through the dying process, in their own home?
11/14/08 5:53am
Inda, I think children of all ages can handle dying - because the good parent will lknow how to pull them through it, by involving them to the degree that they, as a mother or father, know the child can handle. The vast majority of people used to die at home in this country; worldwide, that's still true. Children have been present during end-of-life since the world began. So yes, I think children can and need to handle death, so long as an adult helps them. All of us NOT being exposed to dying, ever, is what makes us so reluctant to face it, I think. PJH
11/14/08 12:08pm
12/ 1/08 11:13am
For more reactions to Engage with Grace and end-of-life conversations, read:
Ann's Story:
http://www.healthcentral.com/diabetes/c/9993/50431/engage-project
Merely Me's Story:
http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/84292/50512/conversation
You can also post your thoughts on the Engage with Grace web site, in the Our Stories section.
1/ 5/09 8:44am
Yes, its important to understand death, but is it really fair to keep someone alive at the expense of that person as well as their family? My father has been dying for the last 5 years, and I have been forced to watch this long, slow process. Recently, my mom and I moved in with him after a long divorice because he can hardly walk to use the washroom, he can't cook himself a proper meal, and he was living in filth because he couldn't move to clean. We even need to bathe him. I'm glad that he is still alive, but I wish that we could afford professional health care for him because it hurts everyone to see him suffer so much for so many years, and we can't begin to provide all the care he needs. Its hard to see anyone die, but if you know that you are just going to get worse over many years, think about what your choice to die at home is doing to your family, especially your children. In the case of my dad, his decision to die at home has put strain on the whole family, both emotionally and financially. My mom works a full time job, and hardly has enough time to fall asleep to TV after taking care of him. I go to school full time, so the only time I can even try to help is during weekend visits.
As a side note, a majority of his health problems are a direct result of lack of care or effort. He completely let himself go, and refused to do anything that might benefit his health. For the people who don't yet have health problems, think about howyour daily choices are going to affect your family. If your poor choices can lead to you being severely disabled, remember that those choices aren't just going to bother you... they can and will disrupt your whole family.
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I am so glad you posted this. I just recently made a living will prior to my double mastectomy, but I never thought of saying that if possible, I would like to die at home. It really gives you something to think about. Now I have to see how I can adjust the will to say that I would like to die at home.
Thanks.
Glad the Engage with Grace project reminded you about this important step. Gee, now I'd better go back and check my Living Will, too... PJH