It's no secret that this reoccurence has hit me hard, setting me back in a devastational tailspin of emotions. While I am confident that I will beat breast cancer once again, I find myself faced with many fears, doubts, and concerns.
For instance it's been quite some time (about a year) since I had surgery with a new doctor. With my plastic surgeon I have a high level of comfort, reliability and respect. He knows how uncomfortable I am with needles, especially IV's. He knows that they cause me a great deal of anxiety because not only am I limited to only one arm for use (I had all my lymph nodes removed from my right side) but I have horrible veins as well that just do not cooperate. So when this new doctor began going over all the risks involved with surgically placing a port-a-cath I began to panic. I know there is a risk of death in all surgeries, but I just do not recall ever being told these risks when I had my last port placed. The risks alone where almost enough to make me want to pass on getting one. Due to my panic attack, I can't even say that I recall leaving the office - and to be honest I haven't given much thought to the whole thing until last night when we had to book an airline ticket for my husband's little brother to come out for the summer. May 9th is creeping up awefully fast. I'm terrified about going into surgery with a new doctor. I'm scared of my lung collapsing from the placement of the port. I'm devastated to be here again. I know I can do chemotherapy, but I have never done radiation. I've read both good and bad things about it. I'm just not ready for any of this right now. Seriously, cancer has screwed up the rest of my year. There will be no real vacation this year. I won't get to finish breast reconstruction this year, maybe not even next. I won't be putting this chapter of my life behind me, I won't be celebrating my 3rd anniversary of living cancer free. So forgive me for being bitter. Right now I am scared out of my mind - not just for myself, but for my husband and daughter. My husband has lost his grandfather and father to cancer. My daughter is afraid of losing both of us. My husband thinks that we as a family should attend therapy - and though I don't necessarily beleive that I need it for myself, I do worry constantly how it may affect her, or what thoughts may be running through her head.
I recall as a child thinking that my parents divorce had been my fault, cause of something I had done. I don't want my daughter thinking in any way that she may have or could have cause this to happen. I think that while I am experiencing problems coping, I think it's due to the shock of it all. Probably because it had been growing inside me and I was totally clueless. I thought after my last run in with breast cancer that I was a pro at it and that I would never have to go through it all again. Boy was I wrong! Now I just have to try to see this as another learning experience - one that would make me an expert, and one that I can share with you.
