Hi everyone! I am writing as a 7-year breat cancer survivor, from the "other side" of the breast cancer experience. I've written a book about my experience, and it's called Bright Side of the Road. Please visit my site and read more about it: www.annemariebennett.com Also, I'm hosting a Blog Tour (all virtual) for my book. Please let me know if you'd like me to guest post, or post an interview with me on your blog. Peace, joy, gratitude, Anne Marie
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in October 2005 and my mother April 2006. In my eyes there are no bright sides to any stage, diagnosis, recovery. It takes over your
whole life. Always in the back of my mind. Tired, sick of being sick. Sad, so sad when my mum was diagnosed. Heartbroken because I am on my own with my son. Friend's faded away. Lost myself in this so called journey. Don't know this person now. Where did I go stuck in an abyss, where is that person I was and miss, broken hearted, bleeding soul, falling, falling into that hole. Please God make it just a dream and take me back to yesterday. I want my life back. Sick of living in fear.
Oh my dear Isabella... I know exactly how you feel. I went through the same thing at the beginning of my journey. A bright side to cancer or any other scary thing that happens to us is not about denying those hard, scary feelings of grief and despair and loss. It's about wading through the muck of those feelings, allowing them, and eventually getting to the other side. You are perfectly okay to be feeling what you're feeling. And Spirit (or God, the Divine...whatever you choose to call the Divine) is right there with you, even now. Don't doubt it. And your own magnificent self is also there, under the muck and grime of the fear and grief. Just be there for yourself. And allow Spirit and others to be there for you too. I am holding you in prayer and light. All shall be well.
Isabella, Anne Marie is a wise woman; I hope you can take her words to heart. My son once told me, "Mom, why worry about anything? All it does is make you feel bad. If what you're worrying about comes true, then deal with it; but why waste your time deliberately making yourself stressed?" He's right. I've taken his words to heart, or tried to - and keep trying to, because we all backslide now and then. One thing I've learned: the only thing we can control in this life is our own attitude. I have cancer. I can choose to be fearful about where it will take me; or I can choose to wake up each day ready to enjoy life. I choose the latter. I CHOOSE the latter; my choice. It was a read watershed moment when I discovered I could decide how to feel... Meditation helps me. Counseling or meditation might help you. Whatever it takes, I hope you come to a calm, happy place in your life - your new life. There's no going back to who you were; only forward, to the contented, happy woman you might be. Good luck - PJH
I am so sorry that you too must go through this. I was diagnosed four months ago. I also keep wishing it would just go away! I am done with the surgery and radiation. next week I must start taking femara. I am having a hard time accepting this as there are so many horrible side effects.. I haven't felt well for so long, I just don't know if I can deal with taking this..I completely understand how you feel..no, we are not alone but each of us still must go through it. We can't let the cancer beat us..we must take control and choose to live and to fight. What kind of breast cancer do you have? If you would like to talk about it, I would be happy to listen..we could compare notes. I am thinking with all the research going on, there surely will be a cure for us soon. We just have to hang in there..even if it sucks! It does help to have a good dr. that you trust and let him help you with those big decisions..I hope you feel better soon....jodi
Jodi, thank you for responding to my comment. I was diagnosed on the 17th October, 2005 with Grade 1 Stage 2 DCIS Invasive Beast Cancer. I had a lumpectomy and a sentinel node biopsy [ouch] done. No lymph nodes involved. I then had 7 weeks of radiotherapy. I was placed on Aridimex, but after two years I developed osteopenia of the spine, hip and neck of the femur. I was put on Tamoxifen. Side effects made me back flip after a year and go back on Aridimex. That lasted three months. I was also taking Protos for my bones. The pain was unbearable, so here I go again back on Tamoxifen. I become very agitated and have panic attacks. I used to laugh so much. I still laugh, but not from the bottom of my boots anymore. I lost my beautiful best friend to a brain tumour. I sat by her side for three months and it still haunts me to this day. Oh how I miss her. How do you stop your mind from ticking over so much? Anyway Jodi, tell me about yourself. My memory is not the best either. Thank you for answering my call. God bless you. 
Isabella, you sound so much like me! I too am having some other very trying things going on around me while I am trying to get well and get back to my old self. I think I am depressed as I am not motivated to do anything anymore so I have to push myself. I have stage one breast cancer, two kinds, one in the duct.in situ and one invasive....out of the duct.........estrogen receptive.......caused by hormone replacement therapy, premarin and estrodiol...
I have had a large portion of my breast removed after the biopsy as well as the sentinal node and two more nodes..I did not need chemo because my onchotype dx showed only a score of 6. That means I only have only a 5 % chance of recurring cancer IF I take the aromatase inhibiter. my first one to try is femara and I have just been on it one week..so far, I don't feel any worst than usual. I have severe fibromyalgia and tmj, and osteoarthritis to start and an anxiety disorder. My husband is very supportive but he is tired of doing all the physical work. He works a job full time for insurance and we have apartments that we rent out. He is run ragged, poor guy..I am doing good to keep up with our big house and grandkids in and out which I end up babysitting quite often. My grown kids don't give me a break....I am starting to say no though..they are way too much for me.
I started getting a sore throat yesterday. I hope it isn't from the femara. Likely got something from the kids though. Anyway, when I had my surgery 14 weeks ago, it was clear....seems the got all the cancer in the biopsy but didn't know it..if it had not have been out of the duct., I would have been good but since it was, I had to have the 35 radiation treatments and now femara or whatever estrogen blocker I end up with. I am happy I don't get the chemo though. at least not now. Nove. 19th, I have the cat scan bone scan, mammagram again on other breast, bloodwork etc. to make sure there is no cancer growing anywhere since my last tests..then I should be able to just relax about it...I have to trust my dr. I think I have a good one....we have to take it one day at a time . I know that. Ay kind of exercize helps mentally and physically. keeping busy with something helps too as well as talking with a freind.
I am a reborn artist( make collectable dolls that look like real babies) that helps the stress some. Also I recently started seeing a therapist. I think that is going to be a really good outlet for me. I have so many emotions right now and I don't know what to do with them! I still have alot of anger because my dr. said the estrodiol would not cause cancer.its hard to let that go! I have always taken care of everyone else and it is hard not to try to keep doing that. ..except for my husband, there has been no one to help me! anyway, keep me informed if you want someone to talk to..this helps the stress too just to talk about it with someone who understands and I do! The best of luck to you! jodi
5/11/2009
Hi Jodi,
So good to be able to connect with somebody else. Just like you I have always been the giver. I still find it hard to say no. I do not have a husband, but I have a son. No grandchildren, just a cat. I too get very depressed. It's common. We feel like we have lost control of our lives. No energy. I had all the tests you are about to have before the operation. Good luck. I'll say a prayer for you. It's ongoing though. Blood tests every three months and breast surgeon every six months. Mammogram and ultrsound once a year. Tired of being tired. I write poetry and I started again when I was diagnosed. My first one was My Silent Battle, My Right Breast, Miserables Faces [poeple at the radiotherapy clinic!] My Right Breast Part II, My Firing Squad [that was for the people who did my radiotherapy]. I got very depressed and wrote What's Inside Pandora's Box. It was around the time mum was diagnosed, but was compounded when I had to euthanise my cat of 17 years. His name was Lucky. He was like a human and I miss him so. I don't know if you like cats. I adore them. I am a Leo, so there's a lot of the cat in me. You said you have fibromyalgia and tmj. Coincidence or the drug. When I was on Aridimex I was diagnosed with tmj and neuropathic pain. It causes bone pain and so does Femara, but Jodi I have heard that Femara is a wonderful drug. My Oncologist sucks. Mum and I both go to him. Time for a change I think! My son said to me the other night "mum you've got through 4 years on the tablets, only 1 more year to go. God give me the strength to get to the end of that year. I believe in crystals and guardian angels. When I was going through radiotherapy each week, I had crystals for cancer in my hand and after that week, I would bury them in the garden. I did that for seven weeks. That was what I was advised to do. I wear a rose quartz around my neck for love. Let me know how you go Jodi. I'll be in touch soon.
Isabella aka Jude
Isabella, so happy to hear from you! I am sorry you are alone except for your son. I am not alone but they all expect me to do for them instead of taking care of myself. Now with the holidays coming up, I am sure they expect me to do the meal again and have them all over but I don't know if I will do it. none of them except my husband has been there for me and I just can't deal with the stress. I have seven grandkids and my grown kids don't make them mind but just let them run around like they are crazy and tear up the house!
I do love cats, although I have three yorkies now and they are too much for me to take care of. I have to find a new home for one or two of them and that will be hard.
I think it is the time in my life when i finally have to think of myslef for a change.
I think your poems are a great idea. I have tried keeping a journal but no keeping up with it too much. My reborn dolls are a great release but take so much work and energy..gee, I am just tired and I guess depressed. I look forward to another session with a therapist next week. It really helps to talk. maybe that is something that may help you as well. It sounds like you don't have much longer to go. my dr. thinks I should take the femara the rest of my life..not just the five years! I guess we will see how it goes. My dr. is at Barnes hospital in stl louis mo. I think he is the nicest person I have ever met! It don't hurt that he looks like richard Geere either! you take care.please keep in touch!
yes! my nipple got over cooked and turned a dark brown and now it is peeling off! Also it is off center because I got cellulitis from the surgery and a blood clot that never resolved....It looks a little strange. At 57 I am not to upset about how it looks though..as long as it is healthy! We don't sweat the small stuff though. Thats what i keep hearing.......I got some antibiotics for my throat..wow it hurts! I hope it helps clear it up...
11/11/2009.
Hi Jodi,
I've been trying to contact you, but it won't go through. Why do you stay on Femara for the rest of your life? I am so tired. I feel worse now than when I was diagnosed 4 years ago. I hope youe\r throat is better. I could'nt imaging staying on Tamoxifen for the rest of my life. I'd hate to feel like this forever. I'm sorry about your dogs. That is sad. I'll go now, I have a terrible headache. Take care.
Isabella
Hi Isabella, I don't know why it didn't go through. My computer acts up sometimes though. My doctor wants me to be on the femara the rest of my life because he said the studies are only for five years and he feels if I went off of it at some point,then there would be a chance the cancer could return. I have been on it for two weeks and haven't had any side effects so far. I think the sore throat was from a throat infection I got from the kids. Is femara a drug that you might be able to try? are you post menapause? estrogen receptive? Of course there might be husge side effects for me on the femara at some point. No one really know how these drugs will effect us I guess. It just buys us time I think until they can come up with better drugs or maybe even a cure soon! maybe a vacine!I think it will happen evenually. It has to. There are too many cancers and too many people getting them.
I do hope you are feeling better soon.please keep in touch.take care...jodi
12/11/2009
Hi Jodi,
I am post menopausal and eostrogen receptor positive. I did try femara, but I couldn't
tolerate it. There are so many people who have survived for many, many years and I believe that we will be one of those. I have no intention of breast cancer taking me from this life. My Oncologist told me on my last visit that I have a 92% chance of still being alive in 5 years. I was on HRT for 7 years. I still think that it played a huge part in my breast cancer. I don't know about mum. There was so much cancer on my dad's side of the family. Breast cancer, bowel cancer. My brother was diagnosed with bowel cancer in the May 2005, and me with the breast cancer in October 2005, then mum in April 2006. Mum's parent's died in their early 40's. I don't know anything about mum's side of the family. Her grandmother came from Scotland and she died at 82 of a heart attack. No cancer on her side, I'm almost positive. I sill get very tired and sleep in the afternoon for three hours. I have gained weight, but Tamoxifen makes you very hungry. Hot flushes, night sweats, fatigue, skin changes, etc. etc. Very busy time coming up. Mum has her mammogram and ultrasound done on Monday. On the 3rd December, I see my breast surgeon, December 14 mum and I see the Oncologist. We both will have had blood tests. Wish he loked like Richard Gere!!!! On the 22nd December I take mum to see her Nephrologist [kidney doctor]. Don't care about Christmas. My dad died on the 26th December after having a fall on Xmas Day in 1995. It all comes back. I just wish it would go away. I love my mum and son so much, I just wish someone would do something for me for once. I find it hard to ask for help, and as I said, my sister and I may as well live on the other side of the world.
How did you go with your results Jodi? Please let me know. Just remember, we're not going anywhere. They will find a cure, don't ever doubt it.
Take care.
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Thanks for telling us about your book. I agree with your idea that seeing the "bright side of the road" doesn't mean that there are not down times and bad days. It has more to do with choosing not to stay in those places.
Yes, Phyllis! That is exactly as I see it. When I was growing up, my mother was always talking about "being positive" but her way of doing that was to completely ignore the hard stuff: the fear, the grief, the anxiety. I guess that's one of the biggest lessons I learned on my journey- how to weave the two together: the bright and the dark. That they are not exclusive, but integrally connected. Where are you on your own journey with breast cancer? Peace, joy, Anne Marie