I don't want to complain, because this is

no where

no way

no how

anything like the physical onslaught of chemo.

But I am tired, and I am tired of feeling this unusual tired. Profound tired.

Being two-thirds through radiation is not like being two-thirds getting a pedicure... you know, you have five things on your list to hit after this pedicure is finished, all before swooping into your garage like a bat outta hell carrying armloads of packages at once so you don't have to make two trips to the garage. And why is it MY pedicurist has to answer the phone today. Usually this takes 45 minutes and I have already been in this chair 45 minutes and she doesn't even have the cuticles done yet and I need to go...

Did I really ever have those internal conversations? Yes, and I will again. I will try to stop myself and not, but, well, I'm not perfect. You all know that by now!

Getting back to radiation. Two thirds of the way through is fantastic. Then I look up and out. The entire world it seems to me is having a blast. Two weeks before Christmas, decorations are up (they've been up at the stores since Halloween). Bells are ringing (Salvation Army), Christmas carols are playing. My IPAD has three new playlists - 2010ChristQUIET, 2010ChristLENNOX, 2010Christ. The first is quiet peaceful carols, the second is Annie Lennox's new Christmas Cornucopia album ( I buy one new one each year), and the third is my compilation of energetic Christmas music (for cooking, walking, energizing.) It is beginning to look alot like Christmas...

The entire world is out there, laughing and hugging and telling stories. I want to be with them, but I am profoundly tired.

Friday I canceled a festive mall walk after radiation because I was achey and tired. Radiation was long, as the Trilogy machine broke down again (second time), so they moved me to another machine but it took time to recalibrate. I was really grateful they moved my machine, not skipping a day. They canceled most of the other patients. THANK YOU LORD to keep me on schedule!

After radiation I called Dad, who sounded blue. He sounded blue Thursday too. I think someone needs a little Christmas cheer! He lives in an apartment in a CRC adult community. I warned him I was tired and not very talkative, which is fine with him. So I picked him up, we went to Panera in downtown Winter Park. Saw some festive Christmas decorations, had a nice lunch of soup and sandwich. Then stopped off and bought him a new bedspread. Okay, I can hear you now... telling me You can't buy happiness. I know, I know. But a little spiffing up of your surroundings does help burst the bubble.

Slept all afternoon. Mike came home, I canceled out on the dinner party we were going to. I just couldn't do it. Feels like I am swimming through water when I move, slow motion. Shoulders and elbows and hands ache. I still think it is my tendons. Feet are okay (YEAH!) I want to close my eyes, but I don't fall asleep. It's not a sleepy tired, it's a "my body is not functioning up to speed" tired, not feeling just right, and bored. Mind isn't tired. What to eat? frozen leftovers (crucial to have always at Christmas time, to have frozen dinners prepared. Especially this year.)