Though I am only in my 20's, I try not to watch the news much anymore, because it can seem like a horror movie come to life. Especially recently. I read about a man who threw his almost newborn baby over a bridge onto a highway. The baby died on impact, but also got ran over by a car. I also read about a couple standing trial for the death of their young daughter. Her own parents kept her strapped to a chair, where they did not feed her and they continually beat her until one day her body gave up. In Cambodia, girls as young as 5 are sold by their own mothers for the equivalent of ten dollars or kidnapped and put into these abandoned buildings where they are forced into prostitution. I went to the doctor on Wednesday for my check up (I have stage 4, metastatic breast cancer) and to get results from recent tests, and they told me that I will never be able to have children, ever.
I had my doctor's visit to check my blood to make sure everything was ok for surgery on today (scary); also I had a PET scan done recently to make sure the cancer in my bones hasn't spread to any organs. My blood was low which is a norm for me, and my results from the scan came back good, no spreading so I'm glad to hear that.
I was waiting for my shots to raise my blood up, and I decided to have the chat with my doctor. I asked if I could have children, and she said no and that I never will be able to. She said that pregnancy would kill me, as well as delivery. She explained why... something about your hormones during pregnancy mixing with my cancer cells would kill me.
To tell you the truth, I wasn't really listening to why. At that point, I just kept thinking about my boyfriend and I having our arguments about what to name our child. If it's a boy I like Zane or Tristan, and my boyfriend saying, "No I hate those. Let's name him something totally weird so he would be special."
They also said that I would not live long; I would never live to be old. I then thought about how I have never been scared to grow old.
I have always wanted to get to that point when you're old and your family comes to see you. Waking up really early to go on walks and going to bed around nine just like my grandparents do.
I ask myself why horrible people with horrible intentions get to have children. Why are children that never asked to be born handed to people who mistreat them and don't love them? The world is filled with good people who get a disease that they never asked for, and they lose the opportunity to have a child and show that child all the awesome things the world has to offer, and give them so much love, but we don't even get the opportunity. Bad people have the gift of giving life and they don't appreciate it. It is unfair and I ask myself why?
I know that there is a plan for us all and that having kids is not my plan. I should be super bummed about everything that my doctor has said to me, but I'm not. I see this as an opportunity to live my life my way. I'm going to enjoy it until the day that I take my last breath of air; I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to have fun with everything that I do, whether it be treatments or going out and having fun, I'm going to enjoy it. Life is a gift and I'm not going to miss a chance to smile and have a good time because I'm laying in bed feeling sorry for myself because of the circumstances, no way.
Having cancer has opened my eyes to see things in a way I would have probably never seen things if I hadn't had cancer. Enjoy every moment and don't waste your time with thinking about the things that have been taken away think about all the things you still have.
Published On: January 28, 2008