I also learned that the people who loved me the most were coping with their own fears and pain on their own time schedule. They might be still back in the denial stage when I moved on to anger. Sometimes they needed ME to reassure THEM. It's unrealistic for cancer patients to expect friends to discuss the possibility of death whenever the patient wants to.

Some friends are good at bringing casseroles, and some are good at listening to fears. Patients who need to put the scary stuff into words need to identify the people most likely to be able to handle it, and then say something like, "I know this will be hard, but today I need you to hear what's really worrying me."

However, a support group is probably the best place to talk about our deepest worries. Our friends and families are carrying around their own load of fear for us. They can't really understand how the chemo is making us feel. We probably really shouldn't burden them with how gross the radiation burns are. A combination of face-to-face and on-line support groups gave me a place to talk about the scary stuff with other people who really knew how I was feeling.

As a friend of people with cancer and other serious illnesses, I've learned to take their lead on how much detail they want to share. Because they know I've survived against the odds, people now often come to me to discuss their illness. I try not to tell them that everything will turn out great.

I listen and follow the conversation where they take it.

The relationship between cancer patient and loved ones is a tricky thing. Knowing when to cry, when to laugh, and when to bring a casserole requires listening to both what is said and unsaid.