The Myth of the Good Attitude

What a great post, Phyllis. You take a courageous stand against people who are CONVINCED that if you "just stay positive," you'll beat cancer - as though it were that metaphysical. A good attidue - definition: one that works for YOU - is a wonderful thing to have. Even though it won't cure your cancer, it'll make the trip (in fact, the whole, lifelong cancer experience) a lot more bearable.

I've embraced this mantra for years: "There's nothing in life you can control except your own attitude." (Coda - "And it ain't always easy!") I've found that when faced with a challenging situation, if I stop, think, and say, "Do I really want to be consumed with worry and fear over this? Do I REALLY want to make myself feel bad over this situation, over which I have no control? Or do I want to do a mental shrug, pick my feet up, and move forward?"

Hard as it is to NOT worry and be scared, it's at least worth a try; often, you can talk yourself through tough situations. it takes practice and strength, but it can be done, at least to some extent.

Thanks, again, Phyllis. I totally enjoyed reading this. PJH

Great post, Phyllis. 

I dont post on here often, although I do go on here all of the time and read peoples posts. I too am so far a breast cancer survivor. 2yrs in actually. I just wanted to say that you have put into words my exact feelings. I am 36 yrs old and not sure if anyone will agree with my philosophy, but here it is. 4weeks ago a friend of mine died from breast cancer that had spread to her lungs. Her journey lasted 14 months from original diagnosis to death. At first I was freaked out and scared and all of the normal things, well normal for me anyway...And then I started thinking, well that could be me down the track and if it is going to happen to me, I cant afford to waste what I have now. People cant grasp that this thought is not in fact negativity and no amount of "no thats not going to happen to you" is going to make it so. The fact is that it will happen to me if that is what the big man upstairs has in store for me, or, it wont happen to me if that is what the big man upstairs has in store for me. I have a very positive attitude, of course as you said Phyllis there are days when you think, why???But you cant dwell on it. Another friend I made during chemo, who had bladder cancer, and had to go in to have the camera checks every three months and there would be more cancers there and she would say to me "see what is the point in having a positive attitude when the cancer keeps coming back anyway. But here is the point, a positive attitude is NOT the cure for cancer. A positive attiude only makes the ride easier to deal with. And not having a positive attitude is not saying well that person didnt deserve to get better. Some people just cant cope with bad news. Doesnt make them anymore or less deserving of being alive. We all give it the best shot we know how. My attitude is that I try not to waste what I have got left. Hopefully it will be a long time. I am striving to be like you and PJ. But I still know the reality is that it might not happen. And accepting that reality is not admitting defeat either. My mother was diagnosed with BC 2 months before me and she did ok with hers, but when I got diagnosed she went right off the rails. She got bad depression and even now she is not out of it. All of our battles are as individual as we are. And I agree Phyllis, people who say I knew you would be ok because of your attitude, although it is meant to be knidness, it is actually ignorance, because although attitude does help, along with exercise, eating right, not smoking, limiting or not drinking, none of these things will guarantee success in beating the big C. Only time will really tell for any of us.

I dont post on here often, although I do go on here all of the time and read peoples posts. I too am so far a breast cancer survivor. 2yrs in actually. I just wanted to say that you have put into words my exact feelings. I am 36 yrs old and not sure if anyone will agree with my philosophy, but here it is. 4weeks ago a friend of mine died from breast cancer that had spread to her lungs. Her journey lasted 14 months from original diagnosis to death. At first I was freaked out and scared and all of the normal things, well normal for me anyway...And then I started thinking, well that could be me down the track and if it is going to happen to me, I cant afford to waste what I have now. People cant grasp that this thought is not in fact negativity and no amount of "no thats not going to happen to you" is going to make it so. The fact is that it will happen to me if that is what the big man upstairs has in store for me, or, it wont happen to me if that is what the big man upstairs has in store for me. I have a very positive attitude, of course as you said Phyllis there are days when you think, why???But you cant dwell on it. Another friend I made during chemo, who had bladder cancer, and had to go in to have the camera checks every three months and there would be more cancers there and she would say to me "see what is the point in having a positive attitude when the cancer keeps coming back anyway. But here is the point, a positive attitude is NOT the cure for cancer. A positive attiude only makes the ride easier to deal with. And not having a positive attitude is not saying well that person didnt deserve to get better. Some people just cant cope with bad news. Doesnt make them anymore or less deserving of being alive. We all give it the best shot we know how. My attitude is that I try not to waste what I have got left. Hopefully it will be a long time. I am striving to be like you and PJ. But I still know the reality is that it might not happen. And accepting that reality is not admitting defeat either. My mother was diagnosed with BC 2 months before me and she did ok with hers, but when I got diagnosed she went right off the rails. She got bad depression and even now she is not out of it. All of our battles are as individual as we are. And I agree Phyllis, people who say I knew you would be ok because of your attitude, although it is meant to be knidness, it is actually ignorance, because although attitude does help, along with exercise, eating right, not smoking, limiting or not drinking, none of these things will guarantee success in beating the big C. Only time will really tell for any of us.

Phyllis, I loved your post.  I silently yelled, "yeah," on almost every line.  I am so tired of the people who shout that a good attitude is all you need, and most of all I'm tired of them victimizing the victim...me. 

Jo-Ann

I agree that a positive attitude is helpful, but often the belief in it and remarks about it come under stupid things that people say when they know you have breast cancer. I recall answering honestly that I felt lousy during chemo and people said "you'll be fine, you have a good attitude" I translated that to 'I don't want to hear about it'.

It usually was people who did not have cancer and were not close to anyone who had cancer. Just because Grand Ma had cancer and you never saw her but twice a year is not the same!

I sooo enjoyed reading your insightful posting.  It was scary for me to read about people dying from cancer.  However,  I have a good attitude and believe that, "people with good attitudes are in touch with the reality of their situation", so I am able to deal with it. 

It is hard for me to describe how my cancer has changed me.  I liken it to an awakening to how nice people can be.  I am very grateful, and while I would not have wished for cancer, I am not sure I would take it away if I could.  I have always been a big believer in accepting and being happy for wherever I am in life.  I am certain that everything in life, good or bad, has led me right to where I am, so I never wish to change what came before - - no regrets.

I have "continued with the activities that give me joy"!  I am now all about the joy and am free to have as much fun as I want. 

I have found "that cancer has brought out the best in myself"!!!!!

Thanks for expressing my feelings so eloquently in your posting.  Great stuff....

Good luck,

Michele with 1 L

Yes, sometimes it's healing to leave your hair unwashed, teeth unbrushed and just wail, wiping the snot on the sleeve of your grubbiest bathrobe while the day old mascara runs. There's plenty of time to look on the bright side after you've grieved!

You'll get back to that in your own time.

Love from Pat  (15 year BC survivor) (Well, there was that 2nd diagnosis 7 years later...so I got to do the snot thing twice!) 

a good attitude is an outer thing.  one must have a good attitude on a cellular level.

I wish to thank this network for allowing me to comment on this subject. My family members and I know all too well about positive attitude concerning cancer. There are seven family member in my family(includeing myself),Who have had cancer(in remission)or is under going treatment. My name is John,sixty five years of age(Prostate cancer)in remission.one brother inlaw(Testicular cancer)in remission.One brother inlaw (Colon cancer) in remission,but undergoing further treatment. One sister(Ovarian cancer)in remission.One sister(Breast cancer)in remission,but undergoing  physical therapy. One uncle(prostate cancer) undergoing extensive treatment. Last but not least,My wife of thirty seven years(GOD'S) willing soon to be thirty eight years,was diagnosed in Jan,2009 as haveing Stage 4 Squamous Cell Carcinoma /Anal Cancer  with extensive metastasis. It exploded up her spine. There are three tumors near her shoulder blades,which encircled her spinal cord,shutting off nerves,which controlled her legs.not only did,she have cancer,She also had a blood clot in each leg but,also one in her right lung. A special filter was inserted into main artery in her admonen. This was to prevents clots from lower extremities from reaching her heart or lungs.She also has or  had a spot of cancer on her spine in the small of her back.She had 15 intensive radiation treatments on her back,twenty five radiation treatments on her bottom. Iwish to impress one thing upon cancer patients or suvivors,even through six months of treatments,not includeing surgery(she had both ovaries removed and has a colonospy) has to wear a catherer 24/7,confined to hospital bed,is a paraplegic.My wife has had a positive attitude,hasn't shed one tear. She has regained use of toes,her feet and can bend her right leg at the knee. Right after,She was diagnosed,her chemo doctor came into her room. He said that,He was optimistic that,she might walk again. My wife & I both replied that,She was going to walk again. He looked somewhat puzzled at our reply.Since,both my wife and I have attended church  before and during our marriage,We explained to him that,The problem had already been placed in GOD'S hands.We have never wavered in our faith and beleif. We both beleive your progress depends not only upon the mind set,you allow your mind to develope when,you hear the diagnoses,type of cancer,where,it's located.Whether you have a reliable medical team(surgeon's,radiologist,or chemo specialist) and whether,your interested in accepting treatment and getting it into remission.I sincerely hope that,I haven't offended anyone with my rather lenghty comment .Its all in how,you wish to handle your illiness. John

This was a great article and I've also loved reading the comments.  I'm a 2 year survivor of BC and would have to describe myself as having a "good attitude" but am very appreciative of an acknowledgement of the downright crappiness of the whole situation at times.  The truth for me is that we are all going to die.  It's a given. We all have a certain amount of time here and none of us know when that time is up.  I get up in the morning and realize, I have today, then I try to be the best imperfect human I can be.  And I too can admit that my cancer diagnosis is responsible for waking me up to having a better attitude about my life.

Thanks for the friendly reminder!

Peace~

I have just returned home from TN to say good bye to my cousin (Angela Johnson) who passed away from breast cancer.  Seven years ago we were both diagnosed with the same breast cancer.  We made it to 5 years and rejoiced on the phone (I am in CA).  We visited over the years, but through it all....our 'in your face' positive attitude was what made it so easy for all our friends and family to deal with our disease.  She was amazing and in the end I was so impressed with her positive take on death (she knew exactly where she was going, and wasn't afraid to go there)...she was just so amazing! 

When I was diagnosed, it was I who had to hold up all my friends as I told them.  It was I who had to let them cry on my shoulder while I told them I would be alright. 

However, I can take the 'positive attitude' about your disease a step further.  When I was diagnosed my sister told me that if I had had a positive attitude, I never would have gotten the disease!  Never mind what I told her in response....

And so, I just wanted to tell you, Phyllis, that I appreciate your article.  Yes, my positive attitude makes others feel better, helps me through my day, might make me last a day or two longer, but in the end, I'm positive I'm going to die.  And then my positive attitude will help others around me, but I'm really hoping there will be someone around who will understand that I might have a day or two which will be a bit less than positive...then it's time for THEM to step up and be the person who holds me up!

Thank you again, Phyllis!

I've just been diagnosed. When my doctor suggested that I have a biopsy, of course I was afraid, but kept in mind that most biopsies wind up finding nothing malignant. Then I started to put some "factors" together in my mind (I've had a series of totally benign cysts, lipomas and so on removed through the years, for example), and really came down hard on the idea everything would turn out okay. I also decided that, since I'm normally so not a Look on the Bright Side sort (my glass is continually half empty), the very fact that I felt optimistic was proof positive everything would turn out okay. That fantasy came crashing down the moment I heard the doctor's tone of voice when he called with the biopsy results. It's invasive lobular carcinoma, with several lymph nodes involved, likely Stage 3 (tests were done last week; I'll meet with the oncologist on 08/17).

Since the diagnosis, I've thought more than once, "I finally adopt a positive attitude, and look where it got me!" Of course, the cancer was there in any case; the diagnosis would have been the same.

Now I'm lurching from the surreal feeling that I absolutely cannot believe I'm going through this, to sheer terror and conviction that it's really Stage 4 and I'll be one of those cases that goes quickly, to the knowledge that there are survivors. All in all, I'm absolutely exhausted.

Hi Phyllis.

I always enjoy reading your posts and this one really got me thinking. What IS a "positive" attitude? I think you and many of those who responded got it right in terms of what others think is a positive attitude, i.e. one that doesn't cause them too much heartache. Those around us find it incredibly difficult to deal with life-threatening diseases such as cancer when they happen to friends and loved ones. That's OK. They are all human beings, and the perfect human being has not yet been born - thank goodness (he or she would be a complete pain in the neck)! I tolerate that and sometimes get a little fun out of teasing them by making particularly bleak and black cancer jokes and then stepping back and watching the reaction.

What matters to me is what a positive or good attitude means to me. It means facing up to the truth of your situation and accepting it with as much good grace and courage as you can manage. It means staring down cancer and not letting it defeat your spirit, even if it defeats your body. We can't always control our physical world and our physical state (much as people try to today with their anxieties about diet) , but we can control what we do about it. I often say to my students that life may sometimes deal you a bad hand, but it's up to you how you play it. In this Jerry Springer world of venting our emotions as publicly as possible, we seem to have forgotten about the concept of behaving well. I chose to behave well because I wanted people to think well of me and respect me, not feel sorry for me. I couldn't NOT get IBC, but I did achieve that.

I've never felt sorry for myself, just angry at the things that cancer has taken away from me, and I am determined to claw back as much as I can. That is another element of control that we can achieve. We won't be able to ensure absolutely at the end of our treatment that cancer will not return, but we can ensure that we try to live our lives in a way that is not dominated by fear.

As I fight to take up the reins of my "new normal" life I am ever grateful for the chance to vent a little on this website with people who have shared the experience of having cancer, people I have come to love and respect. Yesterday I saw a news item on a new Oz government initiative to provide breast cancer services for women in remote areas. When I saw the smiles on the faces of the breast cancer survivors featured in the film footage I saw again the faces of the friends I have made in the last 9 months. I know that look and I love it.

Stay feisty, Phyllis!!

Sue

My dear friend,

your article about positive attitude is a blessing. After I was diagnosted with breast cancer I was devastated. Everybody told me to pe positive. I couldn't and I still can not. I keep my smile when I can, I try to get my master degree diploma in education, I celebrated my daughter succes in Harvard admision with a wonderful trip to Paris - but I have doubts, I have nightmares, I hate myself for this negative attitude. I was jocking with some one, waiting for a test result "I want to be negative not positive" - the test of course.

Finally some one explain to me all these feelings, and let me know that it is ok to be scared, to have bad days, to have doubts. I do not want them, I want to be very very happy, but I can not all the time and I blamed my self for this. I hate the mandatory "positive attitude". Give me the freedom when to have a positive attitude.

Sometimes I am so angry, that I suspect that other people ask me to have the positive attitude because they are the ones that can not have it, they are the ones that can not coupe with the idea. They ask me to be happy for them to feel better.

Thank you for your article, for your thoughts and for making my life so easy. Now I really feel positive because I know it is ok not to be.

Good luck to everybody, you are in my preyers, every night.

Nadia

Thank you for writing your thoughts on a good attitude.  I was just diagnosed with IDC last week and several friends have commented about the importance of a good attitude.  I began feeling guilty about any negative feelings on my mind.  Your definition of a good attitude has helped me.  THANK YOU!