Monday, August 17th, 2009

I got the phone call at about 6:30 on Friday night. "Surprisingly, we found some cancer." I went over those words over and over in my head. Some? So, like, not a lot? I never asked any questions. I said okay a few times and I think I thanked him...don't remember... I was at my sister's house with the kids. She was so strong for me. My husband was out working last minute. I couldn't call him. He couldn't leave and I didn't want him to worry for the next 4 hours; to go through what I was going through. So we sat, smoked (what, is it gonna give me cancer?), and actually joked around for a few hours. My husband got there and we were silent. This wasn't anything new to him though, I'd been like that since the biopsy. Finally I just took him in the bedroom and told him. He sank. It was heartbreaking and I felt so bad. I know that I didn't do it to him, but I felt I was to blame for him sadness. Horrible. So the weekend went by...slowly. We talked about it some. Sometimes I'd catch myself actually being normal and forgetting. Then I had to deal with that feeling like when I'd just gotten the call. My kids really cheered me up. My husband and I read that we needed to talk to our children. We had the whole thing scripted. "Mommy has an owie on her boobie. The Dr. is going to take it out and give Mommy lots of medicine. Then Mommy will be all better!" Ok, got them in the room, we're sittin on the bed, nervous. "Mommy has an owie on her boobie..." "Can I see it?" says my 5 year old son. Complete silence. Um...that wasn't in the script... "Ok..." I muttered. So I show him the part where the lump was. You couldn't see it, just a little bruising fron the biopsy. "Do you want to feel the lump?" Did I really just say that? Too late, of course he did. He pulled back quickly and I finished the rest of my speech while I fixed my shirt. "Can we go to the mall?" said my 3 year old. I looked at my husband...That's it? Sweet! This morning I took my husband, middle child, sister, her fiance, and my dad to the Dr. with me. The doctor explained that my cancer cells were slow growing (awesome), my lump was 1.2 centameters (awesome), I am only in Stage 1(0 is best, 4 is worst) and that I may not even have to have chemo (super awesome!)! So the next step is a mammogram and MRI. Then they'll compare those to the ultrasound I had and have 3 different views of it. Will have results next Monday. For now I'm trying to prepare myself for the MRI. I am so clostrophobic! The doctor said he'd give me a mild tranquilizer. I said, "Can I have a major tranquilizer?" He just laughed. I was serious.