She turns 40 this week, and has had a hysterectomy related to cervical cancer. I'm not good at touchy-feely stuff, and she is withdrawing. Only child, both parents living. Never had children.
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Q: My girlfriend was just diagnosed with breast cancer. How can I help?
Answers (2)
4/ 9/09 10:49am
There is no one best way to help because every relationship is different. If you've never been very "touchy-feely", she knows that and won't expect you to suddenly be a different person. You will need to say out loud that you love her and will support her through whatever happens.
She will also need some practical help with driving, lifting, housework, etc. Many women want their partner to go with them to the doctor because an extra pair of ears can be very helpful, but not everyone wants that so you offer and see what she says. One woman I know said that her husband couldn't cope with the doctor's office or the hospital, but that was OK with her because she knew he had never been able to deal with doctors AND he was there cleaning the bathroom without making a big deal about it.
Don't take her withdrawal personally. She may need some alone time to cry and deal with this terrible shock. She may feel that she doesn't want to worry you so when she is ready to talk, listen carefully to let her know you want to be supportive.
4/ 9/09 12:14pm
I think Phyllis is quite right and that your girlfriend's withdrawal may well be a temporary thing while she thinks through what is happening to her and what she will have to go through in the coming months. I know I did a lot of this after my diagnosis last October. It may be, also, that she doesn't want "touchy-feely" from you and why she is in a relationship with you in the first place. You may be just what she needs and at the age of 40 she will probably be aware of this. I'm a similar person and prefer my family and friends to share my sense of humour and tough approach. I find touchy-feely types can make me feel too much like a pathetic victim and that is not how I want to see myself. If I'm tough, I can put up a damned good fight.
What I have needed from my husband of 34 years is honesty. I want to know how he's feeling so that I can help him when he needs it. This disease is not just about me and, in fact, I think it can be harder on loved ones. They feel helpless and don't know for sure what I know - that I'm doing OK.
I would try sitting down for a good heart-to-heart. It's possible to do this without hearts and flowers. Be calm and matter-of-fact. Tell her that you need to tell her and ask her some things and that you will leave her time to think about what you've said to give her time to think before responding. Tell her of you fears for her and of your need to help her however you can. Ask her what SHE needs from you. Let her make the running. She should be reassured that you care and will know anyway that you will find some things difficult. This will allow her to direct how things go for the two of you. One of the things that I've found difficult during the past months, and I'm an extremely independent and active (as opposed to passive) person is putting my fate in the hands of others. I've wanted to do things myself to help fight the cancer. One of the ways I've done this is to be very clear about how I want people to treat me. This has helped me to believe that I've retained some of my power.
Good luck to you both. I'm sure that you will work it out. Be a little patient at the moment.
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By Frightened— Last Modified: 11/17/10, First Published: 04/09/09
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