No matter how pessimistic you feel, reassure the kids that you are taking care of your illness and doing everything possible to get better. Stress the positive-—that you have every reason to believe you will be OK after the treatment ends. And if that situation changes, you will let them know.
Naturally, how much information you give your kids depends on their ages. Here are some age-appropriate guidelines:
Under 3 years: Generally, children under 3 are not going to understand what cancer is, but they—and their older siblings—will be disturbed if you are going to be away for several days at the hospital, or if their daily routine is disrupted. Their father, grandparents, other relatives, friends and caregivers should pitch in to give them extra attention and reassurance.
Ages 3 to 7: Explain your illness in simple terms, such as “good” cells and “bad” cells; that cancer is not contagious and that it’s not their fault. Children, being the self-centered creatures that they are, may think they are responsible for your cancer, unless you explicitly tell them otherwise.
Explain how your treatments will affect their routines—and the measures you have taken so that others will take care of them. For example, “Dad will drive you to school in the mornings now, and Rachel’s mom will take you to soccer on Saturday.”
Warn them about the side effects you will have. For instance, you may be too tired for awhile to play with them as much, and your medicine will make your hair fall out. Explain that your hair will grow back. In the meantime, tell them that you will wear a wig or hat. Your kids might not want their friends to see you without hair. I promised to always wear a wig when their friends were around or when I was at their school or out in public. My daughters did not want to see me bald, and they never did. I even slept with a turban.
Ages 8 to 12: They can understand more than their younger siblings, but don’t overwhelm them with information. They may be afraid to ask what is really on their minds, so check in with them often about how they are feeling and ask if they have any questions. Notify their teachers about what is going on at home so that they can alert you to any behavioral changes, such as failure to do their work. As much as you can, give your children extra support—even an afternoon with you at the movies can restore some sense of normalcy for your kids.
