How to respond to hurtful comments
If you are newly diagnosed with cancer (or another serious illness, for that matter), let me issue a warning, from one cancer patient to another. Be prepared for people�friends, family, total strangers at the grocery store�to make rude, hurtful, or even stupid comments. I guarantee that this will happen: A bald head can be a lightning rod for other people�s angst about cancer. But if you are prepared, you can better deflect these comments before they ruin your day.
There are times--and being newly diagnosed with cancer is one of the worst--when it's hard to cope with insensitive comments as we normally would.
I understand that most people are well meaning, and that they say these things out of their own discomfort with the disease that used to be known as The Big C. But I also think that the pendulum has swung too far toward �say what you think, without thinking.�
The Stupid Comment Hall of Fame
Grand prize: �My mother/father/brother died of cancer� (in response to the news that you have just been diagnosed).
First prize: �How long have you got?�
Second prize: �Did you smoke?� (regardless of the type of cancer).
A woman I met at a lung cancer support group, who had never smoked but had lung cancer, said she was thinking of getting a T-shirt printed that said, �No, I didn�t smoke.�
Here are a couple more from Dr. Paul Lange�s book, "Prostate Cancer for Dummies.""You're lucky that you have this kind of cancer." Dr. Lange, who is a prostate cancer survivor as well as a prostate cancer surgeon, says what the patient hears is, "You're lucky you have cancer."
"What does your partner think?" The patient hears, "Is your partner going to leave you?"
When cancer patients get together, whether in formal support groups or just with friends who share our diagnosis, one of the things we do is compare stupid comments that people have made to us--it's a great way to defuse the emotional impact of these hurtful remarks.I also get e-mails from readers of my blog, The Assertive Cancer Patient, asking for my advice in responding to upsetting remarks. Here are some things you might consider.
Know your responseBe prepared, and these comments are less likely to knock you off your blocks, emotionally. Choose a snappy comeback or two from the list below that sounds like you, or feels like something you could say, and then practice it a few times. Maybe write it on your wrist before you go out to the mall or the cancer center.
My favorite all-purpose response is to say simply, "What?" and then hold eye contact with the person.
Second favorite, same strategy, but say, "Excuse me?" as though you can�t possibly have heard the words that popped out of the other person�s mouth.
Third favorite, in response to inappropriate questions, "Why do you want to know?"
Another approachMy friend Jill has metastatic breast cancer, as I do, and often wears a sleeve or wraps her arm because of lymphedema. She says she just answers, "Yes" to whatever someone asks.
Stranger: "Did you break your arm?" Jill: "Yes."Stranger: "Did you burn yourself?" Jill: "Yes."Stranger: "Did someone hit you?" Jill: "Yes."
Jill explains her strategy, "If I agree, it doesn't invite more conversation on a subject I'm tired of talking about."
Sara, an artist and blogger who lost a leg to cancer, says when someone asks what happened to her leg, she responds, "Which one?" An alternative answer is, "Which time?"
Mind you, this is from a woman who wrote a post on her blog about walking around the house searching for her prosthetic leg. She has an attitude and a sense of humor. Not a bad way to go through life.
Jeanne Sather is an outspoken advocate for the cancer patient's point of view and writes at The Assertive Cancer Patient.
