Another reason Stone provides deals with the caregiver who is so busy juggling work and care responsibilities that she doesn’t have time to reflect on the metamorphosis of the role she plays. Stone also explains that a caregiver can be unaware of having assumed that role because of how gradually the scope of caregiving responsibilities has emerged.
Lastly, she notes, many caregivers do not consider themselves to be such because they think a caregiver is someone who is paid to provide care. For example, in many families, an adult child’s role has long been understood to include caring for aging parents. So when it happens, the adult child doesn’t see it as a new role in life.
I didn’t see myself as a caregiver for the first year or more of my caring for my mother upon the onset of Alzheimer’s disease. Her companion was bearing more of the burden than I, and the tasks I performed had not yet significantly affected my life. Once I began taking my mother to appointments and doctors provided us with her diagnosis, I realized I was a caregiver along with her companion. I became part of a caregiving team that included her companion and my two sisters. Over time, the team would expand to include doctors, social workers, nurse’s aides, my uncle, a lawyer, an accountant and the staff of a day program.
Adjusting Your Vision
As a social worker who has met with many caregivers over the years, I’d add that we can’t underestimate the power of our desire to hold on to seeing a parent or loved one the way we have always seen that person. The denial can come from the caregiver or the care recipient, or both can be caught up in the dance of denial together. The move toward seeing a loved one as vulnerable, frail, needy, or weakened—no longer the Mom or Dad we have always known and relied on or the spouse who’s been both your helpmate and soul mate—is an emotional journey. Becoming a caregiver to a parent upsets the parent/child hierarchy and being the caregiver to a spouse with whom you shared life’s responsibilities can disrupt the balance of any relationship, so it is no wonder we have difficulty talking with our ill or disabled loved ones about helping them with their health and managing their finances. And taking on the issues of a chronically ill child—well—this is not the way life is supposed to be….
