Share Your Images of Depression

Suzanne, I don’t have a visual image of depression, as I don't suffer from clinical depression, but I do have times of feeling like something or someone "out there" is about to create deep sorrow. When this happens, I know I need to figure out what is bothering me and deal with it. I've cared for seven elders for over two decades and gone through as many deaths. The on-going emergencies, kept me in high alert status, which took a toll on my body and mind. I'm still recovering from that. I relate to caregiver depression. I think any long-term caregiver is bound to struggle with it. After all, no matter how willing you are, your life is no longer your own. Most of us are exhausted. Many of us are on call 24/7, and that will take its toll. Caregiver’s are never “away from it all.” My youngest son has suffered from clinical depression much of his life. That, of course, has affected my life. When he's doing well, my life is brighter. When he’s struggling, I have to be careful not to spiral down with him. That would only hurt us both. I often speak to groups on elder care. When I do, I preach detachment. But, as a daughter and as a parent, I know talk is cheap. Actually detaching with love and moving on with faith, is impossible when you are in the depths of depression. It’s even difficult when you are not clinically depressed. But it is the only way for a caregiver to have a life of his or her own. So, difficult as it is, it’s a worthy goal – one worth working toward. Your idea of staying with on-going help, rather than waiting to spiral downward, is wise. Also, your openness is brave, thoughtful and will help not only you, but many others. Keep taking care of yourself while you do your good work.
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Suzanne, Being completely lacking in imagination, I never really had a visual image of my depression. However, your image of a dark cloud is very close to how I felt - that every day was a rainy one when I was depressed, even if it was actually sunny. I tried for twenty years to handle my depression using various coping methods. To be honest, nothing really worked, at least not with major depressive episodes. The thing that finally worked was starting medication. It's really saved my life.
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Something causes me to step back and look at my depressions as an uninterested observer. This doesn’t make me more functional in a serious depression, I have a hard time working, have a hard time with relationships, have a hard time even getting out of bed. The depression is obvious, and sometimes crippling, but part of me remains detached. I’m able to judge the severity of the depression by the thoughts and ideation of self harm. Those thoughts can be extremely strong and persuasive, and my detachment does nothing to change the depression or the thoughts. I can explain the depression to my wife or doc in a detached way. Even in the depths of depression I find my symptoms fascinating when viewed in this manner. But that doesn’t mean it’s not real, or severe, or dangerous. It’s all of those.
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Depression to me was everything moving in slow motion. Just walking felt like I had shoes on that weighed tons, but because I have teenage children I had no choice but to keep moving and hold everything together. When I finally went on Paxil, it was ok at first, but for me I could not get my emotions out. Then I went on Lexapro 10 mg for a year now and that keeps the edge off my depression and anxiety. I also find walking on the treadmill 20 minutes a day gives me the energy boost I need. I do an excercise video 2 - 3 times a week which includes stretching, low impact aerobics (for the sensible years) and floor exercises. It works for me. My Mom is 83, diagnosed with Alzheimers in Feb. I have two brothers and a sister who live within the same square mile as myself and mom and it is still difficult. We have settled into a schedule of care for her. She still remains in her own home which is what she wants. I am the only "homemaker" as they all work so I'm in charge of Mom's breakfast and lunch Mon-Thurs. They take over on Friday, Sat and Sun giving me the necessary time to regroup and replenish my energy and also get my housework and chores done. I also have the most loving and supportive husband in the world which makes all the difference in the world. Without him, the support of my siblings and Lexapro, I would be a basket case. Dealing with the grieving that comes before a parent even passes has been difficult for all of us as we are a very close and loving family. Our Dad passed when he was 68 so this is our first experience with caregiving. I hope I have been helpful to at least one person who reads this. Thank you for your insight on depression also. God Bless us all who take care of our parents who have always been there for us. Kathy
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 Depression.  A psychological demon that has followed me mywhole life.  Once I fought it with drugs and alcohol only to be enslaved by its pits of darkness to depths of despair that death was welcomed with open arms. A viscious cycle of desperate need for relief then mental agony threefold again and again.  Until the spiritual mental and physical swords are drawn to fight the threefold battle and with such a large monster its best to have support.  A constant need to be on gaurd for the triggers that awake the monster so that it does not catch you when you think you are fine and drag you back to the pit.  I found the more aware of the triggers and the way the monster works helps me to conquer it before it tries to conquer me...............
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