Caregiving is Not Age Specific

 My heart also goes out to the caretakers of a spouse, as I have personally experienced what I considered and continue to consider a case of post traumatic symdrome as as result of my caretaking duties, which were 24/7 for the vast period of time while my husband awaited a liver transplant (he was an alcoholic, and no amount of pleading and begging would stop him). The problem continued from 1998 until 2006.  The period of about 6-8 months before the transplant, he was rarely lucid due to the buildup of toxins in his brain.  He did not know me or himself;, he acted out in dispicable ways:  I was mentally, physically, and emotionally abused.  Many times I thought I could stand it no longer and planned to leave, but I had continued to love him. Three times I could not handle him at all - he did things to endanger his life, so I had no choice but to call an ambulance.  His brain suffered atrophy also, and now he is not the man I married. They say alcoholics and transplant survivors experience forgetfulness, rage, changes in personality, drastic changes in dress, etc. For example, once we were in the backyard (surrounded by neighbors) when he just suddenly started screaming obscenities at me (some words I didn't even know). This went on for about 5 minutes.  Another time is the scariest:  I had pruned some hedges in front as a surprise for him when he drove up the driveway, jumped out of the car and into the garage and came back out with some hedge-clippers (the very longest blades he had). He began the cursing at the top of his voice, chopping through all the hedges, and then turning them on me. I was slowly walking backyard on the sidewalk, trying to calm him, and I was about to turn , scream, and run when he suddenly stopped the incident.  He says he doesn't remember it. But I have caught him in Many lies since 2006.  I'm afraid my feelings (I Know) for him are merely consideration and not love as in a marriage. Could anyone advise me about what I should do??   Thank you for your time.

My husband was a "ladies man" and had several affairs during our marriage.  I truly feel if he had not gotten sick he would still be at it today - but I wouldn't be here.  I was instilled with a deep sense of guilt and lack of self esteem, and I allowed myself to be demeaned.  He now is a diabetic with a bilateral amputation and is on kidney dialysis.  He has had so many hospitalizations and problems that he is not a candidate for a transplant.  Now, after 25 years, he wants to be the "loving husband" because he is afraid I will leave.  I will not leave him while he is ill, but the love is gone.  I have no life - I work 40 hours a week and then come home and work more to take care of him.  My health has suffered and I have gained a tremendous amount of weight.  If anyone out there has any suggestions as to how to pull myself out of this hole, without turning my back on my obligations, I would love to hear from you.