It’s What Neighbors Do

"It's what neighbors do," says Debra every time I thank her for helping us out. The point is not that most neighbors are as willing to help as Debra helps us. The issue is that you'll never know unless you ask and not all family caregivers and care recipients are willing to reach out or except help if it is offered.

Sure you need time to get over your pride, we all do, but once you've managed that hurdle there is no real excuse not to ask for help.  That said a lot of caregivers I know manage to find plenty of excuses. Here are some of the typical ones:

"I don't know my neighbors, besides they're never home"

"They're old and have their own problems"

"You don't understand my situation is different",

And here's my response:

"You'll never know your neighbors unless you make an effort to."

"You'd be surprised what elderly people can do - besides "old" isn't what it used to be."

"Everybody has their own problems but it doesn't mean they can't or won't help you out."

"Yes everybody's situation is different, so what!"

"Not asking for help puts your loved one in jeopardy."

"What will you do in an emergency - you'd better find some answers before something happens."

While you're digesting this let me tell you what happened to us last weekend.

I had a business trip to Rochester - up and back in the same day. I got my husband Steven up and ready for the day. Steven has MS and once in his power chair he is reasonably independent while in the house and he has a personal emergency response system (a fancy way of saying a buzzer) if something should go awry. I'd made his lunch and arranged for our daughter to come by in the afternoon to see if he needed anything. (Yes we are very fortunate to have her only 10 minutes away.) Our neighbor Gail was going to come by and have supper with Steven. Being a recent widow we were actually doing each other a favor. I was due home at about 9:30 with at least a couple of hours of quality time for Steven and I to share before heading into the evening caregiving tasks. 

The operative phrase here is "was due home". That was until my flight was cancelled. It was the last flight out on any airline that flew to the D.C. area and all my pleading that this was creating a medical emergency wasn't going to change that. I called Steven with the news and after a few minutes of collective bitching we hatched a plan.
Luckily Gail was still there. She was able to retrieve the phone book. There was no way that Steven could have done that.

Step one: Call our neighbors. Tony and Marcia live next door. Tony is always willing to lend a hand. Perhaps he could come over and help get Steven into bed. No answer.

Step two: See if Debra is home. She's our other next-door neighbor.  Her boyfriend Tim is usually there on Saturday nights. Thank heavens they were home. That solved the problem of how Steven was going to get undressed, brush his teeth and get into bed, but what about if he needed help during the night. Deb punched her number into the phone and put it within easy reach of Steven. "Don't hesitate to call. I've got the key." Luckily everything went fine and Debra and Tim came by Sunday morning and reversed the process -- got Steven out of bed, dressed and ready for the day. Steven had to walk them through what to do and for novices he said they did a great job.