Remember the past but don’t relive it: Siblings have histories of who took care of whom, who was unreliable and selfish and who was hard-working and generous. While these memories come into play in the expectations that brothers and sisters have of one another, all should keep in mind that history is not prophecy. Children grow up; personalities change; the caregiving situation elicits unexpected behaviors. No one should be too quick to judge a sibling’s present tendencies as confirmation of past faults. By appealing to one another as caring, mature adults, old childhood patterns can be avoided and new, more cooperative interactions can emerge.
Devise consensus: In addition to needing to work from the same set of expectations, siblings need to be on the same page regarding their parent’s diagnosis and prognosis. This is especially true when members have different degrees of acceptance and denial about what’s going on. Having family meetings with the treating physician, as well as sharing documents like medical chart notes, discharge summaries and health information articles, will help brothers and sisters develop greater consensus about what Mom or Dad will need in the short- and long-term. That consensus then will become the basis for developing an effective caregiving plan.
Create a negotiation process: Siblings should agree on the how they will share information, confer with one another and make decisions over time. One typical arrangement involves having family members meet or conduct conference calls on a quarterly basis to discuss what the parent’s care needs are and what each sibling is willing and able to do to meet those needs. Not every sibling should be required to do as much as every other but all should be expected to make some contribution. By talking every three months, brothers and sisters can frankly share their feelings about the sacrifices they are each making and the roles they think other siblings should play. There’s no guarantee that these discussions will be cordial or easy. But the very fact that all siblings are engaged in an ongoing negotiation will engender unity and a sense of shared purpose that will carry them through contentious times.
