“I spend every day rushing to get my work done at my job so I can dash home to cook, clean, look after my teenagers and help out Mom and Dad,” a woman in her early-fifties said to us. “But though I go to bed exhausted, I never feel like I get enough done. And I’m forever feeling guilty about it.”
Those are the sentiments of a rising number of U.S. baby boomers who are caring for aging parents while, at the same time, still attending to the wants and needs of their growing children. Estimates range from 10 to 16 million Americans now part of the so-called Sandwich Generation. Many more will soon join the fold as our population continues to rapidly age and families commit themselves to tending to their eldest members. The effects on boomers living through the Sandwich Generation years are well known. In the best-case scenario, caregivers in their forties, fifties and even sixties find sustainable balances among providing care to parents, children, spouses and themselves and grow personally and/or spiritually from making a substantial difference in their loved ones’ lives. In the worst-case scenario, these caregivers feel pulled in too many directions, experience high levels of anxiety, guilt and depression, and suffer increased rates of insomnia and back pain from the mental and physical wear-and-tear.
Millions of words have been written in books, newspaper columns and online articles by financial planners, lawyers and social service professionals on how boomers can better plan for and cope with the pressures of the Sandwich Generation. What psychologists have to add to this discussion is primarily how boomers can sustain themselves and how family relationships can be strengthened, not weakened, through the duration of caregiving. While the challenges are many and the risks for psychological duress are great, caring for parents and children simultaneously can be a positive, enriching experience for all. Here are our suggestions:
You can’t do too much planning: Before agreeing to house your aging parents, you need to think through what you’re signing up for. Not only should the costs of additional food, electricity, etc. be considered, but discussions should be initiated with all family members involved about the coming changes. You should talk with your kids about what they may gain but also what they likely will lose when Grandma moves in (e.g., they may have to share their bathroom with her or give up some of your attention). You should talk with your spouse about sacrifices you expect him to make and how he feels about them. What’s most important is talking with your parent about what she expects of you and also how you expect she’ll contribute to the running of your household (i.e., what chores she should take on). You’ll also need to discuss how you’ll maintain her privacy and yours.
