Part of planning involves anticipating how you’ll be affected as well. You should expect to feel strained by the new responsibilities you’re assuming. But you should remember that you have the power to choose what you are and aren’t willing to do for your parent over time. As one woman said to us, “I’m happy to care for my demented father in my home. But if he becomes agitated and scares my children, then I’ll have to make arrangements for him to be cared for elsewhere.”
Don’t be a hero: Boomer daughters and sons can do what they consider to be the right thing by helping their parents. But they needn’t sacrifice all other family priorities for this goal. Finding the right balance of caring for each family member and still having your own time will take creativity, flexibility and nerve.
What’s crucial for your capacity to make these adjustments is reaching out for support. Talk with friends and colleagues who have been through similar family ordeals. Attend online or in vivo support groups. Pursue those favorite activities that you know will help you replenish your energies.
Don’t let guilt entrap you in an unbearable situation. If you are feeling overwhelmed, convene a family meeting to discuss the need to change the arrangements. Ask your parent to accept less from you. Ask other family members to step up and do more.
Beware hot buttons: Every family has its areas of sensitivity. Perhaps Grandma gets miffed if you and your spouse go out to dinner without her. Perhaps your spouse fumes if your parent monopolizes the phone. Those small frictions of everyday living can lead to heated exchanges and hurt feelings if they are not discussed and efforts made for everyone to practice greater consideration. The goal isn’t complete resolution of all disagreements but an agreement to disagree cordially even as you pull together to meet all caregiving needs.
Cherish the time together: During this period, you may have the chance to get to know your parents as people in ways you never did before. Your children and their grandparents may befriend each other. Even your spouse may develop a new fondness for your parents and new respect for all that you do. In the years to come, these days of caregiving may seem like a time during which you and your loved ones learned the real meaning of family—caring for each other even under duress, even when there were other things you preferred to do.
