Family caregivers often bemoan the amount of daily giving they have to do. But ask many of them to receive help from others — in the form, say, of attending support groups, hiring home health aides or even accepting covered casseroles from kindly church members — and they stiffen in protest. “We don’t accept handouts,” some say. Or they declare, “Our family takes care of its own.” It’s as if they are afraid that accepting help will look to others as if they are falling down on the job and shirking their duties. Or they seem concerned that accepting assistance will demonstrate that they, in fact, need help and that this would somehow diminish who they are, making them feel less capable, conscientious and true. Faced with the double threat of feeling guilty and losing dignity, these caregivers often opt not to receive help at all.
Yet research studies have found that caregivers who don’t accept help place themselves at greater risk for burning out, especially when the arduous caregiving they do goes on for years. By not conserving what energies they have and failing to replenish their reserves through drawing on others’ energies, they often undermine their capacity to effectively give care to their loved ones over the long haul. Just as marathon runners need to eat pasta beforehand and grab a water bottle at every water station they pass in order to sustain themselves during the exhausting race, caregivers must accept support as their form of sustenance in order to complete their grueling caregiving treks. Learning to receive, consequently, becomes a prerequisite for continuing to give.
Some of the world’s major religions have addressed the human tendency to reject help as a way of avoiding the loss of dignity; they try to encourage their adherents to not only give to others but to gratefully receive from them. Within the Judeo-Christian tradition, the idea of receiving God’s grace — that is, accepting His love and blessings by, for example, reciting prayers upon awakening or before meals — has been extended to graciously accepting the love and blessings of fellow human beings. In Thailand, Buddhist monks beg in the streets for food and money not because they need them — they, in fact, have plenty of both back in their monasteries — but to learn the humility of receiving; they are also seeking to create opportunities for those who place alms in their bowls to feel good about themselves.
Here are some ideas for proud and self-sufficient caregivers to consider as they weigh the pros and cons of receiving:
