When Barbara committed herself to caring for her demented husband, she expected to be broadly supported by family members. Instead, she was roundly criticized, especially by her husband’s adult children from his first marriage. Her step-children acted as if she had no right to decide which doctors their father should see or medications he should take. In fact, they denied he had dementia at all. She felt angry that they were treating her like some usurping Johnny-come-lately.
With an American divorce rate of nearly 50 percent and many people marrying multiple times during their lifetimes, blended families like Barbara’s, made up of members of different family groupings, are common. It’s often difficult enough for the step-children and step-parents, half-siblings and various former spouses to get along. But during emotionally-rife, caregiving ordeals, these blended families may struggle greatly to pull together to provide care. Lacking a shared history of having good times together or even handling previous adversities, these family members may not readily trust one another. Without clear direction about how to function as a well-coordinated unit, they may vie for decision-making power. The dissension among them will only compound caregiving’s challenges.
And when the caregiving doesn’t go well, relationships among blended family members often are strained forever afterwards. In Barbara’s case, her step-children’s criticism prompts her to decide to cease sharing information with his kids. This only makes the step-children more critical and angrier at her. When they get word that she is thinking of placing him in a nursing home, they hire a lawyer to fire off a threatening letter to her. She opts then to have nothing more to do with them — not even for the sake of pleasing her ailing husband.
It doesn’t have to be this way. Here are general strategies to help blended family members cope with caregiving in ways that strengthens their myriad family bonds:
Leave the past in the past: Divorce can be painful, especially for the children involved. As a consequence, relationships among blended family members may be problematic and distant from the outset. But if you want to be helpful to the person who’s ill, then old injuries and arguments need to be set aside. Holding on to old resentments when caregiving depends on concerted efforts, in contrast, would only be to the detriment of you loved one’s well-being. Reach out to all interested family members and engage them in devising an effective caregiving plan for the present and future — without need of rehashing the past at all.
