Practice future hindsight: Many family members are reticent about reaching out to people who remind them of old family hurts. But think of yourself as five years older than you are now, looking back on this time. Do you want to recall yourself churlishly begrudging support and perpetuating negative patterns of family relating? Or would you prefer to remember caregiving as a turning-point in the life of your blended family, when all parties refrained from ill will in order to work together and befriend each other? Take the high road and embrace the opportunity to repair damaged relationships, thereby laying the groundwork for a more satisfying family life in the future.
Honor your mutual love: There is a saying that politics makes strange bedfellows. Caregiving, too, can rally together otherwise antagonistic parties. Even when blended family members have different histories, interests and personalities, they share common concern for the ill loved one (and, possibly, the primary caregiver). Agreeing to join forces against a common enemy — for example, a loved one’s debilitating illness — is a key way of acknowledging and honoring that mutual love. Having once found common ground, distant members in blended families are more likely to do so again in the years ahead.
Beware regression under stress: When the going gets tough during the caregiving, family members may be prone to regressing — that is, going backwards and reverting to old ways of relating. In those instances, acrimony among family members may return. It’s important to remember under those conditions that severe stress doesn’t usually bring out the best in people; it brings out the worst. Bad behavior should be forgiven as a reaction to an excruciating situation. Forgiving harsh words and then refocusing on the caregiver mission is the quickest way of restoring a trustful working relationship.
There is strength in blends: The strongest steel is made up of a blend of different metals. The strongest cloth is woven from a variety of threads. With families, too, the blending of different people with different ideas and traditions can lead to a stronger, more creative whole. That’s what caregiving takes — hardiness and creativity — to meet the challenge of a loved one’s decline. When blended family members learn to join their strengths, they can be highly effective caregivers.
