Q: My Dad was just told he has Type 2 Diabetes, so my mom is trying to watch what he eats. Despite her good intentions, my Dad gets angry and now refers to her as the “Food Cop.” It’s not going well, what should she do?
A: Being told that you have Type 2 Diabetes is tough because it also means you need to change your lifestyle. It means altering your diet for starters, and that isn’t easy for any one. How about all those New Year’s resolutions of losing weight and getting into shape? Old habits take hold and in a few months, we’re back to our old selves.
But in your father’s case, old habits can prove deadly. Many people who acquire diabetes in later life go through stages of denial, depression and defiance. At first your father may think that if he just stops eating cookies he’ll be good to go. Then he may become quite depressed because he’ll need to keep up with his blood pressure and sugar levels, take medications and insulin shots, give up some of his favorite foods and exercise. Deep down, he may feel this is the beginning of the end and it is all downhill from here. This can make him angry giving way to defiantly ignoring doctor’s orders and loved one’s best intentions.
So, how can we help your mom let go of "law and order" at the kitchen table?
1. Make this a joint adventure. Your mom will benefit from healthy foods and exercise, too. If they both start taking walks, both plan meals, and both decide that this is a sign to take control of their lives for healthy aging then the chance of success for each of them doubles.
2. Let your Dad take control. He may need some time to absorb his diagnosis. If your Mom takes over telling him what to do, he’ll just resent her. In Dr. Barry Jacobs' book, The Emotional Survival Guide for Caregivers (Guildford Press) he finds that patients who have been told they have diabetes, "don't just snap to it,” in fact, “most people take up to a year to really adapt to necessary changes.” Your mother could say something like, “Honey, I know this must be pretty hard, so please tell me how I can be your partner in this? I don’t want to be on your case, but it hurts me to see you do things that the doctor told us will harm you.” And then let him come up with ways for her to help.
