Memories of taking care of my mother can still make me burst out crying right in the middle of the street. But once the crying stops another powerful emotion kicks in – the soaring (down on my knees) thankfulness that before it was too late, I learned how to really listen to my mother, the one person I had come to love.
For one glorious year, my mother’s ovarian cancer was in remission. Then the cancer came back. We were worried, but since Ma had beaten it once, we were convinced she could do it again.
Then one day my brother came home from the hospital and told us that my mother asked him to bring her home from the hospital and help her die.
My breathing stopped. I couldn’t feel my feet touching the ground. I knew there was only one thing to do.
I had to talk her out of it.
As soon as Ma saw me, we threw our arms around each other. Her eyes were wet against my cheek. When I pulled away a look clouded her face like she was a child I was about to scold. “You’re not going to try to talk me out of it are you?” she whispered.
“But Ma,” I said, taking a tissue from my pocket and wiping my eyes. “Why? The radiation, you--”
“I can’t, Toby,” her voice cracked.
“But the doctor said that’s all you’d need,” I choked out. “Just a few treatments and the tumor would shrink.”
“I can’t do it, honey.”
The room started swaying.
“Ma,” I said too loudly. “The radiation is the only chance you have.” I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “Please Ma,” I begged, “Just go for one, just one treatment, then see how you feel.”
“I went to the radiologist,” she said slowly. “I didn’t want to tell you. Remember the doctor said I’d only have to have a few treatments to shrink the tumor in my liver?”
I closed my eyes and nodded.
“Well, the hospital doesn’t have enough money to hire skilled people. So they sent two kids to take me over to the radiation center. Kids don’t know how to lift anyone. They dragged me across this bed and just dropped me onto a gurney. It hurt so much I started crying. When the ambulance got me to the radiation center, a nurse took me into this small room and told me to lie down on the metal table till the doctor came in. It was so cold. I must have lain there for an hour.”
