Q: My mother has Alzheimer’s and my Dad thinks that all of these mean things she says and her swearing is really the person she always must have been but managed to keep control of herself. My mom was a warm and wonderful person and I’m angry at my father for thinking this of her. Is he right?
A: No. Alzheimer’s is a disease that causes regions of the brain to shrink and lose their function. As the disease progresses different areas of the brain are affected. It often starts near the hippocampus which plays a major role in forming our memories along with storing and processing spatial information that helps us navigate. This is why during early stages of the disease, a person may end up at a neighbor’s house and not know why or how they got there. The disease spreads its tangles and plaques in parts of the brain that help form and express personality, behavior and language. Before long, a loved one’s impulse control is severely damaged. All of those learned behaviors of being polite, not swearing, lashing out or undressing in public are essentially erased.
That’s the biological answer. On the personal side, your mother is slowly losing her sense of “self” rather than unveiling some secret identity that your Dad suspects lay hidden all of these years. One of the hardest things for some family members to understand is that someone suffering from dementia is not deliberately acting difficult. But because people with dementia can sometimes appear to be perfectly normal, it may be hard for your father to distinguish between when she is being “herself” and when her behavior is caused by the dementia. As a result, your father may think that your mom knows exactly what she is doing which will only get him angry – especially if he thinks this troublesome person is who she has been all along. People with dementia can become easily agitated and, in a matter of minutes, she and your dad will be in the midst of a firestorm fueled by his anger.
Ask your mother's physician to speak with your father about the disease and its stages. It would be very helpful if her doctor showed actual brain scans so your Dad can see the physical changes that are caused by Alzheimer’s. You can view PET scans and take a fascinating tour of the brain and how Alzheimer’s disease affects it by going to the National Alzheimer’s Association web site at www.alz.org.
