Sunday, February 12, 2012

Chronic Illness and Relationships

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Stacy

Stacy

Sat, June 02, 2007

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Chances are, if you have a chronic illness, you have dealt with its impact on your relationships.  Whether it be with your significant other, family, or colleagues, chronic illness has a profound impact on your life and those around you.  Relationships and sex are important parts of life, and having both of them can help someone with chronic pain feel more "normal," when many other things in their life have been stripped away.

For the patient, it is a constant struggle to accept their illness and integrate it into their life.  For their family and friends, it is difficult to accept this "new" person and their limitations.

Specifically, it can be very difficult for those who are single to meet new people, whether it just be for friends, or potential partners.
Dating is a subject that is very rarely covered in any chronic pain 'handbooks' and is even more seldomly talked about.   Some even believe that because of a person's illness, they should not, or do not want to date and are unlikely to form a relationship.  This can't be further from the truth!  

However, there are definitely some unique issues that come along with relationships and chronic illness/pain.

Some questions to ponder:
  • When is the appropriate time to tell a new person in your life about your chronic pain/illness?
  • How much do you tell them?
  • Do you mention when you do not feel well, and if so, when, how often, and to what extent?
  • How much of your past (surgeries, etc.) do you mention?
  • How do you help them to understand what role the illness plays in your life?
  • At a certain point, how can they help you when you do not feel well?  And how do you express how you would like to be helped?
Personally, I find it difficult to not tell the person right away.  This is because chronic pain, TMJ disorder, surgeries, etc are a huge part of my life.  My job is patient advocacy, so if the person cannot (or does not want to) try to understand my illness, they are obviously not the right person for me.  How do you tell when someone isn't accepting enough?  How can you tell if your illness will be a problem for your relationship with that person in the future, and possibly try to circumvent any issues, or help them to understand better?

I have learned the hard way that not everyone can understand illness and most importantly, some people have problems living with someone who is chronically ill.  Some people have never dealt with serious illness and have trouble accepting the fact that the illness will never go away.  They believe that the illness/pain is in your head and that you should just "get over it."

When you meet that special someone, or already have, sexual problems might become a concern in your relationship.  Many people with chronic illness have issues because of medication or other reasons.  Unfortunately, very few patients visit the doctor about these issues because of embarrasement, lack of knowledge on the physician's part, the idea that no remedies exist for their problem, that it is 'all in their head,' or lack of sensitivity on the doctor's part to the patients concerns. 
Anonymous
Ally
6/ 4/07 9:44pm

Dear Stacy,


Thank you for this Sharepost on relationships. It is very hard to know when you should tell your significant other about your chronic problem and that it won't be going away. I'm afraid it'll scare them off because they just plain don't understand the illness. I suffer from TMJ Disorder also and have been diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia in the left side of my face. It's tough, because there are days when it's hard to get out of bed and keep my life going. I must say that my life goes on, but at a slow pace most of the time...


I'm looking forward to the information you bring back from the seminar you're attenting in June. Keep us all posted and Thanks Again!!


God Bless,


Ally


6/12/07 6:16pm

Hey, Stacy.


YES!!! This is an extremely "touchy" topic. Of course, I have absolutely NO qualms about saying, "I want SEX!!!, I Want to KISS A MAN-BOY!!!"..., to people I know. Of course, saying it to someone you hardly know, and may have a crush on, is extremely difficult. Recently, I was dating a very nice man. I gave him just a small taste (no pun intended) of what I deal with and he didn't call again. I met with someone I used to really like and, after having to tell him that his kissing was incredibley painful to me, he did call; again and again. I was the one who didn't want to go through another night of that!


Yes, we with chronic pain (and tmd, esp., I think) have a big issue to bring up before anything can go forward. Of course, this does limit our choices and, at nearly 50, I don't need yet another limitation!


SO, let me know what you find out, ok?


Anne

6/14/07 1:27am

Stacy,


This is definitely a very interesting topic! I know that my chronic pain has such a HUGE impact on my marriage. It has dominated our marriage for the last two years, and sometimes I just feel terrible about that. I try not to let it take over, but sometimes it's just impossible. I do my best to try and keep things "light" and "fun", but at times, I just can't do it.


AND...since I have moved to a new city...I also want to make new friends. But it's hard to pretend that I'm not in pain...and I find myself wondering, when do I tell new friends about my chronic pain? How much do I tell them? I so badly want people to understand that I'm NOT making it up, and I can't just "get over it." I don't want to talk about it all the time with them, but I DO want them to realize that it's an ONGOING problem for me...and that sometimes I may have to cancel plans, do something low-key, etc, and that I'm not just some hypochondriac.


Anyway, thanks again for writing about this...it really hit home for me!!!


-Meg

Anonymous
Mary
10/ 1/07 8:35pm
I have Hepatitis C, Diabetes and Dysthimia-((long term low level depression) with sometimes episodes of major depression (currently). When I feel sick I have to resl a lot. I can only go out so many times.  Also people are afraid of having any sex with a person with Hep C because they are afraid of that minute miniscule chance of contracting it, even with protection.  My husband of 15 years divorced me partly due to my illness and lack of energy which yes he thought was all in my head.  Please help. Is there a dating site for people with chronic illnesses????

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