Chronic Illness and Relationships

Chances are, if you have a chronic illness, you have dealt with its impact on your relationships.  Whether it be with your significant other, family, or colleagues, chronic illness has a profound impact on your life and those around you.  Relationships and sex are important parts of life, and having both of them can help someone with chronic pain feel more "normal," when many other things in their life have been stripped away.

For the patient, it is a constant struggle to accept their illness and integrate it into their life.  For their family and friends, it is difficult to accept this "new" person and their limitations.

Specifically, it can be very difficult for those who are single to meet new people, whether it just be for friends, or potential partners.
Dating is a subject that is very rarely covered in any chronic pain 'handbooks' and is even more seldomly talked about.   Some even believe that because of a person's illness, they should not, or do not want to date and are unlikely to form a relationship.  This can't be further from the truth!  

However, there are definitely some unique issues that come along with relationships and chronic illness/pain.

Some questions to ponder:

• When is the appropriate time to tell a new person in your life about your chronic pain/illness?
• How much do you tell them?
• Do you mention when you do not feel well, and if so, when, how often, and to what extent?
• How much of your past (surgeries, etc.) do you mention?
• How do you help them to understand what role the illness plays in your life?
• At a certain point, how can they help you when you do not feel well?  And how do you express how you would like to be helped?

Personally, I find it difficult to not tell the person right away.  This is because chronic pain, TMJ disorder, surgeries, etc are a huge part of my life.  My job is patient advocacy, so if the person cannot (or does not want to) try to understand my illness, they are obviously not the right person for me.  How do you tell when someone isn't accepting enough?  How can you tell if your illness will be a problem for your relationship with that person in the future, and possibly try to circumvent any issues, or help them to understand better?

I have learned the hard way that not everyone can understand illness and most importantly, some people have problems living with someone who is chronically ill.  Some people have never dealt with serious illness and have trouble accepting the fact that the illness will never go away.  They believe that the illness/pain is in your head and that you should just "get over it."

When you meet that special someone, or already have, sexual problems might become a concern in your relationship.  Many people with chronic illness have issues because of medication or other reasons.  Unfortunately, very few patients visit the doctor about these issues because of embarrasement, lack of knowledge on the physician's part, the idea that no remedies exist for their problem, that it is 'all in their head,' or lack of sensitivity on the doctor's part to the patients concerns.