Approval and Acceptance

My father has always been a big figure in my life.  You could say that he is bigger than life.  He has been someone that I have needed acceptance from, but I've never gotten it. He has never validated or accepted what has happened to me, because he does not believe that my illness is "real." I've always been "Daddy's Little Girl" but for some reason, I've never felt good enough, smart enough, or successful enough to meet his approval.  Maybe this is just all in my head, because he's never actually said any of this to me.  However, I feel it.  

My Dad was not a "success" in his own right until he was in his 30's.  Perhaps that is why his expectations of me, at my age, are so high.  We never have these discussions, so I'm left analyzing our relationship on my own (that may not even be an issue).

The ironic part of all of this, is that I am probably more like him than I am like my mother... and maybe that is why he holds me to a different standard.  

Unfortunately, chronic illness isn't tangible - it isn't something that someone else can see.  Since my father likes proof and evidence, it is impossible for him to understand what I am going through.  He also has a great distrust of doctors.  Since I've had so many surgeries and seen so many physicians, he sees it as doctor or treatment shopping.  He doesn't understand that the nature of my illness deems it necessary for me to have all of these surgeries.  On top of that, I've moved a lot, and every time I move, I have to find a new team.  To my father, the word "team" has a negative connotation.  He doesn't trust the new doctors in my life, no matter how qualified they are.  To be honest, I feel as though he sees it as yet another money trap. In the end, he helps me with the costs, but he always extracts a price.  The price being, "this is the last time I'll help you," or "get a job now."   He doesn't believe that any of the work I do now is beneficial. He's defining success on his terms, and being a writer, patient advocate, whatever - that is just not what he envisions as successful.

Relationships with parents are hard enough.  Adding chronic pain to the equation makes things even harder.  I wish I had a step-by-step formula for all of you to help make your relationships stronger and possibly help that one person in your life understand your pain.  But I don't.  I struggle every day and take small victories with my father as huge steps in the right direction.  The other day, he told me that he was proud of me.  That meant the world.... but the next day, we were back to square one.

I win a few battles, but I don't know if I'll ever be sure that I'll win this tug of war with my dad for good.  For right now, I'm working on not needing his approval and defining my own measure of success.  Will it work?  We'll see!