Monday, February 13, 2012

Approval and Acceptance

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Stacy

Stacy

Mon, June 11, 2007

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My father has always been a big figure in my life.  You could say that he is bigger than life.  He has been someone that I have needed acceptance from, but I've never gotten it. He has never validated or accepted what has happened to me, because he does not believe that my illness is "real." I've always been "Daddy's Little Girl" but for some reason, I've never felt good enough, smart enough, or successful enough to meet his approval.  Maybe this is just all in my head, because he's never actually said any of this to me.  However, I feel it.  

My Dad was not a "success" in his own right until he was in his 30's.  Perhaps that is why his expectations of me, at my age, are so high.  We never have these discussions, so I'm left analyzing our relationship on my own (that may not even be an issue).

The ironic part of all of this, is that I am probably more like him than I am like my mother... and maybe that is why he holds me to a different standard.  

Unfortunately, chronic illness isn't tangible - it isn't something that someone else can see.  Since my father likes proof and evidence, it is impossible for him to understand what I am going through.  He also has a great distrust of doctors.  Since I've had so many surgeries and seen so many physicians, he sees it as doctor or treatment shopping.  He doesn't understand that the nature of my illness deems it necessary for me to have all of these surgeries.  On top of that, I've moved a lot, and every time I move, I have to find a new team.  To my father, the word "team" has a negative connotation.  He doesn't trust the new doctors in my life, no matter how qualified they are.  To be honest, I feel as though he sees it as yet another money trap. In the end, he helps me with the costs, but he always extracts a price.  The price being, "this is the last time I'll help you," or "get a job now."   He doesn't believe that any of the work I do now is beneficial. He's defining success on his terms, and being a writer, patient advocate, whatever - that is just not what he envisions as successful.

Relationships with parents are hard enough.  Adding chronic pain to the equation makes things even harder.  I wish I had a step-by-step formula for all of you to help make your relationships stronger and possibly help that one person in your life understand your pain.  But I don't.  I struggle every day and take small victories with my father as huge steps in the right direction.  The other day, he told me that he was proud of me.  That meant the world.... but the next day, we were back to square one.

I win a few battles, but I don't know if I'll ever be sure that I'll win this tug of war with my dad for good.  For right now, I'm working on not needing his approval and defining my own measure of success.  Will it work?  We'll see!
Anonymous
Ally
6/18/07 6:33pm

Dear Stacy,


I just want to say your story touched me in so many ways. I've had these and are still having these kinds of problems with my ex-husband and his parents. In the last year, it has started to affect my relationship with my 2 kids because they have begun lying to my kids for some reason. I thought our relationship was pretty civil, but I guess I was wrong on that one!! They're saying things to them like I'm making all this up, I'm crazy, my symptoms aren't real, I'm just wanting attention, and I'm just wanting the medications. It's all so untrue. Espescially the part about the medications. I don't like taking anything more than occasional aspirin or ibuprofin. But unfornutately, those two med's. don't work for the kind of chronic pain I have. And I feel I'm fighting for my kids relationship with me right now. As Teri said in one of her Shareposts, "These are Toxic Relationships!!" When you can't see the problem, like you said, people think there's nothing wrong with you. Like with me, I have TMJ Disorder and have had 4 surgeries and am facing a 5th one. I also have been diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia on the left side of my face due to nerve damage that cannot be corrected. And the nerve damage was caused by one of my surgeries!! Go figure...


I have chronic pain that starts in front of my left ear, and travels throughout the left side of my face, over my eye, to the back of my ear and head, and then down the left side of my neck and upper back. And it's not just a "little" pain. It's horrible pain!! It's pain that I would never wish on my worst enemy. And it sounds like you're having the same kind of pain, chronic pain. Am I right?


I'm so sorry about you and your father. It sounds like you really love and admire him, but for some reason he can't or doesn't want to see that.


I'm very blessed in that respect. My parents have stood beside me through thick and thin and are always there for me. My Father is my hero, and he knows that and appreciates it whenever I tell him that. And my Mother is my best friend. Her and I talk to each other like really good girlfriends would talk. And I also have a boyfriend who understands the chronic pain I have and he supports me through it all. But they're the only 3 people in my life that I feel I have that I can count on when the going gets tough. But I also consider myself blessed to have the 3 of them on my side. But I want my kids to be a part of that also, but they're father and his parents just keep on lying and lying and lying to them. I'm fighting a tough battle. And it sounds like you are too. I'm so sorry for that and I hope that someday it will get better for you and your Dad. Every girl, no matter how young or old needs acceptance from their Father and their Mother.


Does your Mother support you in any way? Does she understand what you're going through? You know, I'm learning so much on this website about relationships, medications, other people with the same chronic conditions I have, etc... I'm really glad that I joined it.


You don't have to answer this if you don't want to. But I was wondering if you suffer from TMJ Disorders also? And how many surgeries have you had?


You know, that's the part I have a real hard time dealing with. A person is having to have repeated surgeries for the same problem, and other people can't understand that, "Hey, maybe she really is having a problem and not making it all up in her head." Well, duh... Surgery is no fun. In fact it's down right scary. It just outrages me that some people think the way they do. Like I said before, it's just toxic and in my case, downright sadistic. My ex-inlaws use the Bible and twist words around to my kids to make me sound like I'm some kind of evil demonic plague or something. It's crazy how they think. I myself am a Christian and believe the scriptures espescially John 3:16. I have a lot of other favorites, but I won't go into all of that on here. But my ex-father-in-law thinks that there have been 120,000 "purified people" picked by God Himself to stay behind after the rapture occurs to witness to those who are still in need of salvation. Well, my ex-father-in-law believes that he is one of those 120,000 chosen because God spoke to him personally one day while he was working about all of this. He said that God told him that he was very purified and he was to answer this calling. These are words that came out of his own mouth and he told me all of this a couple of years before his son and I divorced. Needless to say, I left their house with my mouth dropped open far enough to catch Big flies. They also conduct exorcisms in their house. They've been doing that for about the past 8 or 10 years. They call it "Deliverance Ministry". But they say that they use holy water and chant and these demons start coming out of these people. He says they have to be careful, because these demons get violent and try to hurt them. Sure sounds like exorcisms to me!! So, they're just down right sadistic and I'm in the process of getting a restraing order so that they cannot see my kids anymore, whatsoever. I would've done it sooner, but I just recently realized that they have been telling my kids all these crazy things. These are the kinds of people I'm dealing with. My oldest, Rachael, is 19 and not sure who to believe and what to think. But my youngest, Zachary, is 14 and very impressionable and thinks that he should believe Grandma and Grandpa. So, that's the kind of CRAP I'm dealing with as far as my kids go. I go to court over all this on July 9th with my lawyer and he's pretty certain that we will get the restraining order. There's other Crazy things I could tell you about my ex's, but I think I've said enough!!


I didn't mean to ramble on about my problems, but I and my kids are definetly in toxic relationships, and I've got to get my kids out of the middle of it all. That's just all there is to it!!


I do so wish you well, and will say an extra prayer for you and your Father.


Keep me posted on how you're doing.


Take Care,


Ally

6/18/07 6:43pm
Hi Ally,
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. Yes, I am dealing with TMJ disorder as well. If you click on my name and go to my profile, my story is there. I believe I have had 10 or so surgeries, the last being bilateral TMJ total joint replacements.
I do get along with my Mother very well, and she is extremely supportive. It means the world to me. She writes on this site as a caregiver.. you might have seen her posts. Her name is Candy Franks.
She has been with me through thick and thin, and I really appreciate it.

I'm sorry that you are having issues with your ex's family. It is very difficult to try to explain to people what is happening when they already have their hearts set on not accepting or believing you. I hope your court date works out well.

Tonight I will be going to a workshop here in San Francisco about chronic illness and relationships. I am really excited to see what the author/teacher has to say, and I hope to post on it very soon.
Anyway, hang in there.. I know it can be tough but you have people who love & care about you, and us here who definitely understand what you are going through. :)
stacy
6/19/07 3:23am

Stacy,


As your friend, I've seen your struggles with your dad. As a daughter myself, I have lived similar ones. I think your words really hit home, and that we all deal with things like this on some level with our parents. The aspect of chronic pain adds a whole other dimension to things, and my family has NO CLUE what I go through. Not because I haven't tried, but because for some reason they haven't tried to understand.. or maybe they have and can't. Who knows. I've given up on trying to figure it out. I know that I have a few that do understand (you included) that I consider my family.


I hope that your baby steps with your dad are for the most part all in the forward direction. I would hope that deep down the "thinks" that by playing tough love he is doing what is best for his little girl.


I always love reading your posts...


Hope you're doing ok.. sorry I haven't been around much. I intend to change that very soon.


Your friend,


Nic

Anonymous
Syl
6/19/07 10:37am
Have any of you posting done the Landmark Forum? I have, and my life has been ammazingly transformed. Even though, no one in my life has changed...Please look it up on the net and register ASAP. You'll be glad you did.
Anonymous
Ed
6/19/07 11:30am
I found your issue with your father interesting because you "perceive" his attitude and "feel" it. You are creating a lot of hurt within yourself and probably in him over something you admit might be a figment of your imagination. You need to talk with him about it. Why would you talk to the rest of the world about this issue but not your own father? You need to realize he may not agree with everything you do but still loves and accepts you 100%. Men often use more logic where many women are more emotional and expect 100% support even when logic dictates otherwise. Understand that he can be critical of some of your choices and still be proud of you. When you went "back to square one the next day" might have been your imagination. You'll never know if you don't have the conversations with him.
Anonymous
Lee Ann
6/19/07 5:56pm

Stacy,


I just want to encourage you to accept who you are on the basis of what God says, that He loves you & wants a relationship with you, & not on the basis of what you feel your father thiks of you. I know parental approval is important to us, & should be there, but if not, defination of ourselves has to come from a healthy source. What better place than from our Creator!

6/19/07 7:44pm
I thought the same thing Ed did. Sharing your feelings with the world is helpful for people wanting to understand the lives of chronic pain sufferers, but I hope you're sharing some of this with your dad as well.

I think this is one of the common differences between men and women. When I visit my folks, mom will ask how I'm doing, dad will ask how work is going. Moms think with emotion, dads think with purpose. For one, happiness is success, and the other, it's a brilliant career. I'm sure his heart is in the right place, he's just out of his realm.

6/19/07 8:10pm

Hi everyone,
I'm glad that this Share Post has brought on some discussion and recommendations . :) Thank you to those of you who have replied.
You never know if someone out there might be dealing with the same issues.
As far as talking with my father, yes, I have shared these concerns with him. I do agree that men & women think differently, but I also believe that people do the best they can with the tools they have.. and he is doing the best he can. I appreciate that and really appreciate what he does do, as I know his heart is in the right place.

However, this still doesn't stop me from knowing that he doesn't understand my illness.. and it doesn't stop me from working on defining success in my own way.
With this SharePost, I wanted to demonstrate that relationships and chronic illness are not easy; and you might not get what you need (or want) from people in your life.. you may just get what they are willing or are able to give.. and that is okay, too..
I appreciate everyone's insight, advice, and personal experience/stories. Thanks for sharing!!
:)
stacy
6/20/07 9:11pm

Stacy,


Again, great topic...as always! I can definitely relate to this. I have similar issues with my father...I don't think he understands my head/TMJ pain, or my ongoing lower body pain. It gets sooo frustrating at times...but I feel like it just takes too much energy, trying to make others understand. I have the same issue with my brother and sister...I have given up, trying to get them to understand. Fortunately, i have my husband and a small number of friends that actually believe me.


Hang in there...you are a strong woman...and I for one appreciate the work you do as a patient advocate!!! Thank you for all that you do for us!!!

 

-Meg

Anonymous
TARA
7/ 6/07 1:27pm

Stacey,



I can understand what you are going through with your dad because I am going through it with my husband. I try to celebrate small victories with him. This illness has really taxed our relationship very much! He pays for my meds by then threatens stop helping me get them. He doesnt understand that I need them for my life to be sucessful. I think it is even harder to get someone to understand my problem then for me to understand myself.


Stacey, Your articles have helped me very much and as a chronic pain patient I applaud all you do for us so pat yourself on the back you do deserve it.


Remeber we as people define what sucess is.



Tara

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