My father has always been a big figure in my life. You could say that he is bigger than life. He has been someone that I have needed acceptance from, but I've never gotten it. He has never validated or accepted what has happened to me, because he does not believe that my illness is "real." I've always been "Daddy's Little Girl" but for some reason, I've never felt good enough, smart enough, or successful enough to meet his approval. Maybe this is just all in my head, because he's never actually said any of this to me. However, I feel it.
My Dad was not a "success" in his own right until he was in his 30's. Perhaps that is why his expectations of me, at my age, are so high. We never have these discussions, so I'm left analyzing our relationship on my own (that may not even be an issue).
The ironic part of all of this, is that I am probably more like him than I am like my mother... and maybe that is why he holds me to a different standard.
Unfortunately, chronic illness isn't tangible - it isn't something that someone else can see. Since my father likes proof and evidence, it is impossible for him to understand what I am going through. He also has a great distrust of doctors. Since I've had so many surgeries and seen so many physicians, he sees it as doctor or treatment shopping. He doesn't understand that the nature of my illness deems it necessary for me to have all of these surgeries. On top of that, I've moved a lot, and every time I move, I have to find a new team. To my father, the word "team" has a negative connotation. He doesn't trust the new doctors in my life, no matter how qualified they are. To be honest, I feel as though he sees it as yet another money trap. In the end, he helps me with the costs, but he always extracts a price. The price being, "this is the last time I'll help you," or "get a job now." He doesn't believe that any of the work I do now is beneficial. He's defining success on his terms, and being a writer, patient advocate, whatever - that is just not what he envisions as successful.
Relationships with parents are hard enough. Adding chronic pain to the equation makes things even harder. I wish I had a step-by-step formula for all of you to help make your relationships stronger and possibly help that one person in your life understand your pain. But I don't. I struggle every day and take small victories with my father as huge steps in the right direction. The other day, he told me that he was proud of me. That meant the world.... but the next day, we were back to square one.
I win a few battles, but I don't know if I'll ever be sure that I'll win this tug of war with my dad for good. For right now, I'm working on not needing his approval and defining my own measure of success. Will it work? We'll see!
My Dad was not a "success" in his own right until he was in his 30's. Perhaps that is why his expectations of me, at my age, are so high. We never have these discussions, so I'm left analyzing our relationship on my own (that may not even be an issue).
The ironic part of all of this, is that I am probably more like him than I am like my mother... and maybe that is why he holds me to a different standard.
Unfortunately, chronic illness isn't tangible - it isn't something that someone else can see. Since my father likes proof and evidence, it is impossible for him to understand what I am going through. He also has a great distrust of doctors. Since I've had so many surgeries and seen so many physicians, he sees it as doctor or treatment shopping. He doesn't understand that the nature of my illness deems it necessary for me to have all of these surgeries. On top of that, I've moved a lot, and every time I move, I have to find a new team. To my father, the word "team" has a negative connotation. He doesn't trust the new doctors in my life, no matter how qualified they are. To be honest, I feel as though he sees it as yet another money trap. In the end, he helps me with the costs, but he always extracts a price. The price being, "this is the last time I'll help you," or "get a job now." He doesn't believe that any of the work I do now is beneficial. He's defining success on his terms, and being a writer, patient advocate, whatever - that is just not what he envisions as successful.
Relationships with parents are hard enough. Adding chronic pain to the equation makes things even harder. I wish I had a step-by-step formula for all of you to help make your relationships stronger and possibly help that one person in your life understand your pain. But I don't. I struggle every day and take small victories with my father as huge steps in the right direction. The other day, he told me that he was proud of me. That meant the world.... but the next day, we were back to square one.
I win a few battles, but I don't know if I'll ever be sure that I'll win this tug of war with my dad for good. For right now, I'm working on not needing his approval and defining my own measure of success. Will it work? We'll see!
Dear Stacy,
I just want to say your story touched me in so many ways. I've had these and are still having these kinds of problems with my ex-husband and his parents. In the last year, it has started to affect my relationship with my 2 kids because they have begun lying to my kids for some reason. I thought our relationship was pretty civil, but I guess I was wrong on that one!! They're saying things to them like I'm making all this up, I'm crazy, my symptoms aren't real, I'm just wanting attention, and I'm just wanting the medications. It's all so untrue. Espescially the part about the medications. I don't like taking anything more than occasional aspirin or ibuprofin. But unfornutately, those two med's. don't work for the kind of chronic pain I have. And I feel I'm fighting for my kids relationship with me right now. As Teri said in one of her Shareposts, "These are Toxic Relationships!!" When you can't see the problem, like you said, people think there's nothing wrong with you. Like with me, I have TMJ Disorder and have had 4 surgeries and am facing a 5th one. I also have been diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia on the left side of my face due to nerve damage that cannot be corrected. And the nerve damage was caused by one of my surgeries!! Go figure...
I have chronic pain that starts in front of my left ear, and travels throughout the left side of my face, over my eye, to the back of my ear and head, and then down the left side of my neck and upper back. And it's not just a "little" pain. It's horrible pain!! It's pain that I would never wish on my worst enemy. And it sounds like you're having the same kind of pain, chronic pain. Am I right?
I'm so sorry about you and your father. It sounds like you really love and admire him, but for some reason he can't or doesn't want to see that.
I'm very blessed in that respect. My parents have stood beside me through thick and thin and are always there for me. My Father is my hero, and he knows that and appreciates it whenever I tell him that. And my Mother is my best friend. Her and I talk to each other like really good girlfriends would talk. And I also have a boyfriend who understands the chronic pain I have and he supports me through it all. But they're the only 3 people in my life that I feel I have that I can count on when the going gets tough. But I also consider myself blessed to have the 3 of them on my side. But I want my kids to be a part of that also, but they're father and his parents just keep on lying and lying and lying to them. I'm fighting a tough battle. And it sounds like you are too. I'm so sorry for that and I hope that someday it will get better for you and your Dad. Every girl, no matter how young or old needs acceptance from their Father and their Mother.
Does your Mother support you in any way? Does she understand what you're going through? You know, I'm learning so much on this website about relationships, medications, other people with the same chronic conditions I have, etc... I'm really glad that I joined it.
You don't have to answer this if you don't want to. But I was wondering if you suffer from TMJ Disorders also? And how many surgeries have you had?
You know, that's the part I have a real hard time dealing with. A person is having to have repeated surgeries for the same problem, and other people can't understand that, "Hey, maybe she really is having a problem and not making it all up in her head." Well, duh... Surgery is no fun. In fact it's down right scary. It just outrages me that some people think the way they do. Like I said before, it's just toxic and in my case, downright sadistic. My ex-inlaws use the Bible and twist words around to my kids to make me sound like I'm some kind of evil demonic plague or something. It's crazy how they think. I myself am a Christian and believe the scriptures espescially John 3:16. I have a lot of other favorites, but I won't go into all of that on here. But my ex-father-in-law thinks that there have been 120,000 "purified people" picked by God Himself to stay behind after the rapture occurs to witness to those who are still in need of salvation. Well, my ex-father-in-law believes that he is one of those 120,000 chosen because God spoke to him personally one day while he was working about all of this. He said that God told him that he was very purified and he was to answer this calling. These are words that came out of his own mouth and he told me all of this a couple of years before his son and I divorced. Needless to say, I left their house with my mouth dropped open far enough to catch Big flies. They also conduct exorcisms in their house. They've been doing that for about the past 8 or 10 years. They call it "Deliverance Ministry". But they say that they use holy water and chant and these demons start coming out of these people. He says they have to be careful, because these demons get violent and try to hurt them. Sure sounds like exorcisms to me!! So, they're just down right sadistic and I'm in the process of getting a restraing order so that they cannot see my kids anymore, whatsoever. I would've done it sooner, but I just recently realized that they have been telling my kids all these crazy things. These are the kinds of people I'm dealing with. My oldest, Rachael, is 19 and not sure who to believe and what to think. But my youngest, Zachary, is 14 and very impressionable and thinks that he should believe Grandma and Grandpa. So, that's the kind of CRAP I'm dealing with as far as my kids go. I go to court over all this on July 9th with my lawyer and he's pretty certain that we will get the restraining order. There's other Crazy things I could tell you about my ex's, but I think I've said enough!!
I didn't mean to ramble on about my problems, but I and my kids are definetly in toxic relationships, and I've got to get my kids out of the middle of it all. That's just all there is to it!!
I do so wish you well, and will say an extra prayer for you and your Father.
Keep me posted on how you're doing.
Take Care,
Ally