One year at Christmas, I unwrapped two beautiful blouses from my Grandmother. I loved both of them, so I ran upstairs to try one of them on. As I excitedly ran down the stairs to show my Grandmother what the new shirt looked like on, she exclaimed "What, you don't like the other one?"
Of course I couldn't wear two at a time... but, this is a perfect example of unintentional guilt and what we do to each other without even thinking about it. I think those of us who have chronic pain have learned to balance the guilt we have in every day life. There are so many ways it manifests itself.
For me, I know I feel guilty when I'm not able to attend something I said yes to, or if I'm not feeling great when everyone else is...
Guilt is such a strange thing. I've learned that in relationships, a lot of the time you do a dance between who feels the most guilty that day or moment. The chronic pain patient feels guilty for not being able to do as much as he or she once could. The "normal" person feels guilty that they have this perfect life that they don't appreciate, a life without the never-ending reminder of constant pain. Then both parties feel guilty that the other feels guilty!
An example is how my Mother feels about my chronic pain. She feels that maybe there could have been something that she could've done to prevent this from happening to me, or perhaps she feels that she may have inadvertently caused it. I feel guilty that she has to deal with my issues. Guilt is a double-edged sword.
When and how do we draw the line? Is this guilt just the normal way that we deal with not-so-normal circumstances?
A friend told me the other day that it seemed this guilt was just part of the cycle of support. Each person supports the other in the relationship as best as he or she can. Is this guilt a "normal" feature of a relationship with someone that is ill?
As with everything else in chronic pain, and in life in general, there is no "normal." What feels best to you IS, indeed, best. Chronic illnesses don't come with an instruction manual, so you just figure out everything as you go along.
Oh Stacy, if you only new how much your "journal entry" means to me and especially today. Things have been a little rough, stressful, confussing, I am not sure what to call it but rather uncomfortable around my household lately. Well, stressfull for the last 6 months and gone a little crazy just the last few days. Sad really sad. Anyway, it pertains very much to the subject in hand.
What goes one way for one can and does not always go the same for the other. I hope I am making some sense here. Is it worth trying to 'make' some one understand? I use the word make because that is what it feels like it has come down to.
As the topic of your journal goes the guilt....my god....after 50 years of this one would think that you no longer had to swear on your innocence. When do I give in. I have said many times I give up and then I say to the migraine I am not going to let you take me to my grave. But yet how many years have I felt that I was one foot in or rather choose the grave than the pain?
I am sure for the people around me it has been just as confusing and difficult to watch and live through and try to explain. At least for a very few close to me. I still haven't been able to come up with an answer to " do you think you will be sick" or " if you think you are going to get a headache". Those still get said to me by a couple close family members. I just say I can't promise you anything but I would love not to.
I did want you to know though you did make me feel better and gosh did I need it!!!
Thank you. Thank you very much! Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas too!
Marlene