Reflections on the Past Year

About a year ago, I had TMJ total joint replacements. I wanted to take a moment to reflect on this past year and what my life has been like since they were implanted, especially since one of the questions I get asked often is "Would you do it again?"

When I first visited the surgeon to discuss having the implants, he suggested that I visit a psychologist. Not because he felt that this was "all in my head," but because he wanted to be fully sure that I understood the concept that this might not be completely successful, and he wanted a psychologists opinion on how I would handle it if in fact it didn't work. He also wanted me to know that if it did fail, there was nothing that could be done to correct it.

Keep in mind, that his idea of success was to give me an anatomically correct, functioning jaw. My version of success would be pain relief.
What I never considered was the price I would pay for this function.
You can't fully understand what it means when someone says that nothing can be done if your surgery fails when you are in a lot of pain. You are in so much pain that you will do anything to get help.

As my jaw healed, my pain escalated, to the point that I thought my body had rejected the joint, or it was infected. A CT scan and tests revealed that this was not the case.

I was diagnosed with chronic intractable pain. Although pain specialists had mentioned "chronic intractable pain" before my surgery, I had no idea it was going to occur AFTER... I thought that the surgery would relieve my pain, or at least a significant amount of it.

I lived with my parents for a year after the joint replacement. I think I needed that time to recover from so many surgeries - physically, as well as emotionally. I also needed to learn how to accept chronic pain. For me, acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means integrating chronic pain into my life, so I could actually HAVE a life.

One morning, I woke up and I decided I was moving to San Francisco.
I am so happy that I listened to myself. I did it... I left, and moved back to the city that I loved. No one told me to leave - it was a decision I came to on my own. I am grateful for having the time, the year, to get ready to make the decision... because when it came I was ready.
Sometimes people just don't listen to themselves. They let the chatter of family & friends get in the way and they end up doing what they think they "should do." Instead of what is really in their heart.

I knew it was time for me to go. I knew, that day, it was time for me to leave.. and I haven't looked back.

It's not easy. I miss my family, my friends, and my team of doctors, but mostly, I miss the safety net that they provided for me. I have a new life now. My pain is still here, but again, there are no 're-dos '.

I am in the drivers seat now. I am forced to take control of my own destiny. No longer will pain control my life. I will control it, and I will do it on my own.