already today my body has become my enemy

Today is my little sister's birthday. Happy 43rd B day Pennie.I love my family and I know they love me. A little understanding would go a long way. It is 6:42 am. Mikaela just left on the school bus. Sean is with his Mom. Already today my body has become my enemy. Some days are worse than others, and I have not paced my self enough lately. I have been enjoying my grandson's football games too much. I have had to miss the last two and a practice scrimmage. The pain bothers me all night long every night, all day every day. No position is comfortable. I keep moving and trying to position  my body so it wont hurt so badly. The alarm goes off, I wasn't asleep but it still surprises me. When I stand PAIN! My feet hurt so bad, andit just goes on up my body like a tidal wave. Sometimes it takes my breath away, and it brings tears to my eyes. I try hard not to let any one see me when it is this bad. Just my husband. Some days are worse and this day is worse. I just keep moving, walking praying my musles and joints will loosen up enough for me to enjoy the morning with my Grandaughter. I want to take my muscle relaxer and a valium when she leaves, but can't I need to go to the store later. I wish I could draw. Words cannot describe what I feel, it is called fybomyalgiaq or polymyalgia. What ever name it is given it has had me in its grip since 1987. I also have C6,7, T2, L3,4,5, and S1 nueropathy. I also have Osteoarthritis, and Osteopennia. My neck and my lower back "go out" on me several times a day. I can be sipping tea, or reading, and the wrong turn of my head or shifting of body weight, Whatever! Sometimes I don't know what causes it. What would be nothing for the majority of people will send pain like burning hot lava through my neck and shoulders and make me think my head is going to fall off like a barbie dolls and hit the floor. It takes me by surprise I may make a soft grunt or moan. They teach you in the pain clinic that no one wants to hear you moan or complaining. Then of course the neck pain ping pongs off the trigger points and I am hurting worse than before. The pain has control, I am exhausted, my whole body hurts, even my eyes feel dry and gritty. It feels as if my bones are cutting through my muscles, tendons and skin. It feels as if I am metamorphasing, my muscles can no longer support my bones and are melting away. I feel I am turning into something ugly, I don't want to go out unless I absolutely have too. My head is so heavy it is hard to continue to write this. My vertebrae is tearing through my skin and so are my shoulder blades. It hurts and I am so tired of this PAIN second after second, minute after minute, hour after hour, week after week, year after year. Twenty one years! I cannot keep up with housework, especially since the grandkids are living with us now They are eight and nine. The rare visitor probaly think me lazy. i see the looks I get. I am not lazy. I am sisabled  (ugly word). I worked full time on the nigh shift as Nursing Assistant and also got my liscense as a Respiratory Care Pratitioner, raised two boys and had a husband with Cluster headpain. I did all of this at the same time. I was strong, the busier I was the more I loved it, except the part when my husband was so sick. I say this to people who don't have Acute Chronic Pain; Do not judge me. I may look normal enough if you don't look close. But know this you are fortunate. I am in constant, unending, unrelenting PAIN. It rules my life, my families life. It seems I am only existing at times. My empathy and prayers to all of you who suffer as I do. Trying to get pain meds or anything that might help from my doctors is like trying to get blood from a turnip.

Sandy D.