My husband says I am weak minded, I shouldn't give into the Pain

Thank you for writing. It helps just knowing someone read my post and let me know they care. You are right, I just realized! It is a form of abuse. We are stuck with each other. Our home was paid for but in 2004 right before Katrina on Memorial day A lot of KY and WV was flooded. Our home was flooded. It was split level, somehow the hard rain and winds seperated the house where it was vulnerable. It rained that whole year seems like. Any way June 22nd our home burned to the ground , I was trapped upstairs. My son and nephew broke the wooden fence around the deck to our pool which led to our bedroom which was where I was trapped. I escaped with some irratated lungs and amber burns. Nothing serious. We lost everything. Nothing but what we had on. He wasn't home. We had to have a home built. Please feel free to contact me and maybe we can give each other some tips. You have a very compasionate husband. I am not making excuses for mine. He can be a bully. He is a Fire Chief.  He had a very loud and angry mother with eight children. My parents were loving and my two brothers , one older, one younger and our baby sister eight years younger than me, were blessed. I never heard them raise thier voice to each other or any of us. i never even heard them say a cuss word. I was way out of element when we married. But he had warned me of his Mom. He and I are completely different people than what we were. We finished each others sentences. I would be thinking of something and he would come in and make a comment on what I had been thinking about. My younger brother was severely injured in a coal ming accident in 1984. He became addicted to pain medication. Back then the Doctors were not as hesitant to precribe pain medication as they are today. We were each others best friend. I miss that man. I miss me too. I was a professional with a career that I loved. To be a job is something that has to be done. I worked at a few of those. That's why when he became so ill, I knew I needed more education. After three years I recieved my liscense as a Respiratory Care Pratitioner or a Cardiopulmanologist. At some hospitals they gave you different title. Basicly the same. ER Trauma, ICU, High risk deliveries, or preemies. I worked midnights. There was the routine work also, breathing treatment, Patient education, oxygen therapy. Pulmonary Functions. etc. When I worked and he was able to do so, he did help with all the house work. He tells me all the time that "if didn't stay on to me " I'd be a druggie like my brother." I do confront him and throw it in his face how different he treats me and how I treated him. He said " You always come up with some kind of Excuse".

well I have to say u have been thru hell and back!  I am so sorry about your home, that has always been a nightmare of mine, I cannnot imagine how devestating that must be, but thank God u were all right.

  So obviously youtr husbands attitude not only comes from his job but his upbringing. Mine came from 10 kids, they were always fighting, some do not talk to this day, very sad. I always thought having a big family would be great, I have only 1 brother, but once I married into one I realized how lucky I was!

  As far as your husbands comments about your becoming addicted like your brother, well my youngest brother in law from age 16 was a drug fiend, hardcore herion junkie, but just about everything else along w it. For the first 2o yrs., of our marriage he was in jail almost 90% of the time, he was the yougest, the 7th son of a 7th son, so there is an old saying about that, they are just plain no good. For the last few years, he dies 10 years ago, not from drugs, he just did enough to stay straight, livied w my mother in law all his life, and in all honesty my husband was the only one that could cxontrol him, and cared about him, so he would do absolutely anything for my kids and me, and all the others thought I was insane to allow him around, some of them w young daughters swore he would rape them if left alone!!! At times he was very violent, and because of that my husband always hated drugs, and now it turns out I am addicted over 4 years to  tons of pain pills. I had to detox twice and it was not pretty, I thought he would hate it and me for becoming like I am but just the opposite, I guess because he knows the amount of pain I live in. His brother was by choice.

  You never said what is exactly wrong w you. I know u can at least function and get out which is a great thing, I wish I could!

  I would totally ignore your husband regarding the pain meds, if u feel u need them, shame on him, so get a script and stash them somewhere, would't u be shocked if they helped and u actually felt better?

  I am verry slow, and don't know if I mentioned in my list of diseases-LOL, I also have a tumor behind my left retina and am 3/4 blind in 1 ryr and have cateract in other,so what used to take me an hour to make now takes me maybe 4-5, so I don't pump out the work like I used to.

 Take care of you, and go get some pain meds.

Anna

Dear Anna, Sounds like you're living through your own hell too. Thank you for being so concerned.My problems were triggered by a fall I had down a flight of stairs at work in 87'. I looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame. My neck and "wing " (as my youngest son calls it) on the left side was grossly swollen and bruised. My left hip and buttock area was also bruised and swollen. It took two years of different dr's and Psych's to finally get to the cause of my pain. I had an upslip of the pelvic and sacariliac joints. It has same symptoms of ruptured disc, but sense "they" couldn't find a ruptured disc it was all in my head. My wing and shouder and neck area was torn and has internal scarring that never lets up on the pain. It is hard for me to do anything over fifteen minutes. Sit stand walk, whatever. Of course the right side of back hurts because it is being forced to function in a different motion that was natural.

I finally ended up at a Pain Clinic/Rehab for four weeks, NO PAIN MEDS was thier motto. But they did find out what was causing all the leg and lower back pain. I had been too ashamed to tell any of the other doc's that I hurt in front too. They already didn't belive me. One doc told me that in his experiance most workers comp cases didn't heal fast. He ordered an EEG (thats where they put the long thin needles into the nerve endings) on my lower back, I asked him to do it on my upper back & neck. He said that the test would prove I was malingering. I was so shocked! I had the test done and got the results, I had my husband accompany me to get them. The doc was so totally different with me. The tests showed I had C6, C7, T2, L3,L4,L5, and SI, radiculopathy. I got my records from him and never saw him again. Any way at the rehab place they discovered my left leg was somewhat shorter than the other. After a lot of head scratching and conferences and tests on me they told me that when I fell I had landed on the left buttock and side and gave myself a very serious whiplash of my neck. Also the pelvic and SI, was out of place which had caused my body to build scar tissue around it to hold it in place, which had caused the leg to shorten. I worked hard to get to go back to work. I finally felt I was ready. I had been awarded Disabled Social Security. I gave it up to go back to work. In 92 I was kicked by a patient in the lower right side of my body. The next morning she got me again. Although I had a witnesses who could represent me for the Union and I verbally told my boss and the day shift workers during Report it didn't matter. That happened on Thursday night and Friday morning. Sometime Sunday day i started vomitting. I was in worse pain that labour. To make a long story short I ended up going to Emergency Surgery Tuesday night. My kidneys were failing. My right ureter (the thin tube that drains urine from the kidney to the bladder) was kinked. So now any time now I will probably have to have the right kidney removed. Its making it by setting my alarm for every two hours and drinking 8 ounces of water. Not during the night but if i get up I should drink some. That is another source of chronic pain.  My blood pressure is high. I am starting to get headaches now too. In the part of KY where I live is very rural. We are about 20 minutes from Pikeville KY and fifteen minutes from Williamson WV. All we have are coal mines, banks, lawyers and hospitals. Oh yeah, gas stations and fast food places. Any how, the abuse of prescription drugs is very high. The local law enforement on any side of the Tug River ; KY and WV , Ohio and VA are arresting any body caught dr shopping. (Going to different dr's and getting the same meds.) Instead of going after the big time dealers of street drugs, I don't know the name of them, but i'm sure cocaine is one of them. instead they are targeting what I feel would probably be innocent  people if they had not been set up. For one; A man in his late sixties was asked for a pain pill by a visitor to his son's house. The visitor (undercover cop) asked if he could buy some pills. The man said no he didn't know his son's business. The visitor assured the man that he came there often and bought prescription pain pills. Finally the man said he guessed it would probably be alright but he was only going to get him one pill, in case his son didn't want to sell. They arrested the man, found him guilty and sentenced him to five years!

I know I got off track there. I had to take several breaks while writing this. After the kidney thing  I returned to work after I had got some strength back. But eventually I had to retire. I just couldn't work full speed ahead as I had done. I was in too much pain and I was afraid I would make a mistake and accidentally cause harm to one of my patients. That was a hard decision to make. I really, really loved my work and my patients. A lot of time you would get a patient from first diagnosis to death. The years in between you get attached to them and their families. I hate to admit it but the first thing I look at in the daily paper is the obits. I've been off work so long now I don't recognize very many names now. I don't like to talk on the phone, not even answer it most of the time. I have always love to write. Poems, short stories for my kids whatever interested me enough. i want to thank you again and God bless you and your husband.

Sandy

Oh this is too much!! I cannot believe how similiar e are! I also look like the hunchback. I also drop on a 75 degree angle to the left both shoulders and hips,  and my left leg is 13/4" shorter!!!! U never told me how old u r.

  I still cannot believe you cannot get any kind of pain meds. It is bad here, you can buy anything u want on the street, but if they catch u with one pill that is not in a script bottle it is all over! Right now they are trying to pass leagalized marijuana. That is such a jike to me, if they went after the drunk drivers like they go after pot smokers there would not be 1/2 the dead people there are. Did u ever read of someone who took a hit of pot killing someone in a drunken rage, or a hit and run?  Breast cancer runs in my and hubbies fam., when his sister had her 1st masectomy she went to NY to get script pot, what they did to it with chemicals was terrible, it did nothing for her, then after her other masec., she was on so many pain pills u could not keep track. That is one thing here, they pass out pain meds like m and m's!  I can't believe how strict they r there, and that poor old man, I think it should be against the law to set up people like that, it is sinful.

  I also have had kidney problems my entire life, I have 2 on my left side and 1 on the right, the left barely works and I get constant infections.

   I will keep you in my prayers, I think we both need all the help we can get. Today was a very bad day for me, it was snowing and the pain was like 10++++, I think I cried 1/2 the day just out of disgust. When I get this bad I think of my 6 yr. old g-daughter who is terminal. I think of my son and all the pain he is suffering and I feel blessed in comparrison. So there is always someone sonewhere much worse off than we are.

Take care and write me whenever u want. I also am a writer and not a talker!!

Anna 

Anna, this is just too weird! I am 53, married when I was 19 had a set of twins ten and half months later. Both weighed over 10 lbs. I only brought one home though. My belief is the other was sold. That is too long a story to go into now though. Thier birthday is Feb. 1st . This time of year is bad for me emotionally. I am amazed at how simular our health problems are. I also get a lot of infections. I have to get a urine culture done every three months to stay on top of them. A simple basic urine test does not always show infections apparently, so says my Kidney doc. This whole month has been bad. My husband had a BAD Cluster Headache last night. We had all three G kids with us. My Sean, he just turned ten Dec 17 his sister Mikaela will be nine Jan 17, little Isabell who will be two Jan 25. They are so precious to me. Sean tries to be the girl's hero. He watch's out  for both of them. When Mikaela has really hurt herself she wants her brother. She wrecked her bike over the summer, hurt her ankel. Sean carried her at least 30 feet and then up eight steps into the house and sat her on the couch. Last night he and i were talking and we heard a thump and then the baby cry.  She had fell off the bed. Sean reached her before i could. He kissed and petted on her telling her it's alright. Then she came to me and I started to sing a song to her, she took her bottle out of her mouth to say "rockabye baby". I was not singing the right song apparently. I could talk about them all day.The two oldest ones are living a rough life with their Mom and her new boyfriend. They need some hard praying for to keep them safe. My son still loves her. I appreciate your concern about me. My pain level is around one hundred. i can barely think. I hope for pain free days for both of us. Just

one whole day without pain. Can you imagine that? See ya later. Sandy

Dear Deb, The best gift I recieved this year was two comments about my post. Thank you for caring. It breaks my heart that I am so happy about two strangers who care about the way I feel, and my husband, children and typically the rest of my family. My ten yeat old grandson and my nine year old grand daughter care more for me and try to help. God bless you. I think I will try to make a chart like yours so people will know what kind of day I am having. Thank you. Sandy

Hi Sandy,

I googled pain level charts and found this one that seems pretty good.  Here is the link http://www.holyredeemer.com/file.php?id=945.  This is a pdf file and you should be able to print it.  If you have trouble I will send it to you in a different way.

Hang in there.  It is hard enough to cope with pain and illness without having to cope if critisim to.  I hope this helps.

Deb

Hi Deb

Thanks! It does look good, i got it printed, no trouble. Praying for better days ahead for us all.

Sandy

Thank you Megs, it means a lot to me for your concern. I do have to pace myself in order to be funtional. I haven't been able to do that enough lately. I am in an excacerbation period of pain. It is above 10. I have a prescription for tylenol 3 three x day adn Motrin 400 mg 2x day, soma 2 x day Cylexia for depression. then i have blood pressure mes and heart meds and kidney meds. I can't think when i get this bad. It takes every thing in me to just get up and take my maintenace meds. I am dependant on my meds. i think i should be on something stronger. It dont really help, unless i take it together and on an empty stomach. if i'm lucky i might fall asleep for a couple hours. I aam still in pain, i just over medicate i guess some might call it. I don't take more than prescribed a day i just take what is prescribed all at once. On a good day i can do 30-45- minutes of house work. light housework. If he knew i took the meds for the day all at once usually at night so i can get some sleep. I would never hear the end of it.I see my doc the 6th. I hope he will change my medpain meds. You are right it like a second job, actuall since i no longer work and on disability, it ahould be my priority. But his health is still my #1 priority. he had a cluster headache, tuesday night and wednesday morn. i was hurting so bad i was crying, but i still got up went outside to his truck, where he keeps his meds locked up and get him a pain pill. My brother will steal our meds if he gets the chance. I"m sorry about your diagnosis of fibro. My cousin has been on meds for the rheumatoid arthritis for about three years no. She still is working though her hands are getting worse. I hope you have a caring doc and staff to takecare of you. that is so important. Thank you for writing, i really appreciate it. Sandy

Hi Rosie, I hope we are friends too, can't have too many of them. Why are men such babies? the whole world is about them and what they might need. Your hub should know about how hard it is to work with heada che. I don't know how you still work. I understand you probably have too financially of course. but i've been getting them more and more the last year or so and that on top of everything else , it just finishes me off. thank you for taking time to write me, It means so much to me that I have found this place and some of you care enough to write me. That is the best gift. You all don't knnow how much i needed some positive support from any one. I just wish i could have also gotten it from my "loved" ones. I am so sorry you are having headaches. It might be cluster, it is rare for women to get them at least that is what Dr. Diamond in Chicago told us in 1986. its probably comon for women to get them now. Praying for you to get some relief.  bye vor now, Sandy

Hi Sandy,  thank you for responding!  I am very hesitant about opening up to people that I either work with or clients about my headaches...I just get on with my job to the best of my abilitiy that day.

I love what I do, I thoroughly enjoy brightening others life, be it cleaning their homes or with my ladies letting them know how much I appreciate their hard work!  Today I had to run out and finish up a huge home that is a vacancy and I had planned on working with them as well, but sad to say my head was begging me to come home...So as soon as I was assured the girls where in place I left without complaining about my headache.

I also suffer from IBS and that too was threatening to flare up!  I live in dread of these attacks, they have (in frequently thank God!) happened when I have been on the jobsite and they can be an embarrasment!  I also suffer from incontency of both bowl and bladder and it is very inconvenient!

I have had bladder surgery to no avail and in fact the last time I had surgery they discovered that because of the surgery putting my bladder back in place they had failed to notice that my intestines were also hanging down!  and now my bowels have slipped down and are pressing into my vagina canel (sorry about my spelling and lack of medical verbage).  Needless to say not a pleasant condition.  This too has impacted my sex life with my husband due to my embarrasment of lack of control.

My husband with his heart condition and his back pain thankfully has a much lower sex drive...but I still miss our intimacy.  He is not a hugger and seemingly is just not there for me emotionally...probably a male thing.

Like you I too hang in with my marriage, I do love my husband and he does attempt to show me love and does support me in his own way.  Divorce is not really an option with me.  There was a time in my younger years I thought and several times did leave him to no avail.  He has changed a great deal from what he used to be... totally emotionally absent from me!  to where he at least now does attempt to show some love and affection for me.

So my new friend Sandy hang in there!  I will be your support when you need me too be and we shall go forth and do the best we can and in our own ways be victors over our conditions!

Rosie ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))

Hi Rosie, My new friend, that sounds good. I am so sorry you are having so many health things going on at once. I too have a multude. Some are side effects of the others. My husband thankfully has a lower sex drive too. He not a hugger either. I am. He is the only man I have ever been with and if I want to snuggle he automatically thinks he is gonna get lucky! So I withdraw from him in that way. I have the calcium deposists on the floor of my bladder and it hurts to have intercourse, sometimes worse that others. Bye fro now Rosie my friend. Sandy

Hi Sandy & Christine,  I am so sorry that you go through the pain and the isolation.  You are a survivor even though I know most days you wish you don't realize it; just the ability to continue on the human spirit that rises up even on the worst days amazes me!  I am having a better day today, and in fact am thinking about going up to see my brother and his family who lives about 2 hours from me.

It would be nice if my husband would go but like other times he prefers to stay at home.  I am blessed in that he at least does not stand in my way; it just gets lonely when I have to do things by myself...I mean isn't family getting together with each other with your family.  I know the answer of course.

I appreciate the sympathy, and it does help to know you aren't alone the pain does tend to isolate you; sometimes you feel like no one understands but of course that isn't true there are many of us in the same boat and we all have learn to make adjustments and take advantage of our good days as few as they may be.  This is the decision, "My new years resolution" you might say that I have promised myself.  To take more advantage of the good days and to not allow his isolation complex to infect me and to get out and do more stuff, to be good to me.

So take care Sandy and Christine and lets get out there and enjoy what life we do have.

Rosie

Hello Christine, Thank you for writing. I can't believe just how mean some men are! I am so sorry you were treated that way. I get so tired of my husbands patronizing comments about my fatigue and pain. Sometimes I feel like he is trying to win a competition on who has worse pain. Of course he thinks he's th winner. He knows how serious they are. He has been at my side when docs have given me bad news. I wish you well and pain free days. Sandy

Thank you for writing to me. The past week has been a bad one. I have brohchitis and all the coughing hurts. I think I may have stress fractured a rib on my rihgt side, and my lower back hurts worse than usual. He wants to live here and not have our grandchildren stay with us. I think emotionaly they need desperatly to live with us. He started in on me again tonight. He brought in an exercise bike for me to use. I already use the tread mill. I gues I do need to get healthier. Sometime I feel like I cannot put up with his mouth one more minute. I am a Christion and he deliberatly says the  GD word. He says its his house he can say what he wants to. I told him it was also my house and we needed to have respect for each others feelings. His vulgar mouth didn't shut up for about five minutes. I saw my Dr. on the 6th. I was practily in tears I was in so much pain. She said my the top of my shoulders felt like concrete. She wanted to admeit me because my heart was fluttering too from the stress. I couldn't be admitted I had too much to do for the benefit of my two oldest granchildren.  She gave me a decradon injection in my left arm. She said that at least I could get one days rest with the shot. NOT. It helped for about three hours. It's nice to talk to some one who cares enough to respond to my post. Thank you so much. Sandy

Hi Betty, I am tempted to thump him, but I don't.  Well, to be honest I have slugged hom on sholder a couple of times. I just  go to our bedroom and shut the door. Since the grand kids mom took them I have a lot of time on my hands. I like to read and write short stories, and watch scary movies. I like being by myself, it gives me time to be still and quiet. And pull myself together so I don't thump him. The fibro and chronic pain sucks the energy right out ofme. Sometimes I just wish it was over, so I could finaly be at peace and pain free. I think he has my best interest at heart deep down, because my brother is a prescription pain med addict. His son is also. My Uncle was an alcoholic and he shot his self in the head. My dads, dad hang him self. So it would seem to him that I would be prone to repeat those same actions. I am not taking uup for him. He can be mean and a bully when it comes to me taking pain meds. I am not an addict, but I am dependent on the meds. I would not be able to function at all without them. Thank you for writing. Sandy

Know that you're in my prayers for strength and courage. I'm not askingGod for patience for you, because that just invites problems your way. Have you read about the Guaifenisen Theory? It's in Wilkipedia and Google. I find Mucinex has the Guai that helps calm the screaming Fibro muscles. Also, whenever you're stressed, burn a red candle. It helps me calm myself and focus better, kindof like meditation.

Hi Betty, I have not heard of Guaifenisen Theory or Guai. I will google it and research it . Thank you for the prayers, you are in mine too. Sandy

Dear Karen, thanks for writing. No one knows about pain until they experiance it them self. He has cluster headaches, I have taken care of him without fail. I  hope

Thankyou SArea,

It was nice to hear from someone who will take time to write. My grandchildren are not with me now. Thier Mom (my ex daughtet n law) took Sean (9) out of the hospital, he had pneumonia, and picked up Mikaela (8) from school and left with them. Today 2-16 is my youngest son's BD, he is 29. I spent the whole day in bed. Body pain, joint pain, headache and the list goes on. I thank you for writing me and sharing your view of things. Sometimes it takes a neutral person to see what is really going on. I am up now, he's in bed asleep. He surprised me with Valentine presents. One was a card and it said(I'm paraphraising) There are no words yet to describe how much I love you. I had such a bad headache to day, I know it's from worrying about the GK. Sean's Mom said she would be admitting him in an Evaluaton Psycological Center for this week. There is nothing wrong with him, he just wants to come home to us. He and Mikaela have lived with us since she was two weeks old and thier dad lived behind us, so Sean stayed with his Dad or us. We live on a homestead farm. My younger brother and his son, My only sister and her husband, my Dad, the neighbors across the road; they could run free and dig for "dinasour" eggs & crawl daddies. My nephew took then fishing in the creek. Everybody played with them. They both could use the computer at three & four. My opinion is he thinks if he is mean enough she will let them come back to us. Instead she is trying to ge some kind of disability check for him. She says the doc told her he was bipolar. He and his Sis are homesick. The stress overwhemed me today, I just couldn/ function at all. I am sorry for ranting about them. My husbanc said they could come here if they behaved. I told hime it might take a month or so to get them out of bad habits. Thank you, if you pray please do so for them. God knows who they are and what they need. I t sounds like you have a lot of pain and stress too. I am glad your husband is patient.  Sandld

Dear Sandy,

I've been through what you have although my ex-husband hadn't experienced the level of pain that I'd had.  He still had no compassion for me and said that I was ruining his life.  When I reached the point of praying for God to take me, I finally reached the point of deciding I could no longer stay in the marriage.  I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, Gastroparesis, Fibromyalgia, and a host of other illnesses.  I had acute pancreatitis over the summer and that's the worst thing I've ever lived through.  My husband and I are separated but good friends.  In time, perhaps we'll move back in together.  In the meantime, he's my caregiver and healthcare surrogate.  Beyond him, I don't have much of a support system.  My son's mother-in-law, Debbie, is beginning to get involved because, for reasons I may never understand, my son will not help me and is a pathological liar and uses his lies to justify why he won't help.  He's poisoned his wife against me to some degree and Debbie is very angry about it. Debbie's husband is a pathological liar as well so Debbie is well-versed in catching liars in the act.  In the meantime, I live alone and am basically housebound.  In Infectious Disease doctor mistreated my case when I caught MRSA from a local hospital and had been exposed to Pseudomonas as well.  Now, I am permanently colonized and can't be treated for either the RA or the Lupus because they are immune supressant medications.  So, if it weren't for my husband, I wouldn't see anyone for a week at a time or more.  I have friends, but they work and don't have much time to visit. However, my life is peaceful and that is such a great blessing.  I don't have someone yelling at me because he has his own fears and can't cope with my illnesses.  My heart grieves for you.  You need peace and my peace comes from the Lord.  I will pray for your family and we did pray for you and your husband this morning.

SAyrea

Thank you for prayers. I pray and lay my troubles at Jesus' feet, but I'm real bad at picking them back up. Isaiah 31:13 says I'm paraphrasingthis , I'm sure I can't get just right;" I am the Lord thy God, Do not fear; I will hold your right hand and help you." Isn't that so simple and yet so powerful. Sometimes I just want to go ahead and be with Him. But I love my little grandchildren so. People just can't understand how much pain a body can be in and still look relatively normal. I am shocked when I look in a mirror sometimes, I look so normal, except if you look directly into my eyes. Of course I have an unsteady gait and limp a little more so if I am tired. My husband carries pictures of me in his wallet. They were all taken years ago, non recently. I hate pictures of me now. I am overweight, My hair is down past my rear end. I braid it and loop it into a knot in the back of my head. I look like my grandma, when she was in her eightys and I am 52. My grandkids don't believe the pics my husband has are me. He left mad at me earlier today because I am having a bad day and I said I was going t o lay back down. I feel as if I am getting flu. On top of my constant pain , which is worse I am sneezing and getting a sore throat and talking hoarse. I too am praying for you and every one who posts here that we can get some relief from this coat of pain we are wearing and for those who have no one, that they will find some one who care for them and be a friend. Thank you sandy