I've had chronic pain for seven years. I also have cerebral palsy, osteoporosis, a spinal curvature (30% lung capacity), a dislocated hip and a surgically removed hip...this surgically removed hip is behind much of my chronic pain. I take morphine and a few natural remedies and they help, but I have never been the same since this ugliness came into my life, not physically and emotionally...the "emotional component concerns me deeply. I have been obsessing about suicide for years, a topic that used to terrify me. It still does, but I am now feeling that I would be better off dead and that talking to professionals about how I feel is useless. I was recently escorted by my Rehab Centre psychologist to Psychiatric Emergency, only to be told I didn't sound desperate enough, it didn't look like I had reached rock bottom. At one point, the psych resident snapped at me: "Pull yourself up, because I can't do it for you!" I was sent home with a mental health crisis team, but have not contacted them since.

Among other stressors I have faced since last November has been loss of a beloved pet, a forced move for medical reasons, constant itching, life-threatening surgery and fights and threats of eviction from the co-op staff.

Up until now, I have taken antdepressants even though they do nothing to help my psychological state...I have watched my depression grow worse since moving to a new home. In the past month, I've gone off my antidepressants altogether. In a last ditch effort to become less suicidally obsessed, I went off my morphine for three days. (Two previous psychiatrists had warned me to stay off of or get off morphine as it affects the nature of the depression. The psychiatrists ditched me when I wouldn't go along with this. Given my lousy medical history and my limited options, morphine is the only real weapon against the pain I have aside from natural remedies. I am back on morphine, but doing lousy....the suicidal ideation is rapidly getting worse.) I hate the idea of suicide passionately and am terrified of death, but I am desperate for a way out of my misery, especially my psychiatric burdens. I am terrified of the rest of my life with this. I see methods to take my life all over the place and am bombarded by graphic thoughts of death unless I deliberately focus my mind elsewhere....I can't even lower my guard for five minutes.

I have much more to say, but am badly overwhelmed. I do not want to hurt my family via a suicide, but I can think of not much else.