When you spoke of a failing marriage and being alone with your cat who understands more than most people, I know exactly how you are feeling. I too was in an auto accident that was not my fault that ended my career and life as I knew it. Money is over rated except for paying the bills so I would give it all back to have my health back again.
My cat also seems to know when I am hurting most and sits with me and even sits on my right foot which is where all the damage started that prevented me from walking for over 2 1/2yrs. I have RSD; it is simply called the most painful chronic pain condition known to man. It is nerve damage where the brain is mis-firing and sending the wrong signals to my body saying I'm in pain that I shouldn't be in from what was originally a sprained ankle (I thought I had a very badly broken right foot for over 3mos) and now it has spread up my right leg and into my right hip in the past 9 +yrs.
I have given up on relationships with men but I have found good friends that do help me. Have you ever joined a support group for your chronic pain? I find that is a place where others do understand and I've met a few great friends there that I will have for life.
I have also decided that since I can't beat this pain, I will deal with it as best as possible and using Mind Over Matter instead of alcohol is so much better and I promise you after some time passes doing this it will work. You can convince your brain that your pain is not as bad as it really is. A lot of prayer doesn't hurt either.
I refuse pain med increases as I don't want to feel "high" the rest of my life either. I find that more pills does not equal less pain. I live on what I absolutely have to have and try to not even take all that I am prescribed as I am in fear of my own medications.
You mentioned shallow breathing; I'm on Oxycontin and that is one of the many side effects that I hate. The doctors have tried to increase my Oxycontin many times now over the years but I have refused any increases. I can't tell them that I have a stash of meds to protect myself in case they close due to a bad doctor or a drug seeking patient among the fact that I only take what I have to take.
I used to be in such despair and depression. I did not appreciate even the monies awarded to me in the lawsuit that paid for a home, paid off my car, and now I have annuities that give me enough to pay the bills and live. I used to hate it but now I have realized how blessed I am.
You are in an opposite situation when it comes to money but the main thing is you have a roof over your head; not that you keep a home that you may no longer be able to afford. Home is where the heart is anyway.
Please try to go for a more positive outlook on life WITH pain. I know that sounds so crazy but it really does work if you turn it all around on even yourself and others. I know you hurt 24/7 every single day just as I do. Please try to get some mental help for PTSD (which I also suffer from) and dealing with the pain. It will only help you gain balance again to your life.
I agree that therapy can be good .. unfortunately the outside issues , like paying rent/mortgage , bills, food and anything else is important to ones emotional well being ..
I also enjoyed a good life .. unforune incidents occur that can swipe the safety net out from under your feet .. therapy has helped me remain focued , but it doesn't pay my bills .. so week after week , I go to therapy , the main cause of my anxiety is money ..
If I had a paid for home, bills and money o psare would I benefit , absolutely .. would it take away my 24/7 pain, MS , depression .. nope , but it certainly would make it easier to survive ..
While I agree that therapy helps me stayed focus to keep my anxiety down, and helps me to realize that I can survive day to day .. it definately does not take away the emotional pain of being alone , having "just enough" to eat, or inspire me to make friends as , truthfully, most people view you as a "loser" ..
Sad, but true , you are viewed as someone no one wants to hang with because you simply cannot afford to ... I have tried , and found how much that in itself causes a person to just want to not go or do anything ..
I have my dogs, my online buddies , a few distant friends that I no longer discuss my situation as to be viewed as a compulsive whiner .. and I try each day to overcome this feeling, and I know I am not alone .. so many people are in my position ..
Too young to be in my position yet too old to pretend things are great, and life is wonderful ... wish I could sound more cheerful, but when my marriage failed , it was the end of the world as I knew it .. the one person who I thought through sickness and health was going to be there .. the one element in my life that got me motivated , kept me grounded , just up and left .. and I am not one of those type that enjoy the loniness, emptiness ..
So therapy , absolutely , learning to love yourself is wonderful , and I have come a long way to relearn that I will not be that same person, and it took 7 years for me to accept my situation, but when you add having no money for even a matinee , or luncheon .. it hurts ..
There are no easy answers , but as I post and share , I find that my tensions are eased , as I learn to accept and forgive , I can enjoy the simple things .. and maybe one day as I get out to the stores to so just my shopping, or take that walk or stroll through the park , I will find that peace , or maybe meet someone who will see me for me, and not what I can "bring to the table" ..
If I sound mixed , I am , as one's esteem has already been chipped away by the doctors who doubt you, your friends who turn away from you and a spouse that just wants to be active .. and you cannot be all that to all people anymore , really does , at times, become overwhelming ..
So, get help , sure, get involved , absolutely , but again, when your funds are limited , it can be harder .. much harder than just getting therapy ... so good luck Chip , i totally understand what you are feeling , and it is a hard blow to be broke and left on your own to "cope" .. get therapy , and maybe you will at least feel good about life .. and keep your chin up , less you miss the "natural beauty" that oftens makes me smile , anyway ..
It is hard to lose the one you love, it is hard to be happy when you are not , but with therapy , maybe you can change some of that , turn it around and learn to love yourself , accept yourself .. and as my therapist tells me , things may turn around ...
Chip,
I think you sound so much like so many I've talked to and even myself as I had no income at all for almost 3yrs which is nothing compared to what you have gone through and I will pray that somehow you are at the very least given what you need. If I were rich, I would give you money as it is so not important to me in the least when it comes to my own health. Happiness has never been attained by money to me in my entire life; my career and life itself was and so was my own marriage.
I was with a man who proved to me after I took care of him when he had a major heart attack and had to have triple by-pass surgery. I took care of him when he was down and even with the possibility he would not make it as he didn't do so well for a long time afterwards. 3yrs later I get into my own auto accident and lost so much but I always thought he would stay. I was so very wrong.
I thought his love for me was more than who I was but in marriage thinking of at any time who you could become if you do get ill or injured. It is unconceiveable to me why a person that you felt loved you; truly loved you could leave when you are at your lowest point in life but they do.
Your tone does not surprise me nor does it make me feel something I know you don't want; pity. I do not see you as a loser in life at all. I see you as a man trying to struggle to even begin to regain some of what you have lost as a man and just a human being with feelings.
I was "the loser" at one time in my own mind. I thought after the marriage that if the one person I thought loved me more than anyone but my Mom could leave me, who the Hell would ever want me again like this? I have tried out a couple of relationships since I have been able to adjust my own mindset about life and lving with this awful pain but even that I have found very difficult to have any understanding. I lost one guy I really liked in a short time because he read up on it (which made me feel he cared) only to say he was afraid he would lose me and I would die before him. Only God knows these things and he could die before me.
I've decided in the relationship department that when it is time and the right person comes along, I will know it and I will know the person well before I make any commitments. Until then, I don't look but do get out enough that if someone I ended up meeting could turn into a friend to begin with, I could consider it again but only with understanding and compassion; not pity.
I do know I need someone to take care of me. Take care of me the way I took care of my husband after triple by-pass that left him disabled. I don't blame you for bittnerness and no excuse needed.
I know that bitterness over losing way too much. Pain and the problems that caused it have been a tremendous burden on my entire life and I have only in the past 2 years begun to be able to even say; "I'm Living With It" and mean it.
I too thought of suicide and had never done so in my life. The fact that something devastating with other things that made it worse happen in your life has already happened.
You can't change the past. All you can hopefully change is what you can handle in this life and the strength to get there is not easy to come by. I know...
I hope that Medicare/Medicaid patients (I have only Medicare) will finally pay for mental treatment but they do not yet. It should be manditory as your mental side totally effects your physical being and even pain to a large degree.
I pay $500 a month for ONE of my 5 monthly medications because my insurance company doesn't pay but only a certain amount until May of every year and I get stuck with that and I can only say I'm blessed to be able to afford it and get extremely angry thinking of the people that can not and need certain meds to live or function.
Even though I may now be in a bit different place, I've been where you are too and my prayers are with you,
Rhonda
Sorry as I addressed Ardian as Chip.
That was a mental typo; I apologize
Hey, Rhonda .. no worries .. I too , had a spouse that after many years thru all the difficult times he was having stepped up to the plate .. and also my family , save one, has their "own" issues to deal with .. as for mom, well she is very self-absorbed and while she says one thing she totally acts different and I chose to no longer have them in my life ..
Through therapy I am learning to stand on my own, and learn to grive for myself , and getting to accept the "new" me .. learning to embrace my "pain" , both mentally and physically is not easy , and there are times when I have days that I cry ..
That is when I give them to Christ, as I was always told that God gives us no more than we can handle .. so I have learned to just relax and say , Take these burdens from me, give me guidance , and whether it is this or the fact that I am just listening to my breathing that I feel my chest loosen , and my spirit lighten ..
My feeling is I can deal with what pain I live in, I can learn to love me again .. and it is only when confronted by all the outside situations that I get anxious , then I hurt more , and the cycle continues .. so therapy is teaching me to end that ..
And with acceptance, there comes forgivness , through that I am able to handle all the letters of foreclosure and deal with the banks .. letting my "pride" go and accepting what opportunities do come my way ..
I don't know Eric , my response was to the poster , and I was just confused and perhaps filled a bit with envy .. for as you , if I had money , and a great income , I too , would help .. as it really doesn't mean as much as health , but it certainly helps ..
So, I kinda wrote my reply in a state of , for a lack of a better term , "confusion" , and was trying to tell Eric , that therapy can help you , but only if you are willing, and that it can only do so much .. the rest is up to us ...
For the original poster , I apologize if I came off as I did , it sorta sounded to as if "our" pain, was less , our struggles over relationship and money , were nothing compared to those who have the ability to rest easy in knowing that at least you don't have to hear that knock at the door , or be able to buy food, decide whether which bill you can afford this month ..
All those stressors, especially , losing your life partner do have a reat impact on a persons well being .. and Eric , there are many out there in your position, of feelings of betrayall, and hurt and the uncertaintly .. face it at any age it is difficult .. but when you have worked so hard most of your adult life , only to find yourself alone, broke and struggling .. the pain does feel worse ...
Mind, body and spirit .. when one is lacking or "sick" , the other two can fall prey to it .. a balance is what we strive for .. that's all .. and I am secure in the knowlegde that I am no longer afraid of "failure" , as that is how I deemed my whole life .. "faliure" , but no more .. no matter where I end up , I will be happier without all the burdens that add that pressure ...
Hope I have explained myself better ... agserra
and meas culpa , as I addressed Chip as "Eric" .. losing my marbles .. again Rhonda , I do apologize for my confusing reply .. I know you menat well, and I just misread it .. and also good luck to Chip .. as no one wants to feel alone , and that "lonliness" is a so very difficult ,, when you are in pain as well ... peace ...
That's okay. I understand why anyone who is going without the means to pay the bills or falling on hard times both physically and mentally feel along with losing a spouse in your life all at the same time.
I totally agree with all you said about God and that is how I have also learned how to live my life. I had all those experiences but through Christ I have forgiven, found a "me" I can love WITH pain every day. I no longer feel the need that I have to have someone else to "fill up my life" and feel that when God believes it is ready and so am I, that I might meet a wonderful man one day; perhaps...
I appreciate your reply and hope all is well with you.
Keep in touch,
Rhonda