When is the right time ?

Well, well is it the right time to slow down and respect your self dignity .. when is it the right time to just stop and live what life you have left ?

People I have met often just don't get why I have seemed to just stopped with the worries about my pain , and how I can do this or that ... well, it was pretty difficult , really ...

Therapy of course helped ease me into just letting go and forging some kind of life for myself .. as I do this I am finding that I also am just about finished with offering advice .. as everything else in life , it tends to just fall on deaf ears ...

There is something to say for those of us who just accept our situation, of course we are always hopeful that a miracle could happen , but the continual covering of the same ground over and over gets tedious ...

Now I sound like those people who say, " Just get over it" , but hey ? this is how it is .. and no matter ow much I cry, worry, panic , shout and get angry when I don't get the answer I am seeking , it boils down to accepting the fact that none of the aforementioned is going to change a thing ..

If people want honesty , okay .. honesty is telling people what you need .. I need peace , peace from talking about pain, how awful things are , how bad the doctors act , all that ... go away !

So sure, I have pain, some days worse than others , but it's mine , I own it , I live it and I choose to just get over it .. no one can fix it , no amount of drugs can make it go away forever .. so I accept it and I deal with it and I am determined to live a life ..

Turning 52 in a few months and all I have to show for the past few years is wear and tear on my soul .. punishing mysellf, punishing doctors , punishing family and people around me .. for what purpose ?

I want to be happy, smile and enjoy others again, I choose to .. and I will and only I can do it , only I can determine how much I have to put up with in order to have a life .. just as I chose the other path of crying, worrying and punishing ..

Well, that was on my mind , and so now it is on this page .. for all to see and read .. no more miracles , no more crying about how horrible I feel or how terrible I am treated .. I choose to just let it go ..

So I take my meds , take my rests and work my butt off in order to have a life that helps me feel human once more .. helps me feel alive , like I am useful .. I may not be able to hold a job , but I certainly can do what I feel like doing .. so I choose to garden til the sun begins to warm my skin and bones , I choose to wash my car myself and splash in the suds even though I know that the pain will increase ..

I will not go gently into that good night , no , not me .. agserra