On this journey

 Betty,  Thanks for the welcome.  I wasn't sure if I would get a reply or what to expect with the sharing of my faith with this part of my life.  But, He's my life.  If it wasn't for my relationship with Christ I would have given up on life.  At one time I had.

I got away of my time with Him and got my eyes on the circumstances but in His infinite mercy picked me up and got me back on course.  I think looking back now that I've been ill for some time with depression and has worsened over time with the stresses of life and the pain that comes with it.  I've had other symptons that have come along side it since then.  At the time it came I was tending the care of my parents.  My dad was a retired military Air Force man and my mom was a stay at home mom along his side.  About 2005, mom's health starting going down.  She had some surgeries with CHF that just took its toll.  I was her caregiver and before we knew she left us in 10/06.  During this time I was working, for a private Christian School where I had put our son to go to school.  I had homeschooled him till 3rd grade and decided to go for the Kingdom Education route and ended working there to help with the monies to put  him through.  He was along my side during all this.  He is now 12, Gideon.  He helped me alot to with mom and dad as so did my husband.  I could'nt have done it without them.  My dad passed not to long after mom.  He too had some health issues in the end.  But  he didn't care much for doctors but his loneliness for mom brought his life to and end with some  health problems but I think it was more his missing her that brought on his death.  We buried him 03/07.  Between them I also had to put to sleep my dog who I had since 92.   Both parents we stopped all care and let them go.  I had somehow managed through working for the school, keeping my home,  and everything else grandboys, to function and do all that I did.  I know it was the grace of God.  My health has worsened since then  I'm unable to do the things I use to do.  I have to choose what I can do and not do.  I do still play softball and bowl though there are times like in the league time, it takes everything in me to get through.  I try to keep moving and I'm about to have to go back to work.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to continue.  I teach P.E. to Pre-K and K. and 5th and 6th grade boys, monitor lunches and safety patrol.  I don't know how much longer I will be able to do these things.  Only time will tell.  I truly rely on the Lord daily through the year and I look to Him to sustain me daily and for His endurance to bear this.  I  have two grandsons too, 3 and 5 who are in the middle of a mess with my daughter.  She's a good mom, works hard but her current lifestyle their caught in the middle of.  I do my best with them who we have over alot.  My other daughter, she's 25 and drinks alot who I think is medicating herself.  Proably struggles with depression?  They have both have been reasons I too pray much.  They have brought alot of pain as a mom.  Since they were young. But I keep bringing them before the Lord.  Don't have the bond I'd like to have.  Maybe down the road.  I have a sister, Sandra, 41 and a brother, Anthony 50.  They both struggle too with mental health and other ailments.  I believe to the way we were raised had alot to do with it, not just genetive prediposition.  We proably have been struggling with this for years.  I have tried to put my finger on this in my life if this is the culprit of these other ailments but the medicines, antidepressants I don't like.  The doctor told me when I get to where I can't take it anymore I will take them. 

I don't know I don't like how it makes me feel.  He told me I needed to give it two weeks.   I will see.  I wonder at times what I should do?  God give me wisdom.  I know He uses medicine.  I just don't like the effects of alot of it.  It's scary at times.  God help me.  I just so rely on God to instruct me.  I will wait before Him.  He will answer me.   Wow, Betty you too know what I'm talking about.  I remember my mom telling me what good was she in the end of her life in her condition.  I told her not to believe that lie.  That she still mattered because God created her and it wasn't based on what she could do or not do.  But one thing she could do, is  PRAY.  Pray for those in her condition, who to feel this way and for however God directs as you are before Him in your days with your condition.  I told her this was the most important she could do.  As I sit here typing this I'm saying this to myself.  I can relate to others and have compassion because I know the anguish and need for understanding and help.  Just remember you have a High Priest who is interceding for you right now and me.  He will bring us through.  Meanwhiles we must press on in prayer and His love.  This has been a real test for me of my faith.  Wether I would remain faithful to Christ with what's on my plate and overcome with good and love.  Despite the pain and hurt.  Because He did I know I too must.  I have wrestled with this.  God has been so patient and gracious with me.  When I haven't been.  Lots of grace to you Betty.  Keep praying dont give up and keep loving in truth.  Your not alone.  He will never leave us nor forsake us.  May He bring comfort and rest to your soul and body.  I'm going to go for a walk.  It has rained here alot.  I live in San Antonio.  We so needed the rain.  I need refreshing.  So I will walk with my dog and then ride my bike a little.  I'm so glad I have found a friend, you.  Bless you and yours and keep in touch.  God be near to you and me and the countless others who cry out to Him.  Have a beautiul day cause God says that over us:  "Your beautiful" .  I hope to send you song or two once the site gets that corrected.  Talk to you soon.  love, MariaElena 

Sweet Morgan, I'm so glad you replied.  I find it hard to believe you to at your young age are also having this problem with your health.  I'm just thankful not with your heart and spirit.  I don't quite understand it either.  All I know at times like today when the pain is intense just to keep trusting.  I believe I overdid it yesterday with a cleaning job I did on the side.  I volunteer for a Crisis Pregnancy Center.  I counsel every other weekend.  I kinda oversee the prayer chain too.  I haven't done to good of job with that.  But the other location we have opened on the west side needed tending to so to supplement I took it on.  I'm just not able to do what I use to.  I need to know my limits with my health and all.  Do you think it might be depression like the doctors think and want to medicate?  I know they say it can bring health problems if not tended to?  Let me know where your at as far your mental health and what it is that ails you.  What do you feel in your body?  Right now my feet hurt alot and my whole body aches and I'm weak.  I'm a female so I'm looking at hormonal issues too.  Please stay strong in the Lord.  Your walk with God is going to see you through.  Don't let anyone tell you just becauses your young, this or that or the other.  God uses the young.  May God sustains us today and the days ahead.  All I know to do is pour out my heart to Him and find strength from others who like you.  Bless you and keep in touch.    In His love, Mariaelena

         I feel horrible a majority of the time, but I don't let it get my spirit down. Sometimes I don't think that I have one part of me that is not screaming in pain. I know that God won't put me through anything that I can't handle. As far as my mental status I think that I'm OK, but I know that I could always do better. I just keep telling myself that God is putting me through these rough times, so that I can help some one else that crosses my pathway. Just because my body is not doing well, does not mean that my spirit is not doing well. I'm not going to allow my FM & CFS get in the way of God's will for my life. I plan to go to a Baptist college in Kentucky. Then find the man that God has for me, get married and go to the mission field. But no matter how strong I think that I am FAITH is hard to have. Thats why it's called faith.

          My hope is that I can at least be an encouragement to you and others on this site. I will be praying for you.

                                                   Wishes of good health ...

                                                          Morgan.

Good to hear back from you.  Yeah, I know that  the pain can be  intense at times.  I only wish it lets up on you.  I continue to pray over myself and do as you do try to help others to not lose hope.  It helps me to know Im not alone and not going crazy.  Are you on any medications other than iburpofren for pain ?  I've tried some things with no luck.  Yeah, I can see you with a soulmate in the mission field.  It won't be easy though with you illness. Let's continue to believe God for His healing touch and  speak His Word over us.  I was crying out to Him today that I need Him to work this all out or bring a remedy.  The evil one wants to take me out and I will not lose my faith.  That's what he is after.  Stay in touch with me and let's help each other get through this.  Morgan, I love your tenacity and passion for the Lord.  Bless you and thank you for your encouragement and support.  Lord watch o ver my friend and be with the many countless others crying out to You for relief and just You O'God to be near........................ In Christ name.