I have been going too many years without it and too many with it ( pain) My husband is very understanding he knows that I miss it as much as he does but the pain is too much and it cuts his inspiration. At 66 I want to say I don't need it not true . We cuddle and kiss a lot. I can't remember the last time. Just hugging brings pain too often I HATE THAT LIFE.
Me
When one person in a relationship decides that he or she no longer wishes to engage in normal sexual relations and the other person still has desires and needs, I believe it's important for the no longer avtive partner to satisfy the other in whatever way is acceptable.
While sexual intercourse may generally be the most pleasurable way to satisfy both partners, the inactive one can still provide pleasure to the other using his or her hand and, if acceptable to both. oral sex.
Completely stopping all sexual contact just because one partner decides he or she is no longer interested or has medical problems (such as chronic pain) that precludes intercourse can seriously endanger an otherwise good relationship.
While individual masturbation can relieve the pressure and is somewhat pleasurable for most people, having another person involved generally increases the pleasure and can be a good substitute for intercourse.
The body doesn't respond differently as to how orgasm is achieved so the endorphins and other benefits will still be realized.
Thank you for bringing up some very good points. Part of being in a loving, caring relationship is a reciprocal fulfullment of each others needs, wants, and desires. Masturbation is a viable outlet, but it really does not fulfill the life-sustaining need for human-to-human contact. It does take two to tango!
Dr. Christina Lasich, MD
My wife (we are 68) is in almost constant pain in her right leg -nerve end damage after a total hip replacement. I have to read the signs when her pain is bearable and she wanrs to make love-I have to be very careful and gentle that sometimes my erection disapears. To make our love life successful I take half of a CIALIS tablet (for erectile disfunction) ,and 30 mins we are able to proceed to total satisfaction!!
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006.I was only 33 years old,it was devastating.I had both breasts removed,was bald for the best part of a year,had 11 months of chemo/Herceptin and developed neuropathy in my left arm and hand.I had reconstruction but still have scars and need to get them finished.I hate to even look in the mirror anymore.I had long,dark curly hair(that I actually brushed lol),I weighed 160 but I'm 5'9 so that's my perfect weight,had used all my tanning bed visits so had a good tan,now I have short,dull and flat hair(am glad to have some though),my skin is so darn dry it's flaky and pasty white and the weight...oh my.I always assumed chemo=weight loss.Not for me!!!I now weigh 214(gulp) and am miserable.None of my clothes fit,it makes my pain worse and to top it off hubby weighs 140,I feel like an elephant on a pissant.I take Tamoxifen and Effexor so I'm not sure if those dampen my desire or if it's because I feel like Shamu.We had a very active sexlife/lovelife before I got sick and I miss it alot.We have been married 19 years and he treats me like a queen,always has.All my friends and family say I got one of the last good ones left,so I'm very blessed and I know without a doubt that he will never cheat on me.We are lucky if it's once a month now but he never complains.Guess it just boils down to if you ain't able,you just ain't able.
Hurts just to touch or hurts just to look at it; these complaints are common in those with sensitive nervous systems. How can you desensitize the alarm system? How can you reset the alarm and start enjoying one another? Start with the other senses which do not trigger the alarm. Smell: try a blindfold with various pleasing aromas. There is a lot to be said about the powers of aroma therapy. Taste: again a blindfold some fruit and chocolate, now that is romantic. Hearing: Did you listen to the music therapy in my post called Music Therapy: Sexual Healing. Music is a powerful aphrodisiac.
If you are going to work with touch, try what has worked for many therapists in treating phobias, graded exposure. If one is scared of heights, treat starts with standing on a step first, then a couple steps, then a ladder, and so on. If touch triggers pain, try a feather (the lightest touch). Or try touch in a different environment or context like the shower or hot tub. Find the least sensitive area and just start touching. Gradual, graded exposure can desensitize your nervous system, your alarm system that is doing too good a job protecting you. Time to re-introduce intimacy.
Another source of information that is recommended by Andrew Weil, MD is a book called "How to Have Magnificent Sex: Improve Your Relationship and Start to Have the Best Sex of Your Life" by Lana Holstein (Three Rivers Press, 2003).
Talk this over with your partner. This information may help you to open another chapter in your relationship.
Dr. Christina Lasich, MD
I'm in my 30's and been married 2 years. I have fibromyalgia and being investigated for Lupus at present I have multiple DVT's in my leg and being treated with heparin and warferin.
I'm in chronic pain and with the DVT's in my leg I am not sure if it is safe to try to engage in sexual activity with my husband, I know we have tried and we were not able to get a position that didn't cause intense pain. Is there a safe way for us to continue having sex or should we hold off until the DVT's are clear? This isn't something that the doctors have spoken to us about
Thank you so much for posting this article and for all the comments that have been written. I'm a 25 year old newlywed with chronic migraines and sex, whether having it or not, is a very big deal. Thank you for the suggestions on how to intimately connect with your partner and to start opening up the pleasure pathways by using baby steps, even if it doesn't necessarily end in lovemaking. There is a surprising lack of conversation about this even though there must be thousands upon thousands of people dealing with this every day.
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Being 60, sex is hard for me to talk about. Loving my husband, I have had sex when hurting and not wanting to. I am sending this article to my husband to open communication about sex and think that communication is important even when it's subject is as embarrassing as this is to me.
Karen Simon