I AM NEW TO THESE TYPES OF FORUMS. I'VE NEVER POSTED BEFORE BUT I'M DESPARATE. NEED TO FIND SOMEWHERE TO FIND OTHERS THAT LIVE WITH CONSTANT PAIN. AS PROBABLY MOST OF YOU, I COULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT HOW I GOT FROM THAT MORNING IN 1997 TO NOW, DRS. TESTS. SURGERIES, INJECTIONS, MEDS, PAIN MANAGEMENT DRS. I HAD AN INTERFECAL PUMP INSTALLED ALMOST EXACTLY A YEAR AGO. THAT IS A STORY ON IT'S OWN. NOW I HAVE FALLEN INTO A DEPRESSION SO DEEP I AM HAVING EXTREME DIFFICULTY PULLING OUT OF IT. MOST CPP'S FIGHT DEPRESSION AND IT COMES AND GOES.
LOSING MOST OF THE QUALITY OF YOUR LIFE CAN DO THAT. THIS TIME THOUGH, IT IS SCARING ME. I CAN NOT MUSTER THE STRENGTH TO PULL OUT OF IT. I AM AFRAID. I DO HAVE A WONDERFULLY SUPPORTIVE HUSBAND THAT HAS SHARED THE ENTIRE JOURNEY WITH ME. I FEEL BADLY FOR HIM, HE DESERVES SO MUCH MORE. WE WERE MARRIED ONLY
2 1/2 YEARS WHEN THIS ALL STARTED. I GO TO MY PAIN DR EVERY THIRD MONDAY AND I GO TOMORROW. AT THIS POINT I AM PLANNING ON GOING IN AND THROWING MYSELF ON THEIR MERCY. I KNOW I NEED HELP. DEPRESSION OF THIS MAGNATUDE CAN NOT END WELL.
I HAVE TRIED VARIOUS ANTIDEPRESSANTS, THE LAST WAS CYMBALTA WHICH MADE ME SO SICK I WAS THROUGHING UP EVERY DAY. THERE HAS TO BE A WAY.
do you pray? i know it sounds crazy and i am by far not a "holy roler" and would never push christianity onto anyone - but i had no where else to turn when i finally turned to god and my church. since then, i have had an even better support system - the benefit is that my family (husband and children) also have somewhere to get their inner strength and it takes some of the burden off me (you) for thinking that you are "ruining" his life. he wouldn't be there now if he didn't love you! i have a great circle of friends (most of them christian) and if it's ok, i would like to add you to our prayer list, you don't need to give your name i'll just call you "friend from the site".We meet every friday night (my husband as well - and my children have a teenager who has lessons for them about bullying and such. they have given me sooooo much strength and actually, that is how i found this. they encouraged me to talk to someone that has had the surgery - i had no idea about this website.
Do you have a morphine pump - the one taht is implanted in your stomach and then goes into your spinal column?
My pump is a Medtronic pump. Yes, it was inplanted in my abdomen and has a tube under the skin and tissue around into the spine and drips medication. My Pain managememt Dr asked me if I would participate in a research study because the drug that has helped me most, neurontin, was conducting the study. The liquid neurontin is much stronger than the tablets and is delivered directly into the spinal fluid, so it does not have to be absorbed through your body to get to the brain to deliver. He felt it had a possibility to get me off some of my other meds. I am also on oxycontin, (both a higher dose as a constant and a lessor strength for break through), a duregesic transdermal patch (100mcg every other day) and an antidepressant. So I felt it was a great opportunity for me. Unfortunately it hasn't gotten me off any of them.
It has been almost a year. The most difficult part was not the surgery, but weaning off the oral neurontin before the surgery. The study required that you be completely off for 30 days before surgery, the withdrawal took 20 days, (I took one less tablet every other day and 3 days with none) then wait 10 days after surgery before the liquid neurontin was introduced. I had been on neurontin for about 8 years and at a very high dose, withdrawal was almost unbearable. The only thing that got me through was the possibility to get off some of the other drugs. I was pretty much completely bedridden for 8 weeks, which sapped any remaining stamina I had. Consequently the recovery took months.
If you don't have to go through withdrawal I think the delivery system is great. It takes a few weeks for the pump to 'settle in' from the incision and tissue invasion. At first, it feels like it is going to fall out, but once it heals and scar tissue builds around it you almost forget it is there. You wear an elastic wrap around your abdomen for about 6 weeks. I then wore a firm long stretchy camisole for another few weeks. The pump does protrude some, but it's not too noticeable. I would find out what it requires pre-surgery for your medication adjustment if any. Find out if you would need to go through any major withdrawal and if it requires withdrawal, how severe. I do recommend the pump because it does give you alternate meds at a lessor strength due to the direct spinal delivery. I have my once every three week appt tomorrow and we are going to begin talking about alternate pain meds that can use the pump. Are you on morphine now? I am afraid of morphine, even throuh I am already on the patch, crazy I guess.
I do pray. Alot. I give thanks for my wonderful, patient and loving husband. Also for our children who have experienced such change with this in their lives. I pray for patience, strength and understanding. I am and have always been quietly religious. I would be honored for you to add me to your prayer list. I would prefer to be anonymous due to the enormity of the internet and the way it has shrunk our world. I have nothing to hide, I am not paranoid, nor anyone that anyone should be interested in. Just a preference.
Thank you for your response. I have never joined a site before now either. I have withdrawn way too much from friends. I have always been a very strong person and tried to be a person that others can lean on. It is difficult to lean on others. I think this is another stage of acceptance. Beginning to reach out for help. My friends have been supportive, they know how much I and my life have changed. It's that old adage unless you've walked in anothers' shoes. I don't do well with peoples sympathy, at all, it serves no purpose and makes me feel worse. But I can be sympathetic to others. I have a dear friend that has lost a son, I feel very badly for her and wish there were something I could do for her. So, I do understand what it is like to have a friend that is suffering but no experience in her shoes (by the grace of God). But again, it is easier for her to share her pain and loss with others that have had that horrible unimaginable experience. I hate complaining, but I am beginning to realize that it is a release for the stress we deal with when in constant pain. I was having a really bad weekend and simply posting helped. So we are both new.
I wish you well and hope we can share again. Let me know if you decide to go through with the pump surgery.