Betty,

Thank you so much for your kind words and especially for liking my poetry. I was banged on the head pretty good and before that I was not artistic at all, but I feel the new talent was the blessing that came out of the tragedy. Explain that one to my kids, though when I have to mute the TV everytime they talk because my mind can't concentrate on more than one thing at a time. I'll be looking at them and watching their mouths move, but if there's background noise it doesn't matter how badly I want to hear them. 

I will pass the wisdom of your experience along to my friend. It was bad enough he passed, but he was beaten to death in the dead of winter with a tire iron by 3 boys who weren't older than 20. That's the hardest part for her. All she sees are the coroner photos in court (my family were all there with her that day and they still have bad flashbacks). He was my Joey's best friend. He was just a boy who was way younger than his years, heavy set, teased all through school, beaten to near death by thugs many times...he suffered from drug addiction. But we all saw something in him that others could not. He was a kid. A loving kid who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He was big, but never fought back, he'd rather take the beating than hurt someone else. My Joey suffers still because just before he passed they were riding in the car and he said to Joey, "if I was getting beat up and you were there, you wouldn't let anybody hurt me would you?" My son said, "hell no dude. I'd kick their @sses." Two days later he was gone not a mile from our home. Joey has much guilt for not being there that night.  

His Mom has great strength, but she also has not really accepted it. She likes to think he's just gone for 3 or 4 days like he used to. She feels him around her often and sometimes I make her cry by something I say that takes her into her grief - a place she's not comfortable being in for good reason. I feel bad, but she always tells me not to. I'm sure you've felt like that before over Ryan too. I cannot imagine the terrible pain you feel each day, but especially on holidays. Changing traditions is a great idea. She lost her husband 2 months before her son. I'm not sure I agree with your pastor to just get over it.   You'll never get over it. I still cannot believe how much your son looks like my son. Its remarkable.

I've looked at your site and you have your own talents. I could never organize an online pain support group or one in my area for that matter. You are reaching out and touching lots of people and who knows how far you'll go with it. I'd like to see some action taken to force doctors to learn about the pain medicines they prescribe and particularly how to get people off them SAFELY. It should not be an elective course in med. school.  

I too hope you are having the best day you can, given the circumstances. I don't know about you, but for me, sleeping is little to none. Sleep around 11 or 12, awake for the day by 3 to 3:15.  Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon. What state are you in? I'm in Michigan.

Sherry 

Hi Betty, That's okay, I assume people are really busy this time of year. Yes, my son is one handsome devil! I'm happy to hear Matt is now talking to you about his feelings. I cannot imagine what it would be like from his point of view in a loss like that...lots of concentration on the parents but sometimes siblings get unintentionally overlooked by well-meaning others.  I've told my friend what you suggested -changing up the holiday routine. She gets real grouchy with me on the phone sometimes but that's because she feels safe enough to yell at me (who else can she take it out on?), I think. She knows I'm not going anywhere and I let it roll off my back any way. I'm sorry your pain has been so bad, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY any way. I hope you enjoy your dinner with your family. Mine's been a little tough lately too, but a lot has to do with the weather - we just got about 14 inches of snow. Those weather fronts are a killer.  Once in a while my Joey talks to me about things but not too often. Seems like when he does, he really spills it. The first settlement check in my vehicle accident was mailed to my atty a week ago today. Say a little prayer it comes today. No meds, no groceries, no christmas without it. I've been eating advil like tic-tacs. I have a good deal of $ coming but can you believe my family??? My kids (who have given up the last 3 years and the best years) to care for me tell me it's my money, to spend it on my meds and maybe even a surgery that would reduce the pain. The rest of my family (Mother, brother, neices, etc.), after going months without a card, or call to see how I am or if we have food, now call no less than 5-6 times a day each to tell me how hard their lives are and how much it would take to make their lives better. Yep. I actually got dollar figures. My brother: $3,000 would make him happy. My own Mother wants $12,000! (that one hurt) and neices want new cell phones and designer clothes. Through my meditation I've become brutally honest with all around me....learned that if I don't, I end up being the one who sits disturbed while they go on about their business, oblivious. So I warn them first, here comes my new brutally honest side, you can hang up now, or choose to listen. Up to you. Then I let them have it. I'm not disrespectful, just honest...what really put them in the shape their in...that I didn't win the lottery, it's for medical expenses, and that I would have never charged my mother (nor have I in the past) for caring for her when she needed me and she should be ashamed of herself as a mother. She really didn't do much for me as it was, she was usually drunk and falling on the floor, or sleeping off a drunk, while I was having grand Mal seizures in the chair next to her. So my daughter will get some and so will my sons for being there and never waivering. I think I told you one time I was in U of M hospital and was 2 hours past my pain shot. It was 2 am. I called my son, crying. He got in the car and drove the 20 miles to the hospital and was in my room a few minutes later. He pulled a "terms of endearment" on them. He raised hell - I had my shot in the first 5 minutes after his arrival, the charge nurse and patient rights in there. After the shot he scooped me up and carried me out yelling he can take better care of me at home. He's faced off with several in the health industry since my accident. He's just a kid who gets **** done. As soon as he walks in the room I feel like I'm completely safe. I brag too much..he does have his faults, but he sure loves the women in his life.  

I hope your birthday is wonderful and pain free. Thank you for writing back.  Take care.

Betty, I don't sleep too well at night so this is the reason I'm replying so early. As I'm sure you've already guessed our family situations are very closely related. Me and my kids went a year without more than 3 phone calls from my family. They also live in same town. But like you, I do not harbor resentment or anything else negative toward them. I meditate a lot and it has helped me to look inward for my strength and wow, does it ever work for relieving those things others can do (or not do) to get to a person. I have nothing but peace in my heart....but a good healthy distance from them all.  They're troubles, whining, complaining, rarely gets to me anymore and I know if it starts to, I need to let the voice mail get the phone for a few days. Most of the time my meditation has taught me not only to control my physical pain, but also emotional pain inflicted by those I thought I could trust. Isn't it funny how before something tragic happens to us we think we know who would be there for us...but once it happens, the list is not only much shorter than we thought, but different names completely. I seriously considered moving across the country, but my daughter said, "geez they don't come to visit any way, so just tell them you've moved to Florida and change your number. They'll never know the difference." I found that funny. I call my parents by first name now...not out of disrespect, but a symbol to myself to remain detached and at a safe distance. This way I ensure I hold on to my inner peace. Did you have a good Birthday dinner? Thanks so much for the prayers on the check. Still waiting.... Hoping to get it before Christmas. I've really felt terrible about the kids not getting Christmas the past 3 years. Understandable to the older 2, but hardest for my youngest guy. I hope you had a wonderful time with your husband and son!

Thanks for writing back and for the prayers.  

Hi betty, I'm so sorry it took me so long to write back - or to even check my site. I hope you understand the last couple of weeks have been nothing but stressful, exhausting and never ending for me. Most of the shopping was left to me and because the $ didn't come until 12/22 I was only left with a few days to do what I knew would take 12-14 hour days. Thank God for the Mall in this area with the rental motorized scooters! Still, my body hurts terrible and I'm glad it's about over (the Holidays', that is). I thought of you over Christmas eve and day, wondering if you were doing okay. I too feel like we could sit at lunch and talk until sunset over our shared experiences. We do have so much in common and I do enjoy hearing from you and writing to you. The kids got me lots of art supplies for Christmas so I'm hoping to really begin doing some things I feel Mary is pushing me to do....help others by my words, my drawings and my intuition. I love to talk to others' who acknowledge how terribly important She was/is in our lives - intervening on our behalf to her Son in his anger over the way we treat each other, etc. She is the best at comforting Mothers and Children in their grief, whatever type the grief may be and I call on her daily. I found a beautiful hand blown glass sculputure of her at the mall and the reason I bought it was because it was the identical image of the picture I drew from memory of my Blessed visit with her. My youngest son has his doubts as to my intuitive talents, but since i bought the sculpture, he was sitting twice at the computer by himself in the room and each time I got frustrated or felt over-committed, over-used by those around me (I was feeling resentment)...Cody came to the kitchen and said Mary just tipped over backwards and no one was anywhere near her. Twice. On three other occassions when I ask her if I'm doing what's best for me I can leave the room and when I return she's no longer facing the room, she's facing the right. There are no vibrations, nothing to move it on it's own and it's very heavy. I take those turns as not her turning her back on me but telling me I'm going the wrong way. so I correct my thinking, my actions. My pain medicines have ranged from Darvon to Morphine and fentanyl. However, I didn't like being "dependent" on a medication, so I asked to be taken off all pain medications until they can find one that works without permanently messing up your pain receptors. I do take lots of Neurontin, muscle relaxers for really bad days and tons of Advil (which I'm not even sure works anymore.) As is with you, the real pain relief came when I began making time for myself. I meditate in the morning and I go to very deep trances. While in the trances I am completely pain free and can remain pain free for several hours after. I also do some basic Yoga and have taken charge of my own PT in my apt. exercise room. Just strengthing certain muscles have eased a lot of pain. It's the getting there that's the hard part.  My Joey got his Yamaha 250 dirt bike he's wanted as a very small payment for him giving up his life, sex life, relationships, etc., to be here for me. I wanted to give him something to look forward to and he used to race and do many fancy (eye-covering) jumps. Last night was his first time on it and I was 80 miles RT away. I got a call that he crashed on the last lap and they were brining him home with a "sprained ankle". Well, being a Mom, when he got here and I saw them carrying him across the yard with his foot dangling, I knew it was not only broke, but in several places. He refuses to go to the ER, MX'ers "suck it up" as he calls it. But I will insist today that he goes because I think one break is compound - the bone didn't break the skin but is sticking out the side of his foot. It hurts me to see him in pain, but it hurts more to know that he only rode once and will have to put it up for several weeks. He gets so depressed being laid up for longer than a day or two.  We did have a wonderful Christmas and everyone got what they wanted. Carly is still moving to LA in 6 days, ticket bought, lease signed, rent paid. I cry thinking about it but I want to be strong because I know it's the best thing for her to be on her own and act like a 24 year old for a change. We went so long without food and necessities, we eat out a lot since the money came and we spend like drunken sailors, but after 3 years what can anyone expect? The one thing (other than my new furniture) I am going to do for myself is take a Mexican Rivera Cruise on a ship for psychics and mediums learning for 8 days under people like Sylvia Browne and Lisa Williams. It was the path Mary told me to follow  - to study under a master. It's costly, but I cannot pass it up. I'll be on my own, so hopefully the cruise staff will assist me in getting around. It's not till May or something anyway. My second suit (Pain and suffering) will arbitrate in March.....maybe. That's for much more. Most of this $ has to be paid to providers, so I didn't really get very much for myself, comparitively. I am at peace, as I know that if Mary wants me to go, she will make it happen. I have total trust.  I received a visit from my dear friend's son the day after Christmas. He was so excited to tell me what she got, what happened, etc. I wrote it all out in one of my dozens of already filled notebooks (I do a lot of psychic writing). Then I called her and told her not only everything she got, but who was there, that they played a trick on her to make her think she didn't get what she wanted and also how alone she felt after everyone left. I told her that he hugged her while sitting in her chair once alone and that he knew she felt it and she told me that she did feel arms around her shoulders at that time. He just wanted her to know he was there, spent the whole day there and saw everything that happened. Proof to her of eternal life. Some need solid proof, others just know. She happens to need the proof. I've been asked to submit my poetry to a national contest. They sought me out which really felt good. I still have to pear down one or two of them by quite a few lines, but I'm not really wanting to give up any parts of them. I'm honored, it's a huge grand prize and several 2nd, 3rd, etc. plus national  exposure to some of the best publishers. WaHoo!!!  I was so glad to hear back from you. Glad your birthday was nice, and I know we agree on how handsome our sons are!!! i just wish mine would see it as much as I do. you're a special person and I can tell you're a wonderful Mother. A dog, I couldn't care for either, but I do have a wonder cat who cares for himself, except he requires a 4 piece chicken nugget from McD's every time we go. As for Grandchildren, I think when the time is right for them to have children, I'll figure out some way to baby sit and spoil them terrible! You will too. They are making strides in Fibromy. and I believe in just a few short years they'll be able to address that pain with the right meds from research. Have you thought about getting into a research program? I know it's risky, I used to work in Research at St. Joe's Mercy Health Syst. in Ann Arbor. But boy, lots of people are on the cutting edge of the top medications and have access free of charge to the top doctors in that field. Just a thought....Thank you my friend, for writing, I hope we keep in close touch. I can't remember what state you're in, but I'm in Michigan. How far away are we?  Friends, Sherry