i have been in severe acute chronic pain for almost 20yrs now due to an old break in my clavicle and acute chronic scatica, as well as on going renal probelms [i only have one kidney left] and arthitis in my neck and just about everywhere else! i have been on morphine now for almost 6yrs and i have tried every treatment ranging from acupuncture to faith healers, i am on m.s.t 100mg x3day and oralmorph 25ml,s every 4 hrs it is supposed to be for breakthrough pain but i can,t cope without it, i am lucky if i sleep more than 3 to 4hrs per night, i am also on anti-depressants as well as sleeping pill,s i am under a pain management consultant who has literally fobbed me off, whenever i go to see him all i get is, "Are you still in pain!" what a stupid bloody thing to say! if i were ok then i would,nt be seeing him would i?.
Basically i no longer have a quality of life anymore, i am always exhausted and snappy, my marriage of 23yrs has broken down due to my pain, i fel so dammed alone! yes i go to the self help group,s, yes i go out and about, but truth be told i just want to come home and sleep,i used to be so happy go lucky, now i,m a wreck, i cannot lie i have tried several times to end my life ni matter how many times i try i am brought back, for what? for my son and my future grandbaby to see a pain filled wreck? it isn,t fair, i know to take your own life is selfish, but what else have i to offer? when my son comes to visit me i know it hurt,s him to see me like this, i frequently fall over due to my scatica being so bad, do i really ask too much? i just want a break from this hell thats all i want.
I am sorry that you feel that your son doesn't want to be with a "broken" mother, but honey, you are wrong, no matter how broken we are, our kids always, always love us, and no matter what, they rather have us here than 6 feet under. I am in intractable pain also and yes, I am always in pain, and I missed working and doing the things that I did before my spine got severed, but I tell you one thing, I can never be so selfish with my love ones! I will never, ever take my life because of the pain!
Whenever I feel sorry for myself and I feel that I have no purpose or reason for living, I go look at the children with cancer and other terminal diseases at the Children's Hospital were I volunteer, and then my life becomes meaningful again!
Maybe you need to get out of the house and volunteer in a children's hospital, in a hospice place were people with AIDS live, or a place were there are people that are in worst condition than you are, then you can look at your blessings and appreciate how much you have vs. what you don't.
I remember when I worked as a Social Worker and I saw all of the sadness and desperation of people that were terminally ill, I admire them! I admire them because even though they knew that they had their lives and days counted, they were so grateful to be alive just one more day, one more hour, one more minute! They used to give their all to every little thing that they did, because they knew that their days were counted and they wanted to leave this earth in a happy and positive note. My advice to you would be to stop thinking on how little you have, but start looking at all the blessings that you have around you.
You have a child, I am sure that you have a family that loves you, food in the fridge and the covers, and many other things..... and then take a look at those that have nothing, and then count your blessings. Is not easy to live like this, I know that, because I do it every single day! But honey, I have learned to appreciate what ever little I have....... Because there is always someone else that is worst off than I am.