I'm going to start therapy soon. It's scary to tell someone things you never say out and in the open. In your head you can say anything and everything. And no ones can say your nuts or why do you think like that. Or people don't see you that way or think that you're weak. That is the way I feel.

 There are times I walk without aid and times I need my walker or cane. But I don't like the way people look at me. And they do say that I'm faking it. I know I shouldn't care what people think or say. They don't live with me and see what happens to me. At night with all the pain and scared looks on my children's faces. I'm also getting therapy for my children; I feel they can benefit from talking to some one too. I know it's for the best that they get this therapy. They need to let it out. And not feel that there going to hurt my feelings buy say what they feel.

 I have two children my first is 22 yrs old and she has a 7 mouth old baby girl (my grand baby). And my baby boy is 6 yrs old and going to start school in the fall. I know there scared. Seeing your mom weak and not get out of bed or to walk to the bathroom with out help. I didn't ask for this, I went from super mom to this weak helpless person. There are days I can do things. But then I over do it by a lot. Like clean the house no stopping me. They tell me mom stop your going to hurt your self! Ands they are right I do. I'll be in bed for a week in pain. I don't listen I need to do it all went I can. The doctors tell me I need a health aid. But I always say not yet.

 I have so much stress with me being sick, my relationship and my children. They have there own thing going on, my daughter is not having it easy with the baby's dad. I try not to get in, I don't want to. It's her problem not mine, I have my own thing going on.  

 My relationship is not working out with my son's father. I feel that he doesn't know how to handle me being sick or he don't want to? The man I have been with for 8 1/2 yrs. doesn't know what if he wants to be with me. I'm trying to be good about this. I told him we need a brake. Also told he lets just do this before one of us doses something one of us is not going to like. I feel it's going to be me. I love him yes but not should what I want for a year an 1/1 now. And he doesn't know what he what's or needs. I also feel he doesn't know how to be with me? Being as sick as I am. I could walk some days and some days I can't. ((((I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!!)))) HIS LOST!!!!