So insulted...

By Nicole Monday, October 15, 2007

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I just had to vent today... I was watching a news program the other night (I think it was on people with fibro and their pain). It was plugging alternative medicine (which I have no problem with and try to incorporate into my life as well as modern medicine). There was a mother on there who had a few children and chronic pain, and said something that has stuck with me all week. She said "Nobody who takes narcotics can be a good mother." Oh my! Well... this just made me so incredibly angry. It made me feel for all the other mother's like myself, who were watching this and also had just put the kids to bed after a very long day, bodies aching, taken their meds, were ready to hop into bed for a few hours of rest before doing it all over again. I felt as though here we are with another idiot making those of us who take medication feel like we are awful people....like we should all be gathered and hung in the courtyard in front of the townspeople. I was completely insulted!! I have only been a mother for nearly eight months, but let me say that if I can pat my own back.. I think all things considered I'm doing a pretty good job in my new role. I have bad days, but let me say that if I didn't take medicine I'd have a lot more of them! It IS hard living with pain and being a mom... and a wife.. and a friend, daughter, etc. etc.. I just wanted to ask this woman WHY would she say such a thing on national tv...and why would she think that? I am one of many women who are proof that you CAN be a good mom and have pain management with narcotic medication. Does she have any idea how many people suffer from chronic pain, and how many people take medications and have children AND function normally... live their lives well and have wonderful mothering skills? Why do people constantly make us feel like you can't have pain AND be a mom... or you can't have pain AND be a successful career woman, or have pain AND ____ fill in the blank. It always seems as though there are those that think having pain has to be your entire life and you can't possibly do anything else...or do it well anyway. There is this mindset that is really getting to me!

Maybe she doesn't realize that it is in part because of the medication that I AM able to be a good mother in the first place!! If I didn't, I would suffer and my child would suffer... I don't want to live my life constantly in pain if I don't have to! I am sure that my child benefits from me being as functional as possible! This doesn't mean that narcotics are the only remedy... I do incorporate many other things such as massage, aromatherapy, breath work, chiropractic, injections, walking, journaling, networking, etc...

I just had to vent... this really really got me going. People are so quick to judge, and while I know I need to let it roll off my back (I got enough of it during my pregnancy I should be used to it by now), but it still stings to hear people say such ignorant statements. I try so hard not to be mad at my pain, but it's people like this that bring up those feelings. They make us feel ashamed, guilty and scared to reach out for help... to find good doctors and stand up for ourselves... to be truthful and advocate our rights as patients... It's people like this who should be hung in that courtyard! (Ok, that's a little harsh... but you get the idea).. :)

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Barbara Kivowitz

10/15/07 4:29pm

I saw the same tv spot and at first I was ****** off and thought - "This woman doesn't know what she's talking about. How dare she judge reality for so many others." The more I stewed, the more I found myself thinking that at least you and I and so many others are dealing constructively and consciously with our pain. How many people have pain, including both physcial and emotional and mental pain, and are acting out instead of taking charge.

annebeckett

10/15/07 11:18pm

hey, Nicole. Let me prefact this with, I have been in constant pain since my son was two and my daughter, four. I have been taking medications pretty-much all of this time and my own kids (now 21 and 23) say I am a great mom!

So, for these idiots who make blanket statements like that, I have only one thing to say... someimes, one must cry: Bullsh1t!!!!

How dare they even put something like this out into the universe? UGH. People like this make me very angry and this makes me wonder just how much pain they actually have been through to say anything like that! Can you get me any sort of link to the show's maker? Believe me, I have things to say that I cannot say here.. and would do better were it presented to the idiot who produced and/or edited it! Ugh. Irritating! anne

Susan lic

10/16/07 3:31am

There are a lot a**es out there that think they know ever thing there is to know. Yes there are parents who use drugs and than there are parents who take meds. Drug users don't care about what happens to their kids. They only think about their next fix. While parents who take meds want to feel better so they can be there for their families. Yes some meds make us sleeping or slow us down but that dose not mean that we want to feel that way all the time. Pain hurts the whole family not just the one with it. The meds help us deal with the problems so we can be there for our children. No one wants to live in pain so just push them a side and live for your children. She is a person who clearly dose not have real pain in her life. God bless you all and keep up the good work.

diamond

10/17/07 12:43am

People that don't know what you have to live with every day - they just don't understand until they get to take a walk in your shoes. God forbid they ever have to deal with one day of constant pain and the realization that if you can take medication to FUNCTION and be what you need to be -wife, mother, friend, co-worker etc. it is not a solution to pain we still have it but it is a little more bearable. At this point in your life I say enjoy your baby keep a positive attitude with the realization that the people that condemn US for taking meds while being functionig moms/wives WILL be in our shoes someday they won't know how to cope then and will all turn in to big messes. LOL - trust me I've seen it!

Terry

10/17/07 12:48pm

A very wise, (and wonderfully compassionate) doctor told me when I first had to start taking psychotrophic drugs, (I was fearful of "addiction") to help with pain control that if I were to break my leg I would gladly accept a cast and crutches to support my body and keep the pain under control. He said that prescription medication is the same kind of support for the body when you suffer with chronic pain of any kind. I now take a "cocktail" of 6 different drugs, which are constantly monitored by my doctors, to help with the pain. Sometimes it works well, some days not so well, but I REFUSE to feel guilty about using medical science to help support my body when it is has a "break," and neither should any of the rest of us! I wonder if the woman on the TV spot refused all drugs when she went through childbirth? In the beginning of this journey through the painful landscape, I worried about the image of the addict that everyone held up whenever I had to take my handful of pills in public with so many eyes staring at me, but now I know that diabetics depend on insulin to lead full lives, just as I am "dependent" upon my meds to lead as full and active a life as I can on my good days. None of us has anything to apologize for or be ashamed of, ESPECIALLY a mother with small children...been there, done that...God bless you all, (I'm a retired Kinder teacher!). I would never wish ill on anyone, but that TV mom should watch out or a house might drop out of a tornado and fall on her sister Tongue

and then she will have to stay a way from buckets of water forever...filth is much worse than pain! Okay, that's my rant on this one. Hope that's helps put it into perspective, Nicole...Happy Trails, Terry

Nicole

10/17/07 1:45pm

Thanks for the replies.. I knew I wouldn't be the only one who was insulted by this ignorant statment. This woman suffers from Fibro and uses only alternative medicine to treat it. That's great if it works for her... but that isn't always the case for all others. I just can't believe she's make such a general statement like that. Maybe if she had said that SHE couldn't be a good mother on narcotics that would be different, but she said ANYONE who takes them can not be a good mother.. That just made me so incredibly angry. I actually am in the middle of changing my meds around again because I am becoming less functional and my child suffers because I'm so tired and in pain I can hardly lift her or carry her for long periods. I don't want it to be that way... I don't want to miss out on all of these moments with her! I know that increasing my ability to function and be able to increase my physical activity with a very active infant will benefit my entire family. I do wonder just how much pain she was / is in to make such a statement. You're right... if she walked in our shoes maybe she'd change her tone a little. But... to each their own.. and if she wants to think like that so be it... but we know that we CAN be good parents, spouses, workers, friends, etc... and manage our pain with medication. So... ___ her!!

sciaticasuzette

10/19/07 1:43am

Believe it.....she doesn't have the kind of pain that renders her to bed and unable to do anything.....if she did she would thank God for narcotics....I take them and I don't feel high, tired or anything like that....I just about feel normal except for the depression which has been making me useless lately. I don't know what to do about that as my Doc upped the Effexor and it made a difference for about 5 months and now the same thing......I am useless, can watch a television program and not know anything about it....just zone out.

I met with 2 Neuros who said to stay off the narcotics and they will make me weak....my Doc said BS....it makes me angry so I don't even bother telling them anymore....My Doc sees me monthly and keeps an eye on it......

It is our right legally to be as pain free as possible and take the necessary meds to do it. Docs who refuse are denying us our rights and it is wrong. Especially when they can see the pain we suffer and the MRI's and CT Scans show the causes of the pain.

Pay no attention to this lady and to the person who wants to write into the program Go for it as they should feature some one elses view on this subject.

Good luck all,

Susan

cheshirecat

10/19/07 1:25pm

I tried to reason with a women the other night about healthcare. She claimed that people that don't work should not be entitled to healthcare! I said ”What about those too sick to work?“ She said, “If you can open your mouth to talk, you can work.” I said, “What if you are on narcotic drugs?“ Her reply, “Get a job where you have no responsibility!” I've worked for 30 years and am recently a chronic pain sufferer. I cannot do what I used to do, and I find it hard to believe any employer would knowingly hire a person using narcotic drugs, even if prescribed by a doctor. This women made me so mad, I want to be what I once was, but I can't! Now I just do the best I can. We need affordable healthcare for all in our country. Most uninsured do work. Either they are not offered insurance at their job or can't afford it. The estimate for a family of 4 is $12,000 a year. It just amazes me the selfish attitude that people have, everyone out for themselves! Wait till they have a catastrophic illness and see how fast you are pushed toward bankruptcy, even with insurance. The healthcare system is broken in this country! It is an awful feeling when your sick and in pain to lay there and worry How will I pay for my care? It isn't even a question in the other industrialized countries!

Bekah

10/19/07 3:43pm

Hi Nicole

I did not see that program but from the sounds of it I'm glad I didn't!

I'm not a mother yet but I can still understand your frustrations. A lot of people have no idea what we as chronic pain patients go through. I know a few women with chronic pain who are mothers and they just blow me away. They are incredible mothers and they really give me hope that it is possible to both have an illness and be a good mom. You too have taught me that with all your postings. *hug*

It is unreasonable to think that because we require a medication to manage our pain that we would be unfit as a parent. We know ourselves better than ANYONE so to pass judgement on a person just because of their illness is very unfair.

Betty Boop Too

11/12/07 11:01pm

Hello Nicole

I did not have the pleasure of watching or viewing the program. Furious

The fact of the matter, is that this lady may have a chronic pain illness, but she's not suffering very much, if she makes such randomized statements and show's her blatent ignorance shine through, of what real pain is truely like.

People who have not suffered the same way as the rest of us have, just cannot be expected to understand. It's truely a shame that she has access to a national audience that hears her garbage dribble out of her mouth.

By the time I came down with this chronic pain, my youngest son was a sophemore in highschool, it was difficult enough, to continue to make it to all his ball games and take care of his meals as it was. I truely tip my hat and have the utmost respect for those of you raising small & younger children, I cannot imagine what I would do if I still had my boys at home. I struggle trying to make two meals a week for my husband & I.

All of you mothers that have raised your children now and in the past while suffering with this kind of pain, should be proud of yourselves for taking the proper meds that allowed you to be the mothers that you have been.

What good would you be if you were in bed or on the couch?? This woman is a nitwit.

I'm glad that she is not in as much pain as the rest of us, as I'd not ever wish this on anyone, but I certainly would like to write the producer's of the program and let them know how I feel.

She apparently is basing her information on the hollywood scene and the rags you find in grocery store lines.

I'd love to ask her if she was saying that every woman that has suffered through cancer pain is a bad mother too???

It also wouldn't surprise me if she is a recovering addict of some kind and she's basing her judgement on her own lack of self control at some point in

her life too.

Sorry, I better shut up now. I was not going to let her statement get me angry, but I think I've failed once again. Wacko

This whole freedom of speach thing is a good thing, but I think we need to amend it to state, only when you plan to spread truth! Tongue

All of you raising your children should be very proud of yourselves, your staying out of bed and doing the best you can.

Betty

12/13/07 11:39pm

I am insulted also..and I don't even take narcotic's anymore! Who the H*ll do people think they are..they are NOT speaking for all of us. Who either at sometime have or are still taking these much needed meds. Everyone is different and pain level varies with each person and each person acts according to their own needs. I do believe if these are working for you, you probably ARE a better mom now then one who just sits in pain! You don't have to explain youself to anyone! Never question how you are doing you job as a mother by whats someone else says...look inside yourself and you will know if your doing right by yourself and your child.

Take care

Melanie

7/ 8/08 4:21pm

I do understand your frustration along with being a mother of a four year old and another on the way living in daily pain. I have fibro and just as you stated my child would suffer more if I didn't take medicine because I wouldn't be able to function to my fullest (which is still limited). To accomplish being a mother, wife and working I get through these things because I take pain meds. I don't like it but can't help it. Hopefully it helps knowing someone else understands and has the same issues. Try to remember that people who don't have chronic pain can't understand fully, even if they do care.

Tasha

6/ 1/09 2:39pm

I found out I was pregnant with a beautiful baby girl, my only problem is I've been on pain medication for chronic neck and back pain for 6 years now. I stopped all of my medications except for one, which I cut back on considerably. When I found out I was pregnant I told my pain management doctor and his advice was to get an abortion. When I made it clear I wanted to keep the baby, he then advised me to stop all of my medications cold turkey. I live in Southern California and can't seem to find a good doctor. Any advice?

Nicole

6/ 1/09 3:11pm

First of all, congratulations!!!

Second, what a jerk!! You are not the first person who has said this to me either..that a dr recommended an abortion because they were on pain medication for a chronic condition. This makes me sick!! There is NO reason you can't have a baby and get some pain management. Honestly it might not be completely managed, but you can try. If you want to email me with some more information like what kind of meds you were/are taking and how far along you are, etc. I would be happy to chat with you about my experiences and see if it helps at all. I can be reached at Luv2laugh06 AT sbcglobal DOT net.

I'm so very sorry that your pregnancy is clouded by this awful experience already. I'd start to look for another doctor that will support you during a pregnancy with the minimal amount of medicine. Support is going to be crucial... maybe your OB can help you find someone who cares, or maybe you need to just ask your pain doctor if he isn't comfortable with your pregnancy can he refer you to someone with experience in this. The fact he recommended an abortion w/o even looking into what meds you can/can't take - oh i'd drop him so fast if it were me! There ARE doctors out there (granted hard to find) that understand chronic pain and pregnancy... and medicines that are safe. My doctors didn't really know what to do with me but they sent me to specialists and together we searched for answers... I wasn't dropped on my butt and told sorry, lose your baby or suffer. That's crap! I saw a doctor who specializes in special needs pregnancies and works with a lot of women like us, and he told me that nobody should ever ask you to be in pain - no matter what. The pain will be more stressful to you and the baby then the medication. Why there is so much ignorance about this among doctors still is so frustrating. Anyhow, if you would like to talk further send me an email.

Hang in there,

Nicole

So insulted...

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