I had a really bad car accident three years ago that left me with chronic back pain.  I had surgery that did not help.  The only way I can have some quality of life is to use pain medication.  I really want to start a family.  My doctor told me I have to get off all my meds.  It is really impossible.  I tried but then I am bed ridden and in so much pain.  I have been looking everwhere for information about taken pain med during pregnancy.  Your story really touched me and gave me some hope.  I would like to know what meds did you take and how much?  I am really scared because I don't want to harm my child because of my actions. Did your doctors tell you want possible side effects are?

thank you so much for sharing your story

Jaclyn

Nicole

3/ 9/08 8:04pm

Hi Jaclyn -

 

Sorry that your doctors have not been supportive. That is the worst thing ever in my book...  Pregnancy and Pain together are hard enough without the hurdles of doctors that give us hoops to jump through and NO support.

 

If you'd like to talk more please email me at Luv2Laugh06 AT sbcglobal DOT net.  Lately, I don't check it as often as I'd like to b/c of my own pain and now my 1 year old keeping me so busy... but I do set aside as much time as I can to chat with women like yourself. I'm happy to do it! Let me know how I can help.

 

There is hope, I promise!

 

Nicole

julie bustos

7/13/08 7:30pm

jacklyn

 

my doctor told me that my son may have withdrawls when he came out but thats it

i took 10/650 oxycodone a.k.a. percocet and he is now 6 months old and i couldnt imagine him any more perfect and he has not had one crying spell or anything that would make me think my meds did something hes smart and strong and healthy

i hope this helps you

Anonymous

10/30/08 8:31pm

hi jacklyn,

   i also have pain every day due to degenerative disc disease and multiple spinal fusions and have to take percocet to function.  my obgyn has allowed me to take it for my entire pregnancy although, like other medical professionals, she says there are no controlled studies to know the effects on the fetus etc...   i am going to deliver a baby girl via c-section in less than three weeks, and now that the date is getting closer i am very scared and also ridden with guilt about having had to take meds while pregnant.  i have stopped working recently in order to wean slowly down on my dosage as instructed by my ob so that there is less chance of the baby being born addicted to narcotics, and it has been extremely difficult.  i'm wondering how much oxycodone/day you took and whether or not your baby has had any problems as a result.  it is so hard to live with pain every day as it is, without having to feel guilty and scared at the same time.  any advice would be appreciated.  thanks.

janet

I was very encouraged to hear your story but how did you do it? I also suffer with chronic pain and would love to have another child but don't think i could manage without painkillers at least to sleep at night else I just would be in agony and couldn't sleep or function. I know you can't give advice but are you saying that you continued on pain relief?

Nicole

1/ 9/09 8:30pm

I did continue to take some pain meds. I just don't include all of that in my posts. I had to discontinue a lot of the meds I was on, and remain on short acting ones, and tried to take the minimum that I could to tolerate the pain...but yes, I did have to take the medication. Hope that answers your question! :)  Nicole

I am in a similar situation. I suffer with chronic pain and have found myself 6 weeks pregnant. Unfortunately I have NO support from my husband in this regard as he has heard the opinions of the doctors who advised to quit cold turkey and fight the pain. I am desperate to just get advise as to what medication is acceptable to take. I am more than willing to try anything that works for the pain but I simply cannot be on no form of pain meds as I am terrified as to what the stress will do to my unborn child. Please if there is anything you can do to assist I will be eternally grateful.

Nicole

6/30/09 1:31pm

I'm so sorry.. What meds are you taking now? Cold turkey is NOT good for the baby... if you are going off your meds you need to wean carefully and slowly... and talk to your doctor about getting a referall to see a doctor who works with high risk pregnancies and has education about people who take medicine during pregnancy. Often times it's just a case of an uneducated OB and once they learn how to approach this with some pain management for the sake of the unborn child, they change their tune and are able to support you. Often it seems to be just a knee jerk reaction to say go off your meds when they don't fully understand all the options. Do you have any supportive doctors you can appeal to for further guidance in finding you options to be on minimal  medicine but still gain some pain control so you don't stress out the baby and put it at risk??

 

If you want to talk send me an email please.. Luv2laugh AT sbcglobal DOT net. I'd be happy to share more of my experiences with you.

 

Hang in there.. Nicole

Anonymous

7/ 1/09 3:04am

Hey there...

 

Thanx so much for replying so quickly..I saw a new OB yesterday and advised that I had done some research and found a site where there are so many of us in the same boat. She is wonderful about it all has now put me on a dose to wean carefully over the next few weeks and I only have 6 weeks to go...Once I have reached my 3 month goal I can go back onto the exact dose I was on with no ill effects to my little one. Thanks so much for this site it really gave me the strength to fight back when I was first told to simply quit, the only thing I did quit was the doctor...I have found a great support in my new OB and since she is so accomodating my hubby is also MUCH more supportive.

You have been such a breath of fresh air to me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Maryna

 

PJ

7/ 6/09 4:04pm

Wow, I am both surprised and not surprised at how many docs have told us to just "quit" cold turkey our pain meds... 

 

I have been suffering from moderately severe spinal stenosis with spurring and spinal narrowing, as well as reversal of the cervical spine for many years..  I didn't seek treatment until about 5 years ago after my second son was born and the pain was unbearable.  Turns out my condition is congenital, meaning I was born with it.  I had to see three different docs to get any kind of pain relief even before I was pregnant.. I was finally given Vicodin three times a day and referred for ESI's..  (epidural steroid injections).  However, when I moved, my current PCP refused to increase my pain meds, even though there is not a neurologist down here to give me injections.

 

And now that I am pregnant with our third (unexpectedly), I am having trouble again getting a doctor to help me.  My PCP cut my Vicodin three times a day cold turkey once I told him I was pregnant, My OB was okay with me taking it as long as my PCP prescribed it for me.  So now I have been weaned completely off until I can see a perinatologist (a high-risk pregnancy specialist/internal medicine specialist for prenatal care).  I've been without pain medication other than Tylenol ES for a week, and have two more weeks to go. 

 

I am so fed up with docs and the lack of concern.  However, it is not entirely their fault.  You can blame the DEA for most of it. 

 

At any rate, I am just hoping that the perinatologist will be willing to work with me, and understand that this is a chronic worsening condition that is only getting worse, with age, and with growing pregnancy..  I now also have lower back pain and am the only employed person in the family, due to layoffs and the economy.  I work from home at my computer all day, (I have 8 years in the medical field as a medical assistant and phlebotomist, as well as some pharmacy, but went to medical transcription to be home with my second born - we decided as soon as he was in Kindergarten I could return to work full time, but now I am pregnant again so I am stuck at home all day, ugh)  but this job has worsened my pain, and exacerbated my condition to the point that I can sit at the computer for only 15 minutes at a time, and my work and income are suffering greatly for it.  Now that I have NO pain control at all, I can barely stand to sit still at all..  lying down hurts, sitting upright hurts, walking hurts..  its called CHRONIC pain. 

 

But reading these stories have helped me to wnat to continue fighting for my right to be comfortable at the very least during this pregnancy, and not accept being told I have to suffer the pain.  Being in pain is just as bad for the baby, if not worse, than being on Vicodin alone.  I can tolerate being on just vicodin, is that too much to ask? 

 

Thanks for reading and listening and I hope that many of you who have had troubles with your doctors, find the deserved relief you need. 

 

I too am tired of being made out to be a bad person just because I need some relief during pregnancy, by doctors, uneducated medical assistants, uneducated medical receptionists, and ignorant moms who have perfect lives. 

 

God Bless all of you and your beautiful healthy babies!  :)

 

PJ

April

7/29/09 7:02am

I am currently in a position where I'm on my feet 9 hours a day and also have chronic pain.  I just found out I am pregnant about 6 hours ago, lol... and already freakin out about everything.  One thing I am trying to find out is any opportunity to work from home with only a highschool diploma but 7 yrs of administrative and property management experience.  Do you know of anything I could do from home on the computer without having to have any type of schooling? Any information would be greatly appreciated. 

 

Thank you.

April

PJ

7/29/09 1:31pm

Hi April,

 

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!  I hope that all works out for you with your conditions, and pain control.  I will answer this in two parts, as I wanted to also tell you that I finally did see my perinatologist, who told me that the dose of Vicodin I take daily will have no affect on the baby, and that with Vicodin, their biggest concerns are withdraws for the baby, and their license liability.  However, I only take it three times daily right now, and the perinatologist said that there is minimal chance of the baby even having withdraws with the low doses I take.  So hopefully that will ease your mind a bit with some of your pain medications, although I am not sure what you are currently taking.  Also, definitely talk to your doctor about it because if there are any other complications in consideration, they may not agree with what my doctors told me.  Just know that some pain medications are perfectly safe during pregnancy. 

 

Now to answer your question about working at home.  I am a Medical Transcriptionist.  You can google it to find schooling for it..  I didn't go to school or specific training for transcription because I had already completed schooling for medical Assisting, and had several years experience in the field already, so it was more of a transition for me...  However, unfortunately, without medical terminology knowledge and some form of medical education, it will be difficult not only to find a job as a transcriptionist, but it will also be very difficult to make a decent income with it.  I had several years experience in the medical field before I started transcribing, and while typing doctors dictations for internal medicine and primary care were somewhat easy, aside from getting used to the coordination of typing what you are hearing, and the quirks each doctor has with his dictation, if you pick up a specialty, such as dermaology, urology, or anything of the sort as I did at first, you will spend a lot of time researching terms, and listening to the dictation over and over. In my first few months, I literally spent 12 hours a day (sometimes including weekends) trying to type an hour long file, just because I was researching, listening, re-listening, caring for my newborn at the time and my 5 year old, as well as trying to keep up all the regular duties of the household.  It wasn't the easiest and I had many days where I just sat down and cried..

 

I would love to be able to tell you it is an easy job, as it sounds like an easy job, but unfortunately, most people don't realize just how difficult it can be.  In fact, they have started calling us Medical Language Specialists, instead of transcriptionists, because without the knowledge of the medical language, it is next to impossible.

 

I would suggest looking for a training course (if you are interested in transcribing), most of which you can do from home on your own time, at your own pace.  That will give you the basis of medical terminology that you need, as well as the training you would need to get a job as a medical transcriptionist.  There are hundreds of companies online that hire you right from your home, some of which will even send you the computer and equipment you need to get started.  I can't say the pay is the greatest when you are first starting out, in fact I was making 10 cents per line with one company in my local area, and after 5 years of experience, I took on a second job with an online company, and they would only pay me 6.5 cents per line, which averages out to about $6.00 an hour, if you can type 65 wpm. 

 

If it is something you are interested in, it can definitely be done, and if you type pretty fast, it will be easier.  But in all honesty, I wouldn't expect it to be able to replace your current income fully, for at least a year, maybe more. 

 

If I can be of any more assistance or you have other questions, feel free to ask.. 

 

Best of luck to you and your growing baby!!!

2nd_on_the_way

1/21/10 8:20am

I hope you have found some answers by the time I'm posting this. It's extremely dangerous to make a pregnant women go cold turkey. Even actual drug addicts that use herion off the street are usually given methadone while they taper off. I don't understand why they'd treat chronic pain patients like criminals, while not even giving them the courtesy of not sending them into withdrawls.

Hi Nicole. I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd child. And this is my 1st pregnancy since I developed chronic pain. I can totally relate to your story. I'm sorry you have had so many issues, and I'm also glad you found good doctors who knew what was best for you.

I also have had to deal with the rampant ignorance and just meanness and intolerance. People think I'm either being selfish and stupid by even thinking of getting pregnant. Or that I must be lying about how sick I really am. Or that my doctors are quacks that will tell their patients whatever they want to hear.

Funny they can't seem to comprehend that there actually are some doctors out there that have experience with this. There are women who have had successful pregnancies, and that have the support to be able to raise the child once they're here. I've had people suggest I should abort or give the child up because I don't understand what I'm getting myself into. THEY are the ones that don't understand!!

Take care, and thank you for writing this. I'm thinking about starting a blog myself about chronic pain & pregnancy. My only fear is it will be found by people who only want to hurt me and spread more ignorance instead of learn from it. The last thing I need is to pour my heart out helping others and get basshed for it. I'm sure you understand!

Nicole

1/22/10 3:49pm

Great post, and yes... I do understand. People can be very ignorant and judgmental. I was very very selective in who I told I was in need of medicine while pregnant. A very small handful knew. It wasn't until after my pregnancy that I opened up about it more. I would suggest you just be careful who you share what with... because pregnancy is such a delicate time to begin with, and you don't need anyone taking away from that experience. We struggle enough with doctors that write us off (and you aren't the first person I've heard from where the doc suggested waiting or aborting b/c of pain - which is outrageous).

 

I have often thought of doing a blog too, but it's so deeply personal I am not sure I could do it either to that extent. Websites like this seem like a safer forum to share experiences with and therefore I tend to "blog" on sites where I may be helping those that are in my position, rather than strangers that don't get it - if that makes sense.  It is helpful to write down your thoughts and all as well though, through shareposts here or other such sites, or a journal, etc.. Even if you don't share your thoughts with anyone, just to write things out.

 

I wish you lots of luck and keep us posted please!!

 

:) Nicole

I read the story from I think it was nicole and was very encouraged that I can do this.  All I have ever wanted was a baby, but a car accident left me with a back that has numerous problems and surgeries.  They say I will always be disabled and at 34 would never work again.  I am coming off some meds now but I am really trying to get info to take to my doctor so it isn't just him telling me what he thinks.  I hope that it will happen for me, I am a fighter but hearing stories of success I feel even for confident.

Thank you

Nicole

3/ 5/10 11:06am

Hi,

So happy to hear that you are going to try. It will be hard, no doubt, but you can do it. Do you have a good support system? What meds are you taking? I prepared with my doctor for our first child and so if you'd like to know more about what I did with him we can chat if you want. I have an email I use here, it's Luv2Laugh06 AT sbcglobal DOT net.

 

I am happy the stories shared here have helped you. There are so many women who are going through this, or just have. I talk to them so often and learn a lot from them too. Mostly, it just shows that we are all stronger than we realize when we want something bad enough!

 

Best of luck, and email me if you'd like.

 

Nicole

Hello,

Congrats!!!!

I was reading about your journey and I really feel your are completely right. It was a comendable job from ur side.

Congrats again!!!!

I have had chronic pain for more than a decade. I am 31 years old. I was on elavil, effexor, valium, and percocet when I found out through an MRI that I was 5 months+ pregnant! I was horrified. We decided against kids because of the disability (I too was on all these meds just to work 20 hours and try to care for myself). My husband had a vasectomy that reversed itself. I was petrified what my meds did to my baby. My pain specialists would not continue meds (to titrate down) without the okay of an OBGYN, but all I had was a gyno at that point. I went to planned parenthood to get an idea of how far along I was (all we were told was pregnant at that point) and get a note giving the okay until I could get in to see an OBGYN (not one would "squeeze me in"). I was crying nonstop worried I had hurt this innocent baby. I went there, they refused to do an ultrasound and told me it was better not to because I had to abort the baby! The meds I was on MUST have caused severe deformities in "the fetus". I left hysterical. They told me I was irresponsible if I tried to have this baby out of guilt, it was unfair to her. They also implied (we had not done the testing yet) that I must have had an affair since my husband had a vasectomy.

  I was a mess. I went to the ER out of sheer exhaustion, confusion and desperation. I had three male doctors and never felt more nurtured! They did an ultrasound, said I was more than 5 months! I had no signs of pregnancy except the start of weight gain (but I was used to bloating with the IBS, so I thought thats what it was). They held my hand and told me they would start the tests to see if any damage was done, to HER. I spent the whole night and following day there seeing every type of specialist and they did dozens of tests - she is fine! I stopped everything except the percocet. Every doctor, including those I followed up with - more than 20! all said my pain level had to be kept managed. Anytime it got too high, her heart went nuts, mine did (I started passing out and they found two holes in my heart) and I had contractions. I have been on bedrest due to the passing out and pain for 3 months now. Because of my back (which has gotten SO much worse through this), we are doing a c-section. The ER sent me to their team of OBGYNs and perinatologists who worked with my pain specialist. The pain has not been good, but I have made it through! She is healthy, 10 fingers, 10 toes, hair!, perfect kidneys, brain, stomach, etc. All tests came back great. She is 20 inches at this point and 8 lbs. It can be done. I wouldn't do it like I did. We did not do a tubal because of my condition, but I will have one done now when they deliver her. If you decide not to have kids, a vasectomy is NOT enough - be careful on top of it!  You cannot unring this bell and the risk to the baby is very real if not done as Nicole did it. I will feel better once she is delivered and I can touch her and KNOW she is perfect. Pictures and test results are not enough! If you want kids and you have chronic pain, you do have the strength to do this. I did it with just the day-to-day support (cleaning, shopping, etc) of my husband. Just find a group of doctors willing to support you and help you. You should be considered high risk because of the chronic pain and be seeing a perinatologist. What medicines to be on - that is a case-by-case basis and no one should be telling you but the docs you decide on! Nicole is right - people love to give advice, criticism, or even unsolicited support that is uncomfortable at times! Just know, it can be done, but it is a lot of work, a lot of pain, a lot of wondering if you can make it the next hour let alone month, and a lot of stress from the uneducated comments, etc. You can make it that next hour, that next day, that next week, month and soon, you are a week away from your delivery date!!!  Do not let anyone tell you which decision is right. I still stand by our decision not to have kids! I dont know how I am going to do this alone when she is born - I do not have a strong support system. God had other plans and I love her and feel blessed, but I would not do it if given the choice. The great thing is, neither decision is wrong! Whichever you decide - you are right and do not be made to feel guilty! Not every doctor will take you off of your pain meds. Once an OBGYN signed off, my pain specialist has kept me on. I voluntarily have been tapering as we get closer to due date.

Nicole

12/23/10 4:25pm

Wow... that is one of THE most incredible stories I have EVER heard! You are amazing! Congratulations on a little girl first off, they are just wonderful in my opinion!  Second, what strength you had/have! I think the meds you were on are not "automatic birth defect" meds to the point you'd need to abort the baby - at five months on top of it... SO glad you didn't do that and that you got more opinions! Perintologists are the best for us in chronic pain, and I am so glad you are able to stay on the percocet a little to help. I've known many women on that medicine while pregnant and did just fine! I know it's not the same seeing the ultrasound and tests in that fashion versus holding her and seeing her and knowing she's ok. You won't truly feel that relief until she's in your arms and screaming like she's supposed to right! It is by far the BEST sound in the entire world!! I had a c-section too due to my pain and injuries. You will have that little girl in your arms soon!! wow.. I'm still in shock over what an ordeal you've been through. I guess you were meant to be a mother! :)  It IS hard as you said, and you will need some support, even if just through writing other women that are going through it... but you will do it and I bet you will surprise yourself. Everyone asks me how I do it, but really it's just one foot in front of the other. As a mother, you don't have a choice... you just DO it. It is one of THE hardest things I've ever done, having a child while in chronic pain, but by far the most rewarding experience, and I wouldn't trade it for the world!

 

let us know when baby girl arrives, and thank you thank you thank you for sharing your story! You do have a lot of support here if you want/need it. I haven't been on here in a while as I'm going through a lot on my end, but I do read the updates and just wanted to say how very proud I am of you! Good for you for reaching out to doctors, for being as strong as you can be, and you are simply amazing!

 

All my best & happy holidays!

Nicole

anon99

2/15/11 10:55am

I can't believe I haven't found this discusion before now! 

 

I have suffered from chronic pain for almost 4 years now, only controlled by nartcotics. We were trying to get pregnant when I got hurt, and it was about a year-and-a-half before I began to get my life back together. Part of that was finding out that I COULD get pregnant and carry a baby while on them. 

 

It took us a LONG time to get here, because of other underlying issues discovered around the same time... but now I am 5-and-a-half months pregnant. 

 

I am an educated person, and well-versed in human anatomy in fact, and still had no idea that narcotics have been used for a very long time iin pregnancy and have no effects on the baby development. 

 

I know this post is very old, but I wanted to post a link to an organization that helped me to gather information to take to my OB and my Pain management doc. 

 

Interestingly, both the OB and the Pain management doc gave their blessing without any convincing on my part.  I cried in both offices in fact... because I was so worried they would not support me. My GP however, despite the specialists opinion and the research does not. (jerk)

 

anyway... for someone looking to get started:

 

http://www.otispregnancy.org/

 

is an organization that helps with maternal exposure. In fact, I am now trying to determine if breastfeeding is an option using them as a guide! 

 

So, if your doctors are trying to make you go through withdrawl (VERY bad for baby) or you need help, start here to get the information you need, and work to find a pain management and high-risk-OB to help you. Be your own advocate, they are out there!

Nicole

2/15/11 12:13pm

So glad you have found support and that you are on your way to a healthy baby!

I just wanted to add that I don't know what meds you are taking, but I stayed on my medicine, even went back to the "normal" dose I was on before I lowered it for pg, while breastfeeding. I only breastfed for about six months, but that wasn't really due to my meds, it just sort of happened like that.  Anyway I saw no issues with my daughter and as you may know breastfeeding is so good for them even if you can only do it a few weeks - they benefit greatly. It also is a little bit of a natural weaning process re: the meds depending on which meds you are on. Some meds don't pass through breastmilk, some pass through a lot, and in between.   Good luck to you and thanks for the info on the other link. I will have to look that up.

 

best to you and baby!

nicole

Michelle

5/30/11 10:12pm

It is amazing for all of you to share your stories. I have had chronic back pain for 8 years now. I am only 22 and have been on pain meds for the last two years. I was terrified of the thought of never being able to start a family. Then I started working in our hospitals NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). After talking to our neonatalogists about the subject, they all agreed that a doctor telling you to completely stop while pregnant should have their license revoked for malpractice. It is SO much more dangerous to completely stop rather than stay on what you are already taking. After everything I have seen in our unit, it has made me realize that most of the babies with moms who were either on prescribed pain meds or on subutex had little to no symptoms of withdrawal. So PLEASE before any of you pregnant chronic pain patents get scared and go cold turkey, go talk to a neonatalogist about it. Good luck to all of you!!

momtobe

5/31/11 7:18pm

I did give birth to a beautiful baby girl. The pain meds and my condition had not harmed her at all. We were still debating adoption as my pain was out of control by the time she was born. I was unable to care for myself and my husband was the only one making any money. We had  adoptive parents picked out and they knew we were unsure of our decision, but they knew we had no family or friends to support us, so they were there for her birth, as our friends. They were there for us, even knowing we would most likely raise her ourselves. They brought a lifetime of presents! They were also there for us when she passed away. a few hours later. All the worrying I did about my meds and a blood clot I had passed to her. They were so worried about my clotting disorder, but my body reacted and prepared itself for childbirth and overclotted. There was nothing they could do for her. I am just now able to talk about it. I had 3 wonderful hours where I felt NO pain while holding her. What a gift! I think God knew I physically could not be the mother I wanted to be. The walks, the play dates, the sports, and activities. But HE gave me the greatest experience of my life. To all of you going through the heartache of trying to bring a child into a world of chronic pain, it can be done, it is worth it, and you will not be depriving or harming your child in any way. Being an advocate during the process for your pain is also being an advocate for you child. Thank you all for the amazing knowledge and support. What a difference it makes to know you are not alone. The adoptive parents were the only ones at the funeral with us and their names are on her headstone as her parents as well - they were there for her first breath (in the operating room), her first photo (ultrasound) and her final breath and my mental breakdown. They have since adopted a baby boy. We are the Godparents! Amazing how life brings us together. Jaden is the light of our lives and we get to see him weekly and get a taste of being parents. After my neck surgery, we are planning his first visit to Disney World! It is more for us than him of course!

Hi.  I enjoyed reading this.  My name is Jacinda.  I am 30 and this is my first pregnancy.  I am currently 28 weeks.  I have SUFFERED through this whole thing.  My doctors avoid it and won't treat it.  They tell me if it gets bad enough to go to the ER.  So, I will go to the ER and of course they will give me a shot of morphine (it has been the most studied pain med for pregnancy) and then send me home with a small supply of Vicodin, about enough to last me 2-3 weeks (if I use it sparingly once a day when it gets so bad Im gritting my teeth) until the next inevitable ER visit.  Then my doctors will shake their heads at me and cluck their tongues and tell me how bad it is to take pain meds while pregnant.  I use to take nerve blocks, anti-inflammatories, and a flurry of other meds to BARELY manage my pain as it was....and then I found out I was pregnant.  It has been a frustrating, depressing, lonely, judgemental road and I am still on it.  I also use to take Zoloft to manage depression and panic attacks.  I spend a majority of my day in bed, on a heating pad, crying or praying for the pain to subside JUST enough to be able to relax and enjoy this miracle baby that I have been waiting forever for.  This causes me MORE stress, MORE depression, MORE feelings of isolation and fear and loneliness and hopelessness.  I will express this to my doctors and they have offered me counseling.  To me, that is just another reason to have to get out of bed, shower in the morning (I hurt myself everytime I shave my legs or wash my hair), make a painful trip to sit in someones uncomfortable office and talk about something that I FEEL in my body that I am SURE can be treated but no one will help.  I have been put in physical therapy (for the 8th time since my injuries and it has NEVER helped).  I cry quietly as I go through the exercises and listen to the over-confidence of the thearpist that he is somehow going to cure me, knowing this isnt working and in fact for the rest of the day I will be in MORE pain for having to get up, dressed, take the car ride there, sit in the waiting room, and have someone forcefully manipulate my muscles when they have no idea of my condition.  I NEVER NEVER NEVER want to be pregnant again.  I have shame over this.  I wanted this to be something that was beautiful, to bond me to my child and instead I feel guilt when I lay in bed and cry while everyone "helpfully" tells me, "The baby feels everything you are feeling so you should try to relax!!".  I want to give up every day and I fight to smile when she kicks, it is the only moments of joy I have.  I just needed to share this.  I feel alone.