<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" ?>

Something I learned in my pain management classes has really been running through my head the past few days. When discussing all of the things that come up in a day, and trying to balance them along with managing your pain, the instructor would remind us that "saying no to ____" really is "saying yes to yourself.” He would remind us how incredibly important this was to put ourselves first in order to better manage our pain.  If I would cancel an appointment with him because my pain was too great that day, he would say "nicole, that's great you are saying yes to yourself today... please rest." Gosh, if only everyone could understand that way!

I'm finding myself on the verge of another big flare. I have a new baby and the demands of that emotionally, along with the physical part of it (lifting her, bending to change her, carrying her constantly, positions to breastfeed, etc.) are really doing a number on my muscles. Even just putting your neck in the position to look down at her all the time (which I can't help but stare at her!) is really causing some pain...actually a golf ball sized knot to be exact. On top of that, the anxiety that comes with being a new mom, the incredible sleep deprivation, the challenges in your marriage, etc. all of adds up. Toss in the triggers that were all there before this new bundle, and I've gotten myself a plate full of things contributing to my pain flare. Although, another element has come up that is new for me... the constant flow of people and obligations to them....the stress/anxiety that is putting on me.

I really am grateful for the people that are coming to meet my daughter, and how everyone is so excited for her, but it's been nine weeks now non-stop... and I think I have had at least one visitor every day on average, along with our other obligations of appiontments, errands, etc. This past week I had three people here at once, each night for four nights in a row…and each weekend we’ve had family events or other guests. All of this is taking its toll on my body. I enjoy my space, my time alone, and especially now when I'm learning how to balance being a new mom, a wife, etc. and still having chronic pain… oh, and throw in recovering from a cesarean. I miss the days of my husband and I wondering why nobody ever calls us or comes over! Sounds awful to say, but this is my journal so there ya go!

I am often a person that feels guilty when I have to turn down someone. I feel this incredible pressure lately to go with “their” schedules, despite how I feel. Most people take it personally if I reschedule (including some family members)... so I guess I tend to just go along with it to make them happy. I feel obligated to entertain on three hours of sleep. I don't have the swarms of helpful family members around to pitch in with errands and chores the way some women do. I have a husband who works more than full time, so I am the one here when the visitors come and go, good day or bad, sleep or not. How come people don’t realize (even those with kids themselves) that a brand new baby is a 24 hour job? (I don't expect them to understand chronic pain, but I imagined they'd get the "new baby" stuff).  I have no schedule anymore, I can’t plan in advance easily, it’s truly day by day.. hour by hour sometimes!  I feel so badly that I am annoyed by it all…because I know their intentions are pure, but I think two months of this constant flow of guests is really burning me out.