PS- I wasn't going to say anything about my condition, but if you want to skip all of the depressing stuff and go to why I am in so much pain, just skip to "Here it is:"
I am a 29 year old woman trapped inside of the body of a 100 year old woman. When I say things like that professionals immediately refer me to a shrink. I have been diagnosed with everything you can think of by psychiatrists. I cannot control my anger sometimes, and I sometimes wish I lived somewhere nobody knows me. I know it is terrible and wrong to think this, but there are times I wish I would just develop a terminal illness that kills me rapidly. Something like cancer. Whatever kind manifests the fastest, and kills me very very quickly (not lung cancer. I smoke, and that would mean it was my fault, and everyone would just act pissed off with me. They would whisper amongst themselves outside my hospital room. They would say, "It's just too bad she did this to herself" "I warned her......"). I imagine all of my friends and family rallying around me, loving me. Not leaving my side until it is all over. Then they would imagine me as I was when I was happy. When I was ME. They could take my "BAD" behavior and depression, and chalk it all up to the (brain tumor?) chronic illness.
The real condition I have is chronic pain. It is chronic, but unfortunately, it is not terminal. People look at me and see a healthy girl. They say, "You are so young, you have your whole life ahead of you." Those words are the most depressing thing I have ever heard in my whole life. Telling me that I have another 40 to 50 years of this? Please, please just stab me in the chest. Over and over. Until I am gone, and I finally have peace. Most doctors I see just put me on anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, sleeping pills, etc. In essence, the tail has been waging the dog since this all started. Chronic Narcotic Dependence has been out of the question for so long, but I don't know what else to do. At one point, about 6 months ago I had a psychiatrist that kept saying over and over, Anna, I want to help you, I want to help you. He must of felt the contempt I had for him. He just kept adding psych drugs. I would say, "Aren't seroquel, zyprexa, and Geodon the same thing really? He would say, "No, they are all anti-psychotics, but they all work a bit differently." At one point, this last year I was on 15 different psych meds. I was determined a danger to myself and others and committed to the state hospital. I had seizures in my car and caused accidents. I have no quality of life. None. I have to act happy so that I will not be put into the psych unit. I would talk about the source of my pain. It is real. About 2 weeks ago there was an x-ray that revealed, and validated why I would be in so much pain for the last 14 years. It is all just too, new to me. I am kind of in shock. I was brainwashed for so long to think that it was all in my head. Or that I was just a drug addict, and all I wanted was drugs to get high. It is irritating that other people can get high on even the psych meds I take, like seroquel or adderal. I am told it makes me "better" when others observe me, but I am far from feeling high. I have a lot of doctors cut consultations short because they believe I am a med seeker. When I was committed to the state hospital the team of county workers deemed me as "chemically dependent." Years and years ago, when my mother noticed I was taking a lot of narcotics I considered the diagnosis based on the fact that most people that have it are in denial in the beginning. i have been to treatments, and the therapy, and group, friends are awesome. A 12 step program would never hurt anyone so I emersed myslef into it. One of the most attractive parts of considering myself as simply a drug addict is the fact that recovery is possible. You can have a wonderful and happy life if you take the steps, get a sponsor, and go to meetings every day. For a long time I would repeat in my head over and over one of their catch phrases, "fake it till you make it." I always felt there was something missing, though. One obvious thing to others, was that I couldn't sit throung a whole meeting. I would go smoke and pace outside. My sponsor would get on my case, and say, "You are missing the miracle." I wanted to tell her I was in pain, and it hurt to sit that long. I think I did a couple of times, and she thought I meant emotional pain.
When you go to a Dr, they are working FOR you! Remind them of this. If you are not happy, it is not illegal to search for someone whom you are ccomfortable with. Doctors have recently been forced by the DEA to require urine testing? These doctors are basically saying that they do not believe what their clients are telling them. The first thing that a 'Sports Med' doc wanted was my urine. I have lower back pain from a short life of hard living. So now I am without my medication I need to work. I am drinking a beer now hoping that it will make me feel better until an appointment I made with a friends Dr next week. I too am young and have gone through numerous physical therapies, local shots, and three epiderals in my spine. I would do anything to feel better... Do I want to take narcotic pain killers everyday? NO. Do I just want to not feel the pain? YES. How is this wrong>/\\*^$
You have no idea how much you took the words out of my mouth by the last thing you said. It is really annoying that people go to the doctor and get narcotics because their feelings are hurt or whatever. It puts a lot of pressure on the docs. I have been in so many situations where their hands are tied. My shrink sent me to a doc a few months ago that prescribes narcotics. I listened to the consult in the next room before he came in to see me. He seemed like such an *****, and I cannot work with someone that only gives me 5 minutes. If I am going to take serious measures with this I have to have a doc that pays a bit more attention. My body is rejecting medicine left and right. I have been ruined by all of the alternative measures to treat something so simple. People have had pain since the dawn of time. Narcotics, benzos, whatever are miracle drugs when used properly. I take adderal for ADD/ADHD, and people have offered to buy it from me. I have had roommates steal my meds to get high, and I am creeped out. I don't get high off of it, because it treats a real problem. I don't take more than I am prescribed, but there are lots of people out there that lose control, and have to steal. They are also sick people so I don't hold resentments. I just move. When they steal my meds or offer to buy them I always want to say, "Would you walk up to someone in a wheelchair and offer them cash so that you can wheel around and have a good time? Meanwhile the guy you got it off of is in a bush somewhere."
I am really sick, and I attract sick people. I am 29, and my boyfriend is a 56 yr. old every nite blackout drinker I take care of. I immediately connected with him when we met because he is so cynical about his illness. I have to laugh at myself sometimes, too. I just hate it when he lectures me, and says it is all in my head. He says I create my symptoms myself. It is hard to take advice from someone that drinks vodka and tequila straight every nite to deal with his own ailments. I haven't drank in years. I just end up super fucked up when I do drink. It also causes seizure for me, so the option is not there. I used to drink a lot to escape the physical pain and insomnia and so on. I do connect with alcoholics to a point. As I said, though, all they have to do is heal their mind. Those ****** don't know how good they have it. All they have to do is sit around in a circle and blab about their messed up childhoods. It goes beyond that for me. I wish wish wish I was just a plain old drunk, junkie, or whatever. They say the grass is always greener, but that idea just makes me angry. You have no idea how much anger is inside of me. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I am not stupid, and unfortunately I am not a drug addict. Those guys have a solution. My reality is much more complicated. I know there is no fairy dust or magic wand someone can wave, but I am having a hard time even knowing what is real and what is psychosomatic. Most of my emotional baggage stems from my pain. The tail has been waging the dog for 14 years. I am ready and willing to try something new. I can't seem to get away from abusive relationships. I always run into the arms of someone or something that causes more harm. I want to address the root of the problem, NOW. How do I find a doctor that understands? I have accomplished a lot by finding this forum. Now what?
Carla passed away oct. 9 - o8 and she will be missed :(