I don't know what to do from here. I just know I am miserable.

I think that was what was missing.  The addicts that I met in the program took drugs or drank or whatever primarily because of emotional pain.  I didn't relate to that.  

I would take drugs or sometimes drink because I wanted to be "out."  Emotional pain would drive me to do it, but the emotional pain, and many times the delerious thinking would be caused by my inablility to lay down without pain.  When I am running around distracting myself I am atleast surviving.  When I lay I just obsess on how much it hurts, physically.  The longer I would force myself to stay in bed the worse things would be.  Shaking, cold sweats, buckets and buckets of tears streaming down past my temples and into my hair.  My jaw clenched as I breathed hard through my nose so I wouldn't wake anyone up.  In my head over and over I just say Please god Please god I am sorry for whatever I did.  I am sorry Please forgive me Please Please heal me or take me.  I don't want to be here with these people who love me so much and can't stop wanting to help me, but don't have any idea who or what I am.  I try to tell them.  They don't understand.  Please take me away from them I think it hurts them to see me like this.  If I ever showed them how I really feel inside I think it would make them go away.  I need people, but it hurts to be with people that want me to be someone else.  Especially since I try to be someone else, anyone else.

Here it is: When I was 15 I had a rollerblading accident, and needed an x-ray.  This small accident revealed a grapefruit size Schwanoma Tumor in my chest cavity.  It moved my heart 3 inches and my right lung was in the shape of an hour glass.  I had no symptoms, but the doctors told me that eventually without removal it would have damaged the communication from my brain to my extremities.  Schwanomas are nerve tumors usually the size of a pea.  This giant one was putting dangerous pressure on my spine.  They went through my back to get it out and the surgery was considered a success.  I went back for 6 month, 1 year, 2 year, and a 5 year check up.  Every time they would run tests, and say I was good to go.  I constantly told the doc I was having a lot of pain.  the right side of my upper back stayed swelled for a couple years, and he said that would go away.  I believed him.  At my 5 year check up I was so nervous, because I was sure there was something wrong.  Again, though, A clean bill of health was given.  I complained of pain again.  He asked me to describe what the pain felt like.  "Is it a stabbing, dull, sharp.....?  I have always had a vivid description of how it felt, and sometimes when I describe the pain it freaks people out.  I said, "It feels like someone sliced me open,  dumped their loose change in me and then sewed me back up."  He told me to join the swim team.  I did join.  I never got anything but last place in every race.  The coach often wondered why I was there.  Other times I would describe the pain to people and say, "It feels like there is something stuck in there."