Lived in the desert for 30+ years, recently moved to Bay Area.  Diagnosed with chronic depression, and dealing with fibro on a daily basis.  Have a great family who are very supportive.

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SHATTERED

KAT UPDIKE

3-22-05

YEARS OF MEMORIES ARE JUST GONE, ONCE AND A WHILE A FRAGMENT WILL PASS BEFORE ME. LIKE A DREAM, AN ILLUSION WITH NO MASS, LIKE LOOKING THROUGH THE FOG AND NOT SEEING CLEARLY.

LIFE IS LIKE A BROKEN MIRROR ON THE COLD GROUND. THE PIECES STARE BACK AT ME EMPTY AND COLD AS MY HEART. COVERED IN THE BLOOD OF MY BODY, I HAVE SPILLED IN THE NAME OF INSANITY. THE SHARD'S OF GLASS CALL TO ME, SOME PRIMAL URGE TO CUT AGAIN TO TASTE THE SWEET TASTE OF MY BLOOD AGAIN.

IT SEEMS TO ME THE MORE I HAVE THE MORE I CAN LOSE, STRIPPED AWAY LIKE HOPE. MY HOME, FAMILY, LOVE AND WEALTH CAN VANISH SO QUICKLY IT MAKES MY MIND SWOON. IN A FLASH LIFE BECOMES EMPTY AND SAD. THE ALL THAT I WAS IS GONE AND I AM BACK TO THE SADNESS OF YOUTH.

A FEW WORDS SAID IN ANGER WILL SET ME BACK YEARS. THE PAIN I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER FEEL AGAIN IS BACK. IT CUTS LIKE A KNIFE, DEEP, EVEN DEEPER WHEN THE WORDS COME FROM A LOVED ONE OR SOMEONE TRUSTED.

I TRY TO MAKE SENSE OF WHO AND WHAT I HAVE BECOME. I PICK THE PIECES OF MIRROR OFF THE GROUND, THEY CUT ME TO THE BONE. THE BLOOD COURSES THROUGH MY VEINS. I AM LIKE THE FRAGMENTS OF GLASS SCATTERED AND BROKEN.