MASQUERADE

I AWAKE EARLY, MY MIND RACING AND NOT ABLE TO SLOW IT DOWN. I FEEL SICK, MY STOMACH HURTS, MY HEAD ACHES, WITH A STIFFNESS WHICH RUNS FROM THE BACK OF MY RIGHT EAR TO MY SHOULDER.

LAYING IN BED, I LISTEN TO MY HUSBAND FAST ASLEEP. I QUIETLY SLIP OUT OF BED SO I DO NOT WAKE HIM. IT IS BAD ENOUGH I CAN NOT SLEEP.

I FEEL OLD TODAY, I CAN NOT PRETEND TO ACT LIKE NOTHING IS WRONG. MY PRETEND FACE, MY MASK DOES NOT FIT RIGHT THIS MORNING.

SOMETIMES I WONDER IF MY WHOLE LIFE IS A MASQUERADE, TRYING TO BE ANYONE EXCEPT MYSELF. I FEAR I CAN NOT EVEN TRUST MY OWN MIND. I WONDER WHO I REALLY AM.

THERE SEEMS TO BE SO MANY CONTRADICTIONS IN MY LIFE. I MUST HIDE THE PAIN THAT PUSHES MY SOUL INTO THE DEPTHS OF DESPAIR.

SOMETIMES I WONDER IF THIS LIFE IS REAL OR JUST A CREATION OF MY MIND, OR MAYBE A NIGHTMARE I CAN NOT WAKE UP FROM.

THE ANSWERS TO MY QUESTIONS ELUDES ME AND I SLIP ON MY MASK AND CONTINUE THE MASQUERADE.

KAT UPDIKE

9-8-08