So tired, feeling like laying down and quit

By Emmie Friday, November 20, 2009

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My name is Emmie and I just found this site and I need this site. I am 41 and have been in chronic severe lower back pain that radiates down both legs plus frequent migraines for over 10 yrs after I was injured at work taking care of patients. Never did I imagine the pain would be permanent. My life has just shattered into pieces. I can't take of patients anymore so they created a job that was part time and allowed me time to get up and walk around, stretch, go to Dr.'s appts. and P.T. I have fought to keep that job for 5 yrs but was laid off a yr. ago. I've been through almost any outpatient procedures you can name, been through all the meds and all types of physical therapy. I cant have children due to the pain and that destroyed all my dreams for the future as I saw that family I dreamed of fade away, my career is almost gone and I and my husband have been laid off for a yr. Between all the pain, procedures and meds I have become so tired not only physically but mentally and spiritually. I'm depressed because I have lost all my friends as they con't with their lives and I'm stuck - unable to do much. I look around and see a house that's dusty, dirty floors and a garden that's fading It gets me so down and I'm so sick and tired of the pain, Dr's visits,being broke, etc. Can you all relate (i'm sure many of you can) and what do you do when you keep hitting that wall. I feel like everytime something good happens and I start to get positive something happens that knocks me back down. People look at me and don't see anything obviously wrong with me and they can't imagine the pain I'm in. I've prayed myself crazy about the pain, loss of being able to have a baby and for a job for me and my husband and I just don't feel God or see his work around me. Any suggestions?

down and alone

Comments (9) | Add comment

mary sims

11/20/09 1:45pm

God. I am crying as I write this. I was injured at work in 2005. I had 2 back surgeries and now I need a fusion in my neck. When it seems like nobody cares, GOD HEARS OUR CRIES AN OUR EVERY MOAN FROM THE PAIN. Sometimes I sit and look at my pain. I watch it radiate down my back and in my hips. I see it run down my thigh an thru my calf and in my feet. The pain is horrible but it subsides only to come back with vengence. The pain pills only mask the pain and seperate me from the world. I know you are onely in your pain. But this is a new way of life and you can get thru it. You can force yourself to do some of the things that you want to do. The pain is going to be there anyway, so go ahead and do something to have a reason for pain. Have a baby if you want to. Work in the garden if you want to, write a book about you pain. Be an inspiration to others who suffer with pain. You can make it, I know this will happen. God will bless you so anundantantly, You just wait and see. I love you and hold on!

Mary Sims

badpree

11/20/09 3:30pm

Are you a Christian? If you are, there is no other book of the Bible to read but JOB. Job was an upright man and favored in God's eyes. The Devil saw this and asked God if he could test Job's faith. God said go right ahead. The Devil threw everything he had at Job and he nevered lost his faith in God. Did he wonder why God had allowed all of this to happen to him, absolutely! Did he feel like God had abandoned him, absolutely! But the moral of the story is this...he never gave up the faith he had that God would oversee his life and bring him to redemption. It was that way then and it's that way now. God never changes. Wishing that God, our Father in heaven, will recognize your needs and help you. Don't be afraid to ask him!

AMEN

11/21/09 12:18am

AMEN, SISTER. I WOULD have done myself in if I DIDN't believe in our Almighty Father who is the ONLY thing that can bring me peace and comfort through what i consider 'hell on earth'. He offers a peace that is not comprehendable by mere men. His

Word is true. And, it's also FREE for all of us that's another positive. We are not to understand His ways...we are not cursed or being punished for our sins and some like to believe when they see us that way. People have to find reasons sometimes why God is letting this happen to us. He said this world would not be easy. I am thankful I live here vs other countries. I try to be thankful in anything possible. Do I feel depression come over me stilll? OF course I do....but when I bring my eyes back on Him, it can overcome it, just being in His Word. If nothing else has worked for any of you, this is just something you could try. I praise you Jesus through this storm and count it all joy. Thank you for blessing and loving me. May His Will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

PainSufferer22

11/21/09 7:16am

Emmie I feel your frustration & pain. Im 49, I had a high paying job & in 1992 quit due to fibro. I thought it would go away some day. It hasnt. It got worse & worse. I look normal but every part of me hurts. I lost my sister, my friends & various others because they cant or wont understand this and wont cut me any slack about not being able to do things when they want me to all the time. My sister espec has been a total bitch to me. As a result havent seen or heard from her in 3 yrs! This all adds to my pain. My husband is usually supportive but he resents me I know at times. He does the shopping, the bulk of the cleaning etc. He is healthy & retired at 56 so I feel he should do these things and not resent someone who is sick with pain I didnt sign up for. He does a shitty job at cleaning any way! I too have had it. With good support I could do sooo much better; but my daughter also questions and second guesses the dr's and the meds and me at times, too many times actually. She rarely bothers with me any more (shes 32), THAT has destroyed me. I've done sooo much for her & she just abandons me. Im diabetic as well, depressed (who wouldnt be?) and now have to worry about losing my pain relief-the Fentanyl patch (100) because my dr thinks that after I lose alot of weight (IM having gastric bypass in Mar) I'll be magically cured!! What an asshole. And after 8 yrs on it! And 3 yrs of oxycontin before that! I saw an episode on Nurse Jackie where a friend of hers was dying of lung cancer and came in asking her to let her end her life peacefully & painlessly with an overdose of morphine. They all gathered up enough morphine for a fatal dose & put it in a glass of champagne. She drank it and peacefully, painlessly went to sleep. How I envied her at that moment!! Sometimes I wish so much I could get my hands on 300 mgs liquid morphine to end my suffering & despair. But short of going to Mexico I have no idea where to get it & how & if its real etc. I may have to pursue it some day. Any suggestions on how are welcome. Thanks for letting me vent as I have nowhere else to do it.

Emmie

11/21/09 11:30pm

Painsufferer22 don't ever think of hurting yourself!!God loves me and you even if we are suffering and don't know why. Are you a Christian - if not please get a bible and start reading it and talk to God. Believe me I have have yelled and cried and spent so much time praying and asking why? and I can't handle this and please don't give me anything else to handle because I feel like I'm hanging on with my fingernails and doing the best I can. I don't know why this world is this way and there are times I want to lay down and give up but then I make myself get up and watch TV, read, etc. It's a way to escape for a while. I will be praying for you! Don't give up even though things are so tough. Keep talking to people here and venting your feelings and know we care and we understand you because we are hurting emotionally and physically right here beside you. We all need to take care of each other in our tough times. I hope this helps.

PainSufferer22

11/22/09 7:30am

Yes Emmie I am a Christian. Thanks for the kind & wise words. Its nice to be able to talk to others in the same boat. I'll pray for you too.

jodi lynn

11/23/09 7:13pm

Emmie: you are not nuts- what you are experiencing is "normal" I am an x RN - 3 years ago iwas in a jeep rollover in which i almost died. I suffered extreme injuries. spinal cord, head injury, broke c6&7, T8-11. I was basically a trainwreck. I had to learn to walk again etc. i have a paralyed left hand. i am still in the physical and emotional healing process. it takes 5-10 years to turn to some nowmalacy after being a trauma pt. i lost all my money- had to move in with a parent- relquished all retirremtn accounts. the sickening thing is that i lost my fight with soc. secirity disability 3 times. i now have a lawyer. i also suffer from migraines and find that aprt from going through 26 tabs of imitrex, relapax etc i am now on that still with MS contin. i find MS contin controls my migraines immensley. i was against all pain meds not wanting to turn into a junkie but i had to give in for some quality of life. bad things just happen to good people- but with some good people in your life you can turn it around- i did. good luck and never give up hope.

Anonymous

11/23/09 10:42pm

Hi Jodi Lynn,

That accident sound horrible. I know you must have had 1 heck of a recovery. Glad that you're walking,etc. I know it's so difficult to make yourself get up and moving everyday. I feel like, in addition to pain meds, I'm losing my mind. I can't remember things, concentrate and think well anymore. Thank goodness my husband has been great and is so helpful but I want to do things like cleaning house, mopping, etc but the pain increases so much and then I am so weak that my back totally cramps up and I can barely move. Do you have this kind of thing. I feel like I'm 80. My husband and I have been umemployed for over a yr. and we having no retirement funds or savings. So I stress out because not only am I dealing with the pain, the docs and worker's comp, etc. How have you made it through & deal with the feelings. I feel so useless and helpless because I can't clean house, etc like I really want to (I think you could write your name in the dust - now that's bad!). At first during the yrs. right after accident I could laugh instead of crying but now I have lost my sense of humor for the most part. Let me know, if you don't mind, what you must do to get disability, etc I don't know a lot about how they charge, how long it takes to ge it.

I hope you are having a really good day - sorry I went on and on.

Ann

12/29/09 12:23am

I hear you all. Every one of you. Our stories are all the same. PAIN. Yes, we may have had different causes, but the outcomes speak of loss, pain, disappointment, sadness and the inability to have the life we all once knew. I was injured as were you. Today my pain was so unbearable I could not get out of bed. I had to cancel my doctor and physical therapy appointments. My children vary in reponse to how I feel. My oldest son ignores it all both in person and on the telephone. My middle one gets angry and tells me to call the doctor, take more meds, rest more and my youngest is saddened by the loss of his mother as he knew me. My sister who lives far away is always calling with a a new diagnosis or a new prayer or a new idea. I hear you all. I feel for you. There is help on the way. This is it. Ready. You are in control of you. I promise you this. Try it and let me know if it helps you. My doctors say this is permanent and there is nothing more to do. So after trying more doc's, they say more surgeries or more meds. I want the old me back more than my kids do or the doctora do. So do you and I hear and feel you. My kids all live close by and you know why they don't. For those who have help.. really you are so lucky. For thosse who do not .. remember you can do it. I had to learn to walk again and learn how to hold things in my hands. Fibromyaglia, from being hit by a car as a pedestrian. Neck and spinal cord bulging and herniated discs pressing on nerves even after all the procedures from the woman who carelessly changed my life which they say was an accident.Shoulder surgery to rpair the torn rotator cuff. Broken wrist after 2 surgeries and probably one more to go -- they are saying that lifting 5 pound weight 3x a day will get rid of the pain to avoid surgery, Here is the answer. I promise you. Ready..." The answer is YOU! No one knows you like you do. I listen to me. If I can not go, I don't go like today. I take my meds and rest. I stay on the heating pad for my spinal injuries. I rest. I take my meds and I eat healthy. I have lived alone since the accident and no one has helped me. Please stay with me. I am in contant pain that at best with meds go down to a 6 and uisually is about an 8 or 9 or 10 in the morning. So ... I can not give up. I refse to feel sorry for me. I was given this and so I have PAIN. I am so sorry to hear of your pain and your suffering. I wish I could make it go away. I would. But hear me. You can do it. If you need different meds tell your doc or find a new one. If your body says no... and you can't clean then hire someone, ignore it or do one thing a day. That's what I do. I come first. Then, when you know you are in charge of you, you will feel better. Rest, do one thing, eat healthy and repeat it. I promise. Right now I have to stop because my wrist hurts so badly.

Love yourself. Write me please. We are not alone. WE HAVE PAIN AND THAT IS OKAY.

Learn to love yourself in a new way. Oh, and by the way, when I injured 2 years ago, they fired me. G-d Bless.

So tired, feeling like laying down and quit

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