How can I help my husband cope ?

stressin1 Community Member July 27, 2007
  • My husband suffers from chronic pain due to DDD, failed back surgery and nerve damage. He is having a lot of trouble and more pain than usual. I am getting frustated because I don't know how to help. He is in a downward spiral and I believe his doctor doesn't believe him. He is becoming very depressed and I no longer recognize the person he is after 17 years together. I was hoping to find anyone who suffers with chronic pain and their advice on what  their spouse does that helps.Or maybe how family members help their loved ones. Thanks
63 Comments
  • mommy_sunflower
    Aug. 18, 2014

    In 2011 he a ruptured disc in his back.  They did surgery,  but due to his job in the military after his official recovery period they sent him back to full duty.  Within weeks he was in pain again.  Started with steroid shots that didn't help.  Then he had the injection to help with the nerves.  That worked for about 6 months....

    RHMLucky777

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    In 2011 he a ruptured disc in his back.  They did surgery,  but due to his job in the military after his official recovery period they sent him back to full duty.  Within weeks he was in pain again.  Started with steroid shots that didn't help.  Then he had the injection to help with the nerves.  That worked for about 6 months.  They did another MRI and they say he herniated the disc above and below the pervious surgery.  So shots again and nothing is working now.  And the other day he got out if bed heard something and now he can't even put on his dock and shoes.   Pretty sure he ruptured another disc.   Waiting to see Dr on friday.    

  • iambubblebee
    Mar. 15, 2014

    My husband and I both suffer from chronic pain.  His stems from 16 military related surgeries throughout his body. Mine from being hit by an 18 wheeler resulting in me having artificial discs placed in my spine as well as pins and rods with a fusion that never completely fused. 

    It is a constant and daily struggle for us both as well as depression...

    RHMLucky777

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    My husband and I both suffer from chronic pain.  His stems from 16 military related surgeries throughout his body. Mine from being hit by an 18 wheeler resulting in me having artificial discs placed in my spine as well as pins and rods with a fusion that never completely fused. 

    It is a constant and daily struggle for us both as well as depression because our heads can tell us what we have to do each day but our bodies don't always cooperate. Rainy and cold weather make it even worse.  The only thing I can suggest is to never give up and try to push yourself.  I seem to do this a tad better than my husband but I believe that to be because we have a 12 year old son and I don't want to be a neglectful mother.  However,  it seems that more often than not I have to push my husband a bit harder.  I typically try to wake him up when I get up to at least take meds so that they are in his system when I try to wake him up a second time.  I also try to be extremely sensitive to his ego so.I don't sound like a nagging wife. Even though we can empathize with the others pain, no one truly knows how much pain the other individual is experiencing.  There are days I do for him and days he does for me.  Everyone who has chronic pain suffers and deals with it in their own way.  Today it's raining.  Today I hurt more than usual.  Ive been trying to get my husband up for about an hour because HE needs to be up to do something only he can do. However,  if I'm in pain than I know he's in pain and I realize that.  Therefore,  since Ive given him his meds already I will try again to get him going NICELY.  Coffee is made and I'll try to be patient.  Our quality of life is not what it used to be but we try to do the best with what we have because life is what we make it and we're blessed to still have one.

     

     

  • Anonymous
    eileen
    Sep. 13, 2013

    I am sitting here reading these posts and am amazed since it often feels like I am the only one going through this. Not that I am glad that anyone else has to experience this but am grateful that there are people who can understand what we are going through.

     

    My husband is 56 and is on ss disability due to ddd, cervical and spinal stenosis, chronic edema...

    RHMLucky777

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    I am sitting here reading these posts and am amazed since it often feels like I am the only one going through this. Not that I am glad that anyone else has to experience this but am grateful that there are people who can understand what we are going through.

     

    My husband is 56 and is on ss disability due to ddd, cervical and spinal stenosis, chronic edema from a dvt and pulmonary embolism.  Between us we have 4 kids and 3 grandkids with the youngest 2 kids(aged 4 and 9) still at home.  

     

    Most days it takes everything my hubby can do just to test his sugar, take all his meds and make it to the bathroom and fix his lunch.  I work full time, take care of the kids, their schoolwork, grocery shopping, meals, laundry etc..  I know he does all he can but some days I get so overwhelmed when I walk in from a full day of work and discover a sinkful of dirty dishes, clothes everywhere, kids needing papers signed and he can't even set the coffee pot.  Or he pushes himself to get on the riding mower and cut the grass and then can't move for two days.

     

    The amount of meds he is on and the planning it takes to do refills and keep up with the appts between pain management, pcp, pt, endocrinologist, neurologist, etc just blows me away.

     

    He is an amazing man and I am so blessed but I am so tired some days. I just keep praying we will find a drug cocktail or pt regimen that will allow him to have some semblance of normalcy. I know it is killing him not to be able to be the husband and father that he wants to be with his youngest children and that he hates me having to work so hard and that we can't go out and do anything due to the pain. The memory loss is the worst right now.  He calls me several times a day and asks the same questions and I have started leaving him notes around the house about what the dinner plan is, what the kids schedules are etc.  He is only 56 and this is no quality of life for him. I am 33 and somedays it feels like I have 3 kids at home instead of 2.

     

    Sorry for rambling and venting. It's just been one of those days today. Praying everyone has great weekend.

  • Anonymous
    Heartbroken
    Feb. 06, 2013
    I have not heard of someone in the same situation before, and it is a relief that we are not alone. I have been with my husband 19yrs now, he has just turned 40, and had cancer in his spinal column when he was 14, they have fused his lower spine together, he is self employed and works in a physically demanding job we have 4 children. He started off on codine,...
    RHMLucky777
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    I have not heard of someone in the same situation before, and it is a relief that we are not alone. I have been with my husband 19yrs now, he has just turned 40, and had cancer in his spinal column when he was 14, they have fused his lower spine together, he is self employed and works in a physically demanding job we have 4 children. He started off on codine, then they put him on oxynorm and OxyContin, and now is on morphine sulphate, he gets so angry with it. Since finding out his dad is dying, he has given up and left us and is now injecting himself, i have every confidence that he will be back as i know he loves us, but it does hurt. He can't wait for his life to be over, it breaks my heart, as I love him like the day I meet him, and still think he is hot and super sexy, I worry about the kids from this as well. I don't like the fact that he is using a needle now, as it seems to numb his emotions, but I do understand. My husband is a manly man, and bit by but it all getting taken away from him, he works 12 hrs a day at least 6/7 days week, never takes holidays to provide for us. He has been losing feeling in one of his legs more and more and finds it hard to maintain a full erection, which dosnt bother me because I love him, but he hates it and always put himself down, calling himself a useless excuse for a man, in my eyes this couldn't be further from the truth, as most people won't work and go on sickness benefits, I am so scared now he is going to OD trying to relieve his pain, what can I do? I get so angry when the doctors try to say he is drug seeking, sitting at there desk jobs having no idea what it's like to live 24/7 in pain
    • Anonymous
      Anna Maria
      Aug. 13, 2013


      My name is Anna Maria i have a testimony to share with you. i was in relationship with this guy called mark. we well nave happily 4 day a ago my friend come to visit me. i never know my boyfriend no her. I nave no my boyfriend was cheating on me. he was going out with my friend some of my friend was tell me that my boyfriend is cheating on you. i never believe...

      RHMLucky777

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      My name is Anna Maria i have a testimony to share with you. i was in relationship with this guy called mark. we well nave happily 4 day a ago my friend come to visit me. i never know my boyfriend no her. I nave no my boyfriend was cheating on me. he was going out with my friend some of my friend was tell me that my boyfriend is cheating on you. i never believe them, until i saw them with my eye. I never believe in magic until my friend introduced me to this man Dr. Dogood on templeofvadoo@gmail.com. he told me that he we cast a spell on him 2day after he cast the spell i receive a call for him that he is coming home. My happiness was restored by the spell caster .i am so happy that my love is back to me again so lovely and caring like never before. Big big thanks to Dr. Dogood

  • Anonymous
    sarah
    Sep. 11, 2012

    God bless the winexbackspell@gmail.com therapist oniha a lot. His spell casting is really great. All i think he should never stop with his work because there are still people out in the world who still needs his spell service and i will say eventhough you have not find him this is him the winexbackspell@gmail.com just go straight to him and tell him  your...

    RHMLucky777

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    God bless the winexbackspell@gmail.com therapist oniha a lot. His spell casting is really great. All i think he should never stop with his work because there are still people out in the world who still needs his spell service and i will say eventhough you have not find him this is him the winexbackspell@gmail.com just go straight to him and tell him  your complaint,i assure you,he will make you happy just like mine. God bless him again and to all the people who are reading my note on this blog.

  • Dazdnconfuzd
    Jun. 20, 2012

    My husband and I have been together 15 years married for 6 1/2.  In Sept of 2008 he had to quit his job do to the pain in his back.  He had promised me everything would be ok.  It just went down hill from there.  He had his first surgery in june of 2009 a spinal fusion.  He was healing well and I had thought he was gonna be ok. ...

    RHMLucky777

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    My husband and I have been together 15 years married for 6 1/2.  In Sept of 2008 he had to quit his job do to the pain in his back.  He had promised me everything would be ok.  It just went down hill from there.  He had his first surgery in june of 2009 a spinal fusion.  He was healing well and I had thought he was gonna be ok.  It just got worse from there.  In Sept of 2009 he told me I should find someone else. Someone who could support me and our 3 boys.  It hurt so bad to hear him say that.  I threw it to the back of my mind thinking he isn't serious, it's just an aweful horrible joke.  Not the case a month went by and on my birthday, he went "out" with friends and we would celebrate my birthday another day.  Well I was furious and what I said to him when he got home was a unapropriate but i was upset.  The next day he told me he wanted a divorce and a week later after that he said he met another woman, he had blammed me for everything.  I tried so hard to convince him it was all wrong.  So I found a guy for the wrong reasons, to get back at my husband. But it showed my husband how much he missed me and sure enough my husband wanted me back, he wanted me to stop all contact with that guy and he would with the other woman.  I absolutely hated doing that but I wanted to show him how much we were meant together.  I have always told him that there was no other man out there that could ever want to be with.  He just is the one.  He always complained that his pain is to great to even have sex but, yet he would do so just to make me happy.  Well it didn't make me happy cause it just felt like sex, not love and it just felt like it was dead wood.  It hurt.  So, we were back together and it still just didn't seem like a marriage, I worked as many hours as I could to keep our family together but, it still didn't work.  So we tried a seperation for a bit that didn't work and he said he wanted a divorce again.  I came back home and he left for a week, he came back saying that he was sorry and he would never do that again.  We were still having money issues and it didn't help that my aunt threw us out of the house we were renting from her because of not being able to pay the rent.  Yes my own family...  So we moved to a townhouse away from my family and from his family who were both sides were giving us troubles.  So in October of 2010, I came home from work one morning to find him laying on the kitchen floor unconcious.  I was devistated, I hurried to his side waking him up and called 911.  He downed a whole bottle of sleeping pills, hoping to kill himself.  That was his 3rd attempt in a year and a half.  He came home from the psychiatric ward and it was like I had the husband I fell in love with many years ago.  I thought finally I got my husband back and we will finally be a happily ever after story.  Not the case again.  He went back to blamming me for everything, I'm an enabler, I stress him out making his back hurt and again he went back to talking to the other woman in Feb 2011.  I was crushed.  I was so hurt that our arguement turned into a DV charge on my husband.  And we were seperated for 6 months and in this time he had his 2nd spinal fusion.  We worked through that and he told me that he couldn't believe he almost let go of everything we had together again.  We were back together again for 6 months to find yet again he up and left us again in Feb 2012.  We are still seperated, but he tells me he loves me everyday.  He is in more and more pain everyday I see him as he is my ride to and from work.  He says he hopes we will be together again and he wants too.  But sometimes it's hard for me to believe it.  It's June now and I can't even make him smile.  He takes everything said the wrong way.  I'm at my wits end.  I don't know how to feel.  Because of all this I did grow angry at everyone that caused friction between us.  His pain is so great that I don't know if he even knows what he is saying.  I want to believe him and that we will be together.  He had an MRI today and I hope they find what is causing this pain.  Please pray for us. TY

    • Dazdnconfuzd
      Jun. 20, 2012

      My husband's MRI shows he has 2 more bad disks and severe arthritis in his lower spine.  He will have to get another set of steroid shots for pain mangement before doc does anything.  He thinks people see him as a failure and a bum, but that's not at all what I see.  I see a stubborn man who won't let me be there for him.  It hurts that...

      RHMLucky777

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      My husband's MRI shows he has 2 more bad disks and severe arthritis in his lower spine.  He will have to get another set of steroid shots for pain mangement before doc does anything.  He thinks people see him as a failure and a bum, but that's not at all what I see.  I see a stubborn man who won't let me be there for him.  It hurts that he won't let me.  And his family hate me and I can't be there with him.  And for you who are baffled, he doesn't live with his family, but his step dad bought him a house that he is living in and I am NOT allowed to step foot in the house for they hate me that much because of the DV last year.  And he refuses to come back and live with me because of all the stairs, he can't handle them.  Please Lord, I pray everyday.  I cry everyday.  I just want so much to be with him.  It hurts beyond anyone could ever imagine.  If I had to compare the hurt my heart feels is as much as his back pain.  I have always told him it didn't matter how poor we were, we still had eachother.  I told him it didn't matter if he could never walk again, we still had eachother.  I told him it didn't matter if he lost all his hair or teeth, we still had eachother.  I love him so much and all he ever does is walk out on us.  I feel so alone and I hate that I can't just turn to him and talk, or how we would play tag. Just sitting in bed watching t.v together, or playing world of warcraft together.  And everyone I talk to says he is a duche bag but they don't even know how much pain he is really in.  I hate feeling that I have no one to talk to who understands what I am going through.  He says he loves me everyday, but he has no self esteem no matter how much I tell him I am here for him and care for him and love him.  Isn't that all that matters?  Shouldn't he be proud to have a wife who is in it for the long haul?  I don't want to be apart from him any longer, is that wrong of me? 

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Nov. 12, 2010

    I'm in the same situation. My husband has had to surgeries before age 39 (now 40) and is in terrible pain. He had DDD and spinal stenoisis. Major, major pain all the time. I dont know what to do for him. I am searching the web today to look for some answers. Its so sad.

    • Anonymous
      meyouandtheworld
      Feb. 04, 2011

      i understand completely - my husband has always been such a stong person and now at the age of 61 he is suffering indescribable pain in his back and the front of right leg.  I am also a strong person but watching his pain, when the tears are rolling down his cheeks from the hurt that punishes his body, has just about bought me to my knees.  He is...

      RHMLucky777

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      i understand completely - my husband has always been such a stong person and now at the age of 61 he is suffering indescribable pain in his back and the front of right leg.  I am also a strong person but watching his pain, when the tears are rolling down his cheeks from the hurt that punishes his body, has just about bought me to my knees.  He is on so many medications that he is sleeping 18hrs a day and when he is not sleeping he is in pain.  I feel helpless and as his wife of 37years we have endured many trials and tribulations but this is the worst form of torture.  I have felt like running away but not from my dear husband but the pain that he has to endure.  At the worst of these times I repeat my marriage vows - that I will love and support my darling in sickness and in health.  This is how I am feeling and I feel so selfish because its not fair for him to have this pain and its not fair that I have to watch a man being destroyed by his own body.

       

    • MIREN
      Mar. 09, 2011

      Repeating those marriage vows...yes, sometimes that is what helps me pull it together enough to get through the day.  My husband is 38 and has suffered chronic pain from 5 back surgeries the past almost 10 years.  We are looking at yet another this spring.  We have four children, ages 6 to 12.  I am terrified of the day when he comes home...

      RHMLucky777

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      Repeating those marriage vows...yes, sometimes that is what helps me pull it together enough to get through the day.  My husband is 38 and has suffered chronic pain from 5 back surgeries the past almost 10 years.  We are looking at yet another this spring.  We have four children, ages 6 to 12.  I am terrified of the day when he comes home to say he just cannot work any longer.  I work from home and try to handle the children, etc.  Many days I feel like a single mother...my husband is just a shell. He doesn't sleep at night (so neither do I), he drags himself to work, then comes home and goes straight to bed...day, after day, after day, after day.  I am hollow.  I am here for my girls.  I have distanced myself from him because we can't be together and it hurts too badly to see his torment and be able to do NOTHING to relieve it.  Family and friends do not understand.  There is no support.  I am completely worn out and discouraged.

    • Anne
      Apr. 01, 2011

      I am so grateful to have found all of your posts.  No one else seems to understand what we are going through.  My husband of 3 years is 29 years old and has chronic pain in his lower back.  He had a herniated L-5 that was fixed surgically.  He was fine for about 2 years when he re-injured himself.  Since then we have gotten no answers...

      RHMLucky777

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      I am so grateful to have found all of your posts.  No one else seems to understand what we are going through.  My husband of 3 years is 29 years old and has chronic pain in his lower back.  He had a herniated L-5 that was fixed surgically.  He was fine for about 2 years when he re-injured himself.  Since then we have gotten no answers and it seems like the run around.  One of his doctors said that he would be happy to continue to prescribe him pain meds long term...as a solution!!!  He actually made me feel bad about trying to explore other options.  My husband barely gets out of bed and when he does he is in pain.  He is taking pain meds but that doesn't seem to help.  We have lost almost all of our friends as we have not been social for over a year now.  We were getting ready to start a family and that seems like an impossibility at this point.  I am so frustrated that I can't do anything for him.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I am just looking for someone to talk to that can relate.

    • Cherylwithacamera
      Apr. 21, 2011

      I got married OCR. 09, my husband had an accident at work feb. 2010. I didn't get enough of a chance to be with my husband before the pain started. He's moody, cranky and just a tottal (parden) ass sometimes, but I love him and I see the pain on his face and it kills me that I can't help. The things I can help with however, he wont let me. He's always been...

      RHMLucky777

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      I got married OCR. 09, my husband had an accident at work feb. 2010. I didn't get enough of a chance to be with my husband before the pain started. He's moody, cranky and just a tottal (parden) ass sometimes, but I love him and I see the pain on his face and it kills me that I can't help. The things I can help with however, he wont let me. He's always been proud and just turning 30, jobless and living off workers comp dosnt exactly help the mood swings and feeling like he's unable to do anything like he could before. He had 4 surgeries too his back within 4 months, the last was a spinal fusion of the l-5 s-1 through the fount of his body because his last three had taken too much of a tole on his back. We knew it was possible that because they had to go through his front side that he could become sterail, but I had my hopes that it was just another side effect they have to warn you about, but it's licklyness isn't very likely. Well turns out they were right, we've been trying of 4 months and it looks like it will be just him and me. As much as I want to have children from the post I've read it seems crule to knowingly bring a child into this situation. I mean he's mean enough to me at times and cleaning up after his fits would be much more challenging with a child to protect and take care of. I feel like as much as he'd won't to help he couldn't and I'd be raiseing her/him alone. I have no one to talk to, all my friends don't understand and my family's worse. I'm glad I found this post if not just to know I'm not alone. I could however use a person to vent to and vis versa, if any ones interested...  I know it's an old post, so I'm not expecting much, but thank you to everyone who shared there stories I know it help me more than you'll ever know.

       

      Moderator's Note: For your security and privacy, please do not post personal information such as email addresses and phone numbers.

    • katiesb
      Jul. 13, 2011

      hi everyone. I so feel for you all.

       I have lived with chronic back pain from severe scolios (S shaped and twisted as well) since i was about 12. I feel like ive been through it all. I'm now 33. I have taken out my pain on every person that comes close to me without even realizing. I'm so lucky to still have people in my life.  I have little for...

      RHMLucky777

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      hi everyone. I so feel for you all.

       I have lived with chronic back pain from severe scolios (S shaped and twisted as well) since i was about 12. I feel like ive been through it all. I'm now 33. I have taken out my pain on every person that comes close to me without even realizing. I'm so lucky to still have people in my life.  I have little for patients, if something takes one second longer than i think it should, i snap. I feel sorry for myself and know the people that care about me cannot come close to feeling what i feel. I can tell you from my own experience what helped me and didn't. My boyfriend used to give me massages. Almost daily. Although most times i was too bossy/demanding, told him he wasnt doing things hard enough or not right ect. I can't tell you how much i appreciated it. Physically and emotionally. Words wont help much. Hot baths do. if you can afford it, get a hot tub with jets.  Feeling useful helps. I suggest volunteering in anything that makes your life look like peaches and cream. I chose Animal shelters, it does take your mind off the pain for a few minutes at a time. I know that treating my boyfriend like crap made me feel even worse, even though i didn't verbalize it to him and rarely told him how greatful i was. All i can say is you cannot take it personally. Vitamin D helps whether its the sun, tanning bed or vitamins. I mustered up the energy went into tanning beds miserable and came out smiles believe it or not, it works and is commonly perscribed for depression. Google massage videos techniques, for their specific condition or send them to a registered massage therapist (getting out of the house and talking to strangers gets me out of a funk) for any bone or nerve injury the muscles around and opposite the injury have to overcompensate. Muscles need lots of water or they spasm. Get as much weight off as possible. Heavy coffee drinkers can not tolerate the pain as well.  I hope one of these things will help just a little. Try not to push them to do any of these things. Ask them to go with you rather than tell them whats best for them as everyone seems to have an opinion and its overwhelming and exausting. I'm here to talkm if someone needs me.Even if its years from now. 

    • Rocky
      Apr. 28, 2012
      I know what you're going through living with an angry person. My husband has "agitated depression" and he's a bear, all day every day. I gave up this year, and I'm getting divorced. 20 yrs. I am the one who can't work, and so our sit. Is a bit different. I know it's been awhile since you posted, but I hope you've found some coping mechanisms. Want to say more,...
      RHMLucky777
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      I know what you're going through living with an angry person. My husband has "agitated depression" and he's a bear, all day every day. I gave up this year, and I'm getting divorced. 20 yrs. I am the one who can't work, and so our sit. Is a bit different. I know it's been awhile since you posted, but I hope you've found some coping mechanisms. Want to say more, but I typed WAY to much tonight, and my fibromyalgia hands are already furious with me. Hoping for the best for you, I know it's really hard, and I know you don't want to bad-mouth your spouse, but it gets to be a great big drag. Message me if you need an ear. If I get out of this horrid apartment I'm in I'll have to get a new e-mail and what not, but I'll keep some version of the name Rocky. Maybe the sequel. Rocky II.
    • Anonymous
      Cindy
      Oct. 14, 2011

      Wow...I guess I was the only one going through this.  My husband has been in bed for approximately 7 years.  We have three daughters 17, 14 and 9.  I do everything.  I feel like a single mom but have a husband upstairs in bed.  He suffers from severe chronic pain in his lower back.  He has had 3 surgeries and refuses to have any...

      RHMLucky777

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      Wow...I guess I was the only one going through this.  My husband has been in bed for approximately 7 years.  We have three daughters 17, 14 and 9.  I do everything.  I feel like a single mom but have a husband upstairs in bed.  He suffers from severe chronic pain in his lower back.  He has had 3 surgeries and refuses to have any more (I can't blame him)  He is on very high doses of narcotics and like you all have mentioned..they do not work anymore.  In the course of the years we have tried several different meds..actually I think we have tried them all.  We have lost touch with 99% of our friends.  I am basically living the life of a single mom except he is in bed when I fall in from exhaustion.  I need to remind myself daily how lucky I am to have 3 healthy daughters.  That is what gets me through the day.  My husband is 47 and has not worked since 1998.  I had a good job that I lost in the recession and took a huge paycut with my new job.  Thank goodness for Workmens Comp or we would no longer have our house.  I could go on and on...doctors are no longer helpful...You get treated like drug addicts...people do not understand...lonliness...it really really sucks.  This is not what I had in mind for myself and my daughters.

    • Dljp13
      Jan. 01, 2012
      I am so thankful that this post exists. the fact that it has lived for 3 years shows we are not alone. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom for you...actually I just wish I could talk to you. it would be so nice to have an understanding ear. I too feel like the single mom, treated with the mean-spirit that chronic pain deals out. I know my husband is...
      RHMLucky777
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      I am so thankful that this post exists. the fact that it has lived for 3 years shows we are not alone. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom for you...actually I just wish I could talk to you. it would be so nice to have an understanding ear. I too feel like the single mom, treated with the mean-spirit that chronic pain deals out. I know my husband is struggling and I feel so helpless. I try and put it all into God's hands, but that is hard too. It is a lonely path we walk...just know that you have kindred spirits online...it's very real and I wish you all peace and comfort. Thanks for listening.....
    • Anonymous
      sgirl15
      Apr. 27, 2012

      I thank god that I found this site.  I was really starting to believe that nobody else was going through this, or would ever understand.  My husband has been in chronic pain for the past 15 years.  It started out as a ruptured disk, and turned into three failed back surgeries that began to take on a life of it's own.  He has not worked for...

      RHMLucky777

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      I thank god that I found this site.  I was really starting to believe that nobody else was going through this, or would ever understand.  My husband has been in chronic pain for the past 15 years.  It started out as a ruptured disk, and turned into three failed back surgeries that began to take on a life of it's own.  He has not worked for the past 9 years.  We have a ten year old daughter, and this is all that she has known.  ( I guess that is good in some respects).  He too is on many pain medications, and drinks to ease the pain.  I continue to work, which is the only thing that really keeps us afloat.  I too feel helpless, angry, and sad.  We can no longer be intimate due to nerve damage.  I have thought about leaving, but he could not survive.  I worry about our daughter (who is amazing).  It helps reading these posts, and knowing that I am not alone.  He is a man of faith, and I will continue to pray, but I often feel like nobody is listening.  God bless you all, and know that you are not alone.

    • Rocky
      Apr. 28, 2012
      God, this may be the stupidist thing I've ever said. I have chronic pain from multiple health problems, and would hate for anyone to minimize my pain, but just in case someone reading this doesn't know this: Sometimes laying around in pain actually makes your back worse. That is a tricky thing to tell someone, cause everyone in pain is a little defensive, thinking...
      RHMLucky777
      Read More
      God, this may be the stupidist thing I've ever said. I have chronic pain from multiple health problems, and would hate for anyone to minimize my pain, but just in case someone reading this doesn't know this: Sometimes laying around in pain actually makes your back worse. That is a tricky thing to tell someone, cause everyone in pain is a little defensive, thinking people think they are malingering. I know you're not. You're not on this site if you're a fake. Neither is your loving spouse thinking you're faking if he/she is here. Sometimes--Not for everyone- but sometimes moving is what the muscles need. Nerve pain is tricky, I know, but for muscle spasm, I have found I have to cut bed rest short and grin and bear it at some point. Massage can be a great transition to get you to where you can get moving. There is a wide range of skill level in phys.therapists, and useful techniques by physical therapists. I had a Great pt guy in Another city. He had one technique to free up my neck, that I wish I could go through again. he had gotten training halfway across the country for that technique. Look for that therapist who continues with self- education. Rolfing :EXPENSIVE but lasts and lasts. If one person at a facility is turning out to be the best, insist on appointments with the best. Seeing the PT guy or gal forces you to do your exercises daily, twice daily, or every two hours. What they say about frequency: follow their rules. Muscles want to bounce back to tight. Every two hours in the beginning Is REASONABLE. Also want to mention I have gotten put out and left that same wonderful therapist when he didn't believe I was having knee pain on the bike. Went and got an MRI --baker's cyst behind the knee. Wish I had gone back to the PT guy, and worked it out, becouse I may never find such a good one again.
    • Distressed wife
      Jan. 31, 2013

      I can fully relate to your dilemma.  My husband and I have been together for 34 years. He has been suffering from migraines since 10 years so has a high tolerance for pain meds. He suffers from severe pain from years of lifting freight.  He's tried the whole gamut of meds, bio feedback, pain , rheumatologist, neurologist, gp, extreme use of pain medicine,...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      I can fully relate to your dilemma.  My husband and I have been together for 34 years. He has been suffering from migraines since 10 years so has a high tolerance for pain meds. He suffers from severe pain from years of lifting freight.  He's tried the whole gamut of meds, bio feedback, pain , rheumatologist, neurologist, gp, extreme use of pain medicine, you name it he's tried it.  He is sick of doctors, meds, tests. He is absolutely not ever considered taking his life because we are Christians.  We certainly believe in the power of prayer, but how do we, does he keep going? Any prayers, suggestions are most welcomed.  Distressed wife

  • Anonymous
    Amy
    Feb. 12, 2010

    My husband suffers from chronic pain due to being hit by a truck several years ago. The pain is so bad some days, he wants to die. I feel helpless. Our marriage is almost non existent. I need someone to talk to about this. I know this is an old thread but if anyone sees this, please email me. antiam1@netzero.com

    • frustrated
      Nov. 12, 2010

      Believe me I know exactly where you are coming from. My husband is alwys in pain. Somedays not as bad as others but mostly in pain.

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Jan. 24, 2010

    i have the same thing and my husband is a jurk to me because i have really bad leg pain i can not work he will not buy me the things i need but will pay for his daughter who is22 gas to get to work40.00 a week i am on the fental patch for pain and i also take tonal all he does is yell at me 24 hours a day

  • Anonymous
    QuandaQuartz
    Nov. 01, 2009

    Hello, although the original post was put up some time ago, I can certainly see why people are still adding comments - it's a relief to know that we're not alone - other people are struggling to cope with spouses who are suffering from chronic pain.

     

    My husband has chronic pain, and we're working with the assumption that it's from a bulging...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    Hello, although the original post was put up some time ago, I can certainly see why people are still adding comments - it's a relief to know that we're not alone - other people are struggling to cope with spouses who are suffering from chronic pain.

     

    My husband has chronic pain, and we're working with the assumption that it's from a bulging disk in his spine impinging on nerves. This is my husband's best guess from looking at his MRI scan a couple of years ago with a doctor. He too is on an assortment of drugs for pain as well as additional drugs to calm the side effects.

     

    What a rollercoaster this has been over the past few years! Concern, fear, worry, hope, frustration, anger, you name it. He's seen so many types of health care professionals that I don't know if there are any more he can see, and he's still not able to work or study because of the pain.

     

    One of the frustrating things is that physiotherapists and pain managment health care providers are not understanding when my husband has to cancel an appointment due to overwhelming pain - even if he calls ahead to say why he can't make the appointment. They just assume he's not interested in being seen, and then refuse him further appointments.

     

    It's exhausting being in a relationship with someone who is experiencing almost constant pain. Worry and concern are constant companions, and friends and colleagues don't really understand. What they can clearly see is that it is a drain on me - my boss has started recommending the "nuclear solution" that I move out so that I can live my own life and let my husband pull himself together. That's an option, but not one that I relish. I am touched that they care about me, but I am also sad that they think my husband is "bad news" because he hasn't found the key to managing his health and his pain.

     

    I would love to find a solution for him. Wouldn't we all like to find a solution for chronic pain for our husbands? In the mean time, remember to enjoy the small things in life - keep singing, dancing, and smelling the flowers.j

  • Stephanie M.
    May. 07, 2009

    I'm sorry to hear that chronic pain has hit so many lives. I am grateful however, that there is a way to communicate with others for support and suggestions on how to deal.

    My fiance' suffered a work injury in July of '08 which basically jammed his discs together in his neck. C-5 ,C-6, and C-7  I believe. (Somehow I still get confused as to their numbers)....

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    I'm sorry to hear that chronic pain has hit so many lives. I am grateful however, that there is a way to communicate with others for support and suggestions on how to deal.

    My fiance' suffered a work injury in July of '08 which basically jammed his discs together in his neck. C-5 ,C-6, and C-7  I believe. (Somehow I still get confused as to their numbers). He was slated to have surgery early in the fall through worker's comp until they bucked and stopped the surgery 2 days prior. My fiance' and I were devastated. On top of that Worker's Comp began their fight....so my fiance' could stand the pain no more, had the surgery on 2 of the discs in December on his own insurance, and is still fighting the monetary battle. (As Worker's Comp cut him off in November and Short term disability isn't kicking in due to their legalities)

    So, he is dealing with all this pain, no income, fighting for money from WC and trying for disability all to no quick relief. (We realize that this could take quite some time and that doesn't help at all) He is a proud hard working man, an avid outdoorsman and hunter, he made excellent money before the accident, and now is struggling financially and even more discouraging, he is suffering in constant pain. He was told week before last by the neurosurgeon that this "new" pain that he has developed, is b/c his neck is out of line somehow. (Anything could've caused it, he says) But....my fiance' may have to have another surgery if it doesn't correct itself. He is struggling to keep a positive attitude and does very well most of the time, but recently I've began noticing some of his remarks are a little snappy. I'm realizing that any other minor quarrels or disagreements might be affected by his pain level at the time. I've not dealt with this before and neither has he. We were going to get marrieg next Spring, but now, he says if he doesn't have an income coming in, he is not going to marry me. I, personally am in this for the long haul, better or worse....and I've stood by him all these months, I'm not bailing now, but it breaks my heart, and I guess I just need to know how other people cope with their loved ones and their mood changes. Also, he hates taking pain meds and will go w/out them for days at a time b/c he is afraid of getting hooked. He just wants like everyone in this position I'm sure, to get better, go back to work and live a normal life. However, from what I'm reading, life may never be the same. We are faith believing people, but it's getting hard comparing this to Job and his sufferings. I just need someone to relate. I can be reached at mizzkitty36@hotmail.com as well. Thank you to anyone that is willing to chat and God bless everyone and grant us each the strength that we need.

    Stephanie M

    • frustrated
      Feb. 04, 2011

      I feel your pain. My husband, now 40 has been in pain since his last two back surgeries. Never any relief. He does go to a pain clinic. Yes your husband will get addicted, mine is now. What I cant stand about the lasy at the pain clinic is that she hasnt tappered down on the meds. She tells him that he can compare it to diabetes (sp?). Diabetics have to take...

      RHMLucky777

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      I feel your pain. My husband, now 40 has been in pain since his last two back surgeries. Never any relief. He does go to a pain clinic. Yes your husband will get addicted, mine is now. What I cant stand about the lasy at the pain clinic is that she hasnt tappered down on the meds. She tells him that he can compare it to diabetes (sp?). Diabetics have to take medicine, so do you....NOT!. We have 3 children under the age of 10 and insulin is not the same as a handful of pain killers. Im eally at my wits end. My husband is now very snappy. You sure he's  not taking the pills. Usually when they are snappy thats a sure sign they are on them.

    • slewfoot
      Sep. 21, 2012

      www.magneticbeadjewelry.com    Go there and purchase High Power magnetic Necklace, a Belt to wrap around your waist and bracelets

      ( at least doubles). I wear all of the ones listed. I have arthritus thru

      out my body  and have two artificial hips, and 18 inch rods in my back.  The high power jewelry keeps me going and relieves...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      www.magneticbeadjewelry.com    Go there and purchase High Power magnetic Necklace, a Belt to wrap around your waist and bracelets

      ( at least doubles). I wear all of the ones listed. I have arthritus thru

      out my body  and have two artificial hips, and 18 inch rods in my back.  The high power jewelry keeps me going and relieves so much of my pain.

        

    • Rocky
      Apr. 28, 2012
      For future readers of old posts, my pain doc says there is less chance of addiction with steady extended release drugs taken 24/7. Hope he's right. It is also easier to get a grip on my back pain if I haven't let it get ahead by accidentally forgetting the meds. I sugest reading more books on pain control if you are not sure about the facts about your pain...
      RHMLucky777
      Read More
      For future readers of old posts, my pain doc says there is less chance of addiction with steady extended release drugs taken 24/7. Hope he's right. It is also easier to get a grip on my back pain if I haven't let it get ahead by accidentally forgetting the meds. I sugest reading more books on pain control if you are not sure about the facts about your pain meds. There is evidence that some pains do become less manageable when you put off or forget meds. Can't remember where I read that, so don't trust me. READ READ. It is a slippery slope.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Mar. 17, 2009

    Everyone's comments are exactly the life that my husband and I are living.  The hardest thing for me was reading an entry in his pain journal of how he was planning on ending his life, but first being sure that his life insurance would be enough to take care of me.  He wrote about this being the end of his life, the pain is so severe that he can't...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    Everyone's comments are exactly the life that my husband and I are living.  The hardest thing for me was reading an entry in his pain journal of how he was planning on ending his life, but first being sure that his life insurance would be enough to take care of me.  He wrote about this being the end of his life, the pain is so severe that he can't deal with it any longer.  3 levels of spine and neck fusion and 12 years of pain.  We have done everything, gone everywhere possible, reached out over and over to drs and therapists, no one can help him reduce the pain. How in god's name do we all deal with this suffering?  It casts a shadow on all things good in my life and their is no end in sight for him.  How do I support him thru this when it has put such a wedge between us.  As the time grows longer that he has this chronic pain he has drawn further and further into himself.  We have three wonderful adult children and are soon to be first time grandparents.  The ache in my heart for his suffering is sometimes all consuming, it takes so many attempts to pull myself up.  I know this sounds awful, but sometimes I just want to leave to save myself.  What else is there to do?  When I say we have tried everything, I am not exagerating.

    • Anonymous
      jim
      Mar. 29, 2009

      i am so sorry to hear these stories of pain.  My father has a 4 level neck fusion and a morphine pump in his stomach.  he says its like somebody takn a baseball bat to his shoulders.  he turns 50 this june and has to put himself on disability from his job US Silica where hes been for 30 yrs.  This pain has forced him into early retirement...

      RHMLucky777

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      i am so sorry to hear these stories of pain.  My father has a 4 level neck fusion and a morphine pump in his stomach.  he says its like somebody takn a baseball bat to his shoulders.  he turns 50 this june and has to put himself on disability from his job US Silica where hes been for 30 yrs.  This pain has forced him into early retirement and hes very scared he wont be able to afford the $1,100 a month health insurance.  Its a cruel world out there me im 29 yrs. old and my dad is the most imporant person n the world to me besides my daughter charlotte.  Its crazy to see such a strong man go through such horrific pain.  im so sorry for all the familys out there who struggle w/loved ones who go through such pain and misery.  i question myself if my father wasnt as strong as he is, love his family as much as he does hed done killed himself by now.i wish there was something we could do.  my dad has been living w/this pain for about 8 yrs it took his life away our family's life away,and like so many stories i read on this blog it sounds like it wont ever end.  Theres nothing outthere  im telling ya my dad probally has the worst neck in the country and thats no joke, 4 level neck fusion its scarey how can he live like that. for all you men and women out there suffering from chronic pain you've been delt a challenging life i hope you have the strength carry it out. 

      my sympathy

    • Anonymous
      Anonymous
      Apr. 27, 2009

      I found this website in desperation.  My husband's has become abusive emotionally to our family because of his back pain.  It's hard for anyone to relate to me about this so I feel very alone.  I would really like to help him to and to be a more understanding wife, but it is so frustrating.  We have 2 children, and they feel like they can...

      RHMLucky777

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      I found this website in desperation.  My husband's has become abusive emotionally to our family because of his back pain.  It's hard for anyone to relate to me about this so I feel very alone.  I would really like to help him to and to be a more understanding wife, but it is so frustrating.  We have 2 children, and they feel like they can never do any right because dad is always in pain and critical of them.  I will see a counselor soon to figure out at what point we have to step back and protect ourselves from his mood swings.  I am not optimistic about more doctors, more surgeries, massage, or anything right now short of a miracle.   

    • Anonymous
      g.williams
      Apr. 28, 2009

      I'm sorry, I totally understand your situation.  It would be a very good idea for you to see a therapist to help both you and your children deal with your husband's mood swings.  Fortunately our children are adults and don't have to see their dad when he's having a really bad time, but it still is hard for them because they know - the pain has taken...

      RHMLucky777

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      I'm sorry, I totally understand your situation.  It would be a very good idea for you to see a therapist to help both you and your children deal with your husband's mood swings.  Fortunately our children are adults and don't have to see their dad when he's having a really bad time, but it still is hard for them because they know - the pain has taken their dad away from them.  We tried to celebrate our oldest son's 30th bday recently, but had to leave the restaurant before the meal because he needed to lay down, the pain was so severe.  He left the restaurant angrily yelling at the hostess because our wait had been too long.  I was embarassed for all of us, but I know he is suffering and it isn't his fault.  The only advice I can offer if your children are old enough to explain to them that Dad is angry because he is hurting all the time.  As for yourself, I know your marriage is not the way you had hoped it would be.  There is no romance and you don't have someone to share with because they can't even concentrate on what you are saying to them most of the time.  Give yourself credit for the strong person that you are, do things for yourself that feel good.  Take time to excercise, cry, talk, share your strife to friends and family that love you.  They will never understand completely, but I found a very good letter on this website that I copied and passed out to people in our life.  You can search for it on this site - It is a letter to loved ones of Chronic pain sufferers that helps to explain what they can do to understand and help the sufferer.  The hardest thing is knowing that it will never go away.  If you truly love your husband you will stick with it.  I wish you the best.  I would say to pray, but I sadly have lost faith in that.  Good luck, stay strong for your children, if you're lucky like me -  they will become your best friends,  and supporters with unconditional love for both you and your husband. 

    • Anonymous
      Anonymous
      Apr. 28, 2009

      Wow- Just wanted to say Thank You for your response.  It helps tremendously to not feel so alone.  It sounds like you are being strong and dealing with the situation in a healthy way.  I do still pray for strength myself and I will pray that for everyone in this type of situation as well.  I know I have lost faith myself along the way...

      RHMLucky777

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      Wow- Just wanted to say Thank You for your response.  It helps tremendously to not feel so alone.  It sounds like you are being strong and dealing with the situation in a healthy way.  I do still pray for strength myself and I will pray that for everyone in this type of situation as well.  I know I have lost faith myself along the way as well because it seems like such an unfair situation.  There is no amount of praying that will make it go away.  But in another sense, my faith is something that keeps me going.  Thank you again for caring enough to help.  My children are 12 & 15, and I do try to tell them that their father is a wonderful person (of course that is why I married him), but the pain takes such a toll on him that he is not himself.  It's hard for them to understand, they just want the dad that they love, but I think we will get through it somehow.  As I always say, the option to not get through it is just not a good option!

       

    • Anonymous
      Cindy
      Oct. 14, 2011

      g.williams you mentioned a letter that is on this site.  I can't seem to find it.  Can you assist? I would love to have it.  

    • stressin1
      Apr. 28, 2009

      I totally understand were you are coming from.My husband has changed tremendously since all of this started. My older children have a harder time than my youngest. My older children are 22,19 and 17 and they see the differences in him. My youngest is only 11 and his dad has always been in major pain so he knows no difference. It saddens me to know that my youngest...

      RHMLucky777

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      I totally understand were you are coming from.My husband has changed tremendously since all of this started. My older children have a harder time than my youngest. My older children are 22,19 and 17 and they see the differences in him. My youngest is only 11 and his dad has always been in major pain so he knows no difference. It saddens me to know that my youngest doesn't know the same dad. First, make sure you tell your husband that you are having difficulty in what you are feeling. I'm sure he is having trouble too. I always try to be understanding but I also think it is important to talk to one another about how YOUR life has changed too.Don't feel guilty about needing help yourself. Sometimes an listening ear is all that is needed. Trying to explain to your kids is probably the hardest of all. Try some spontaneous fun when he is feeling 'good', it may be short lived but I have learned that the small times are that much more important now. Good luck and know that your not alone.

    • Rocky
      Apr. 28, 2012
      I'm so very sorry. I am getting a divorce. My husband is also "angry-man". He has "agitated depression". I am the one with multiple health issues keeping me from working. It sounds like you do have to save yourself? My husband berated me all the time, and I wonder what that's like for a kid's selfconfidence. My adrenals are shot from the stress of trying to...
      RHMLucky777
      Read More
      I'm so very sorry. I am getting a divorce. My husband is also "angry-man". He has "agitated depression". I am the one with multiple health issues keeping me from working. It sounds like you do have to save yourself? My husband berated me all the time, and I wonder what that's like for a kid's selfconfidence. My adrenals are shot from the stress of trying to please him. It's never the right thing no matter what you do for some people. I hope you found a place of peace.
    • Anonymous
      fed up
      Jan. 20, 2010

      I am so sorry to hear all of your posts. My Husband has chronic pain in his back now for almost 6 years. At the same time, It relieves me to know that I am not the only one in this situation. And yes it is tearing us apart...we have a 2 1/2 year old. We need to get an artificial disc but of course Insurance doesn't want to pay for it. That is the only thing...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      I am so sorry to hear all of your posts. My Husband has chronic pain in his back now for almost 6 years. At the same time, It relieves me to know that I am not the only one in this situation. And yes it is tearing us apart...we have a 2 1/2 year old. We need to get an artificial disc but of course Insurance doesn't want to pay for it. That is the only thing holding us back right now. I also know about the ending his life comments and statements. It is so sad to see our loved ones in this situation. All you can do is stay positive and know that God will help us through this one way or another and know that everything happens for a reason, to teach us something or put us in this situation for some odd reason. It is nice to vent and know that I am not alone. Hope that everyone gets help soon.  

  • Chip Davis
    Jul. 29, 2007

    I also suffer from chronic pain in my c-spine from ddd.  One day I woke up and realized I had lost the use of my right arm.  There was pain shooting from my fingertips and I had burning pain in my cervical spine.   I had surgery to repair a pinched nerve but the surgery did nothing to aliviate the unbearible pain from...

    RHMLucky777

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    I also suffer from chronic pain in my c-spine from ddd.  One day I woke up and realized I had lost the use of my right arm.  There was pain shooting from my fingertips and I had burning pain in my cervical spine.   I had surgery to repair a pinched nerve but the surgery did nothing to aliviate the unbearible pain from the base of my spine to C7.

     

    Here's what I did and it may be something you want to investigate to help your husband chronic pain and depression.

     

    First I would recommend getting a second opinion.  Why?  If you have lost trust in your physician, it is often helpful to get an opinion from another neurosurgeon or neurologist.  If you haven't had recent films, MRI and x-ray, you might request a new set to compare what is on the earlier ones to these new -- more recent films. 

     

    I don't know from your question if your husband had a reduction or removal of  a disc and fusion.  It is important to keep an eye out for further degeneration or pinching of  nerves.  I can tell you from personal experience a pinched nerve will bring you to your knees.

     

    If your consult sees a pinched nerve or possibly the disc pertruding out and pressing against the Central Nervous System, then more surgery may be called for.

     

    In the meantime, try to get a referal to a pain management clinic.  Most state universities have one and there are many good private clinics.  Ask others for a referral.  A friend, a physical therapists and physicians can help you decide one that will be most beneficial to your husband's condition.  If you find a pain clinic the utilizes a multidisiplinary approach -- all the better.  

     

    A multidisiplinary approach will, more than likely, include medication, that includes pain medications and possibly antidepressents; biofeedback and physical therapy.  Good pain management centers will work with you both before and after any surgery that may be deemed necessary.  Biofeedback is useful by teaching to use the heart beat and breathing to relax the muscles, calm the nerves and reduce pain as a result.  It may sound like an insane idea to talk about physical therapy.  Your husband does not need "back to work" therapy which many mistake the therapy most often prescribed for chronic pain.  With chronic pain patients a specalized treatment program must be developed with both your doctor and your physical therapists.  It will, more than likely, include stretching, gentle massage, and possibly some strength training.  Muscles that stay tight can't be brought back to their normal form and often become atrophied.  The therapist, if he/she is worth their weight in gold, knows the correct plan your husband should try and will work with your physician through progress reports to determine is any change is necessary and the duration and to what degree of therapy will be needed.   

     

    It's a very long road.  I will take time until your husband will find what it is that will work best for his condition.  Don't take no for an answer if you and your physician cannot agree.  Seek out and find the best combination of physicans, surgeons, medicaton, biofeedback  and physical therapists to get your husband's pain to a manageable level.

     

    I found this combination enough to lengthen the time that is needed between surgeries.  I will never have the same life I had before the DDD and neither will your husband but with a good doctor  and the other treatment options I've talked about, he can live with a much better quality of life.

     

    I hope this will be helpful to you and to your husband.

     

    Chip 

    • stressin1
      Jul. 29, 2007
      Thank for the helpful info. My husband had fusion of L5-S1. He then several years later, had all the hardware removed because of increased pain.He also suffers from multiple other conditions,high blood pressure, heart disease, IBS, depression, anxiety,nerve damge from a broken foot and the list goes on. He has seen pain management here in our town but his answer...
      RHMLucky777
      Read More
      Thank for the helpful info. My husband had fusion of L5-S1. He then several years later, had all the hardware removed because of increased pain.He also suffers from multiple other conditions,high blood pressure, heart disease, IBS, depression, anxiety,nerve damge from a broken foot and the list goes on. He has seen pain management here in our town but his answer to everything was more narcotics. My husband is only 37 and we still have a 3 three children at home. My husband wants to be able to function with them so doesnt want to take more until absolutly needed. The meds make him lose his concentration he says, yet to everyone else including myself he looks fine. He has already ran into problems because of the increased resistance to pain medications. He had a colonoscopy were he couldn't be sedated properly. He is on a plethora of medications already and every time he sees a PCP when his on vacation all he gets "you are on an awful lot of medication for someone your age" We will definately take in to consideration of finding a new pain management doc. It is nice to know that someone else has had the same struggles finding proper care in this long never ending battle.
    • Anonymous
      learning to cope
      Sep. 16, 2007

      My husband also has chronic back pain.  I am also struggling to find ways to help.  Your story is basically a mirror image of his experience.  We are finding less understanding from all of the doctor's.  At this point we will be returning to a physican we saw a year ago, this is after 4 seperate opinions.  We keep going around in...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      My husband also has chronic back pain.  I am also struggling to find ways to help.  Your story is basically a mirror image of his experience.  We are finding less understanding from all of the doctor's.  At this point we will be returning to a physican we saw a year ago, this is after 4 seperate opinions.  We keep going around in circles. 

       

      He is starting pool therapy this week.  We are hoping that the boyent nature of the water will enable him to move more freely.  He is so frustrated, and I am too. 

       

      I think I need someone to just speak with about it-I am hoping to find another person whose's spouse is dealing with this-so we can help eachother cope. 

       

    • Anonymous
      I know how you ...
      Sep. 16, 2007

      I am so sorry that you and your husband have to go through this. My husband had spinal surgery a year ago and is only 31. He was hit in the hip by a car while on his bicycle, life has never been the same since then. He has been on constant pain meds also and the doctors he meets treat him like a drug seeker when he does not want to even be on them in the first...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      I am so sorry that you and your husband have to go through this. My husband had spinal surgery a year ago and is only 31. He was hit in the hip by a car while on his bicycle, life has never been the same since then. He has been on constant pain meds also and the doctors he meets treat him like a drug seeker when he does not want to even be on them in the first place. He has also found that the medication starts to not help after a while and has now began drinking to dull the pain. The only thing he has found that helps is to be in the water, since gravity is not his friend. He tries to go twice a week or more. We have a 4 year old daughter and it is hard for us because we feel so helpless, like there is nothing we can do for him. I hope this helps.

    • stressin1
      Sep. 18, 2007
      Sorry to hear someone is in the same boat. I wouldn't wish this life changing condition on my worse enemy. My husband found water therapy helpful. Unfortunately insurance doesn't pay for a lot and public pool is out of the question do to social anxiety. my husband has found a understanding PCP and he will not be leaving even though the doc always seems...
      RHMLucky777
      Read More
      Sorry to hear someone is in the same boat. I wouldn't wish this life changing condition on my worse enemy. My husband found water therapy helpful. Unfortunately insurance doesn't pay for a lot and public pool is out of the question do to social anxiety. my husband has found a understanding PCP and he will not be leaving even though the doc always seems to be runnng behind and waiting can sometimes take hours. I have an unique situation that my best freind for 25 plus yrs also suffers. We can talk and sometimes she is the only thing that keeps me sane. I think it is very important to have someone who knows what you are going through to talk to.Coworkers don't get having a spouse who is in constant pain and how life altering it can be. A lot of the time they look at me like I'm making it up and no way is my husband that bad off at "his age" The pain can sometimes take over every one in the household because things have to be changed to accomodate the one suffering.My best advise I have ever gotten is from my best freind ' Always find a few minutes a day for yourself '  I find just turning up the radio and singing along on the way home sometimes is all I need to help me cope. Hope you both are able to find someone to understand how life altering chronic pain can be.Big Smile Sometimes an understanding smile can also help.
    • Anonymous
      stephanie
      Jun. 24, 2008

      My name is Stephanie, I  realize this is an old post but I am dealing with the same or similar circumstances that you are and I am desperate for someone to communicate with regarding this.  I am so frustrated, I don't know how to help him and could really use someone who understands this to talk to. 

    • stressin1
      Jun. 24, 2008

      Hi Stephanie sorry to hear about your struggles. I occasionaly check in and read posts.Life can seem so unfair somedays. Do please take time for yourself and don't feel gulty about it. I think that is one of my biggest struggles. My husband and myself took our two youngest to an amusement park recently and it was very obvious how much my husband is struggling...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      Hi Stephanie sorry to hear about your struggles. I occasionaly check in and read posts.Life can seem so unfair somedays. Do please take time for yourself and don't feel gulty about it. I think that is one of my biggest struggles. My husband and myself took our two youngest to an amusement park recently and it was very obvious how much my husband is struggling now. I do try to keep a positive spine on everything but somedays my husband just gets more depressed and grouchy. I have learned in the past several months to 'don't sweat the small stuff' and try to enjoy the day as much as possible. I try to let him have his bad days and cherish the good days even more. I will keep a closer eye on posts if you need to vent. It really does help. Good Luck

    • Anonymous
      islandgirl
      Jun. 26, 2008

      I have been reading all of the posts and have been crying and crying.  Partly because I am in the same boat as all of you, trying to cope with my husbands chronic pain.  And partly because I know what you are going through and my heart aches for you.

       

      As my husband says, "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy".  I am amazed that he deals...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      I have been reading all of the posts and have been crying and crying.  Partly because I am in the same boat as all of you, trying to cope with my husbands chronic pain.  And partly because I know what you are going through and my heart aches for you.

       

      As my husband says, "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy".  I am amazed that he deals with it as well as he does.  He has had back surgery many years ago but now has spinal stenosis that just keeps getting worse.  And the sad thing is that for those with spine problems the future is not bright.  You cope day to day, sometimes minute to minute and do the best you can.  He takes meds as well but just as many of you have said, after taking them for years they aren't as effective.  And many days, no matter how much he takes, the pain is intense.

       

      I just want you to know that I am very happy to correspond with anyone who just needs someone else who understands.  We can be there for each other. 

      If you are interested maybe we can swap emails.

    • Anonymous
      learning to cope
      Jun. 26, 2008

      I would like to exchange emails with anyone that would like to become a buddy.  I find that I really have no one that truly understands.  It is not like he is diagnosed with a death sentance, but there are days that he feels like killing himself. 

      He has now developed IBS and when is going thru an attack he sits in the bathroom and moans. ...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      I would like to exchange emails with anyone that would like to become a buddy.  I find that I really have no one that truly understands.  It is not like he is diagnosed with a death sentance, but there are days that he feels like killing himself. 

      He has now developed IBS and when is going thru an attack he sits in the bathroom and moans.  I have become numb-which to some may seem like I don't care-but that is the exact opposite.

      please contact me if you would like to communicate

      ladychefbug@gmail.com

      I have seeked counsel from professionals but they don't understand.  They want to know exactly what is wrong with him-I understand the whole doctor thinks your seeking drugs thing etc.... Your experience sounds like a mirror image of mine. 

      please contact me I promise I can help even if it is for us to both vent on those days when you feel all alone.

      learning to cope

    • Rocky
      Apr. 28, 2012
      All of Chip's advise is excellent! I have a back that grew wrong, it's called scheuerman's disease, but it's a groth abnormality. I crept up on a lot of pain, and maybe that has helped in that I had years to find coaping skills. Still, pain sucks and is depressing. One of the first good things to happen in my twenties (i'm 54) was to take a community class,...
      RHMLucky777
      Read More
      All of Chip's advise is excellent! I have a back that grew wrong, it's called scheuerman's disease, but it's a groth abnormality. I crept up on a lot of pain, and maybe that has helped in that I had years to find coaping skills. Still, pain sucks and is depressing. One of the first good things to happen in my twenties (i'm 54) was to take a community class, non credit. Self-hypnosis one and self hypnosis two. I learned relaxation skills that have gotten me through a LOT in the last 30 years. A pain clinic is great, lots of techniques for biofeedback and self hypnosis, but I spent $ 36,000 without insurance on the last one I went to. Self hypnosis has gotten me through drilling my teeth when the medicine didn't work to deaden nerves. It'll easily give you confidence for an epidural, or facet injections. I have learned to stop a repetitive muscle spasm through imagery and a pair of imaginary scissors and imaginary nerve. Of course that's crisis managment. Day to Day can actually be more depressing. Bowels not moving is another horrid cycle. I have recently found a wonderful psychiatrist, but I am exquisitely sensitive to medications. I can't tolerate antidepressants. She implied my physician wasn't running enough specific thyroid tests (hypothyroid/hashimotos) and she ran adrenal tests, and my horrid sleep pattern/lack of - is now explained. The stress has finally fatigued my adrenals, and they are supposed to do a lot! Googled thyroid-mood-depression, and saw what she was getting at. Plus the neurotransmitter panel she ran showed 9 of 12 were low. I have finally found a good endocrinologist. Good, not OK. For years they treated my thyroid incorrectly. Now I have read a LOT about T4,T3, reverse T3, and found out my thyroid has to get an enzyme from the adrenals, and they aren't working. Maybe NONE of the hormone stuff applies in someone else's case. The point is that we have to keep searching. How many times will you get up after being knocked down. Tomorrow I may be a cry baby again, but one day I'm gonna get up again and try to learn something new. You have no other choices. Anyone can quit, true heroism is asting one minute longer. Hang on to the edge of the broken ice, and just keep hanging on. It's cold and it's really hard, but that's what we do. I have factory defect feet, an ex bf messed up my jaw. Have auto antibodies to connective tissue, thyroid, vitiligo (skin color). My apartment was sprayed with chlordane and we all got sick. I have headaches, memory problems, fibromyalgia. Topped it all off by having breast implants for five years, and created more pain for myself. I have Multiple Chemical Sensitivities. What are you gonna do? Cry, get up, cry, get up, ....
    • Anonymous
      Tiani
      Sep. 15, 2008

      My brother was just diagnosed with Cervical Degenerative Disc Disease. He is 29 years old. I am a Massage Therapist and I was reading through all the comments...thinking that Massage would help if coupled with your doctors recommendations. I understand there are good days and bad days. It would be of great assistance if, on your good days, a Licensed Massage...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      My brother was just diagnosed with Cervical Degenerative Disc Disease. He is 29 years old. I am a Massage Therapist and I was reading through all the comments...thinking that Massage would help if coupled with your doctors recommendations. I understand there are good days and bad days. It would be of great assistance if, on your good days, a Licensed Massage Therapist in your area were to work with the intention of creating relief. It is important to work with either a physical therapist or your regular doctor to assure no further damage. With disc degeneration and injuries muscle spasms serve an important protective function for newly damaged discs, and releasing it too soon can create more pain and discomfort for you, the client. Working with several professionals together can help you feel better overall and maybe give you more good days and less bad days. I hope this helps...I would be glad to be a person you can vent to. My brother does it all the time. That's what big sisters are for lol.
      A Votre Sante "To Your Health"

    • Rocky
      Apr. 28, 2012
      Massage is a gift from the god's of all things good on earth. Now if Medicare would pay for it?
    • Jen
      Jen
      Oct. 19, 2010

      hello,

      Im not sure how old your post is , but you hit the nail on the head..i was crying as i read these post..they all sound like me and my husband..it feels so good not to be alone...my husband has had 3 cervical neck fusions, rods and plates in this neck...same situation..he has been on pain meds for years they just don't work anymore..his tolerance is so...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      hello,

      Im not sure how old your post is , but you hit the nail on the head..i was crying as i read these post..they all sound like me and my husband..it feels so good not to be alone...my husband has had 3 cervical neck fusions, rods and plates in this neck...same situation..he has been on pain meds for years they just don't work anymore..his tolerance is so high that he has to take so many..then meds don't last..he is scared to talk to docs because they accuse u of just drug seeking..its so hard to deal with... my name is Jennifer. thanks again for your post

    • stressin1
      Oct. 19, 2010

      Jennifer Sorry to hear about all of your troubles. Only advice I can give is hang in there and tell your husband to TALK to his doctor. My husband did find an understanding doctor and it helped tremendously. The stress caused by the doctors making him feel like a drug seeker caused him to feel worse. Once the stress of knowing a health professional believed...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      Jennifer Sorry to hear about all of your troubles. Only advice I can give is hang in there and tell your husband to TALK to his doctor. My husband did find an understanding doctor and it helped tremendously. The stress caused by the doctors making him feel like a drug seeker caused him to feel worse. Once the stress of knowing a health professional believed him was alleviated he started to feel some hope and therefor his pain became more managable. Stress can make things so much more. Go get a funny movie and laughter can help alot. I would recommend an old Disney movie( Ugliest Daschund) it is super corny but funny none the less. Hope things start to look up.

    • Elizabeth
      Nov. 17, 2011

      My husband has been suffering with chronic pain due to spinal surgeries and nerve damage for over 15 years.  He has seen every doctor available and pain consultants too but the only thing they can offer is pain pills which turn him into a zombie and not much of a companion.  He is now weaning off a serious narcotic they put him on and his pain is...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      My husband has been suffering with chronic pain due to spinal surgeries and nerve damage for over 15 years.  He has seen every doctor available and pain consultants too but the only thing they can offer is pain pills which turn him into a zombie and not much of a companion.  He is now weaning off a serious narcotic they put him on and his pain is increasing as well as his irritability from the side effects of the withdrawal.  I have a hard time in the marriage as, for years now, the pain and his condition have dominated the relationship to the point that it is more a caregiver and patient type relationship.  I know that he can't help this or his horrible bad moods and anger over his situation, but it has deeply affected me too.  I am feeling quite lonely and don't seem to have a partner anymore.  What does a person do in a situation like this? 

       

      Feeling hopeless....

    • Struggling
      Aug. 08, 2012

      Hi all,

       

      I have found that these posts accurately describe the situation I am in.  I am in a 1.5 year relationship with a man who has been in agonising pain for years - he is 35 and his knee is completely destroyed, he can't walk more than 50 metres.  He has been in this pain the entire time I have known him.

       

      I can't even begin to...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      Hi all,

       

      I have found that these posts accurately describe the situation I am in.  I am in a 1.5 year relationship with a man who has been in agonising pain for years - he is 35 and his knee is completely destroyed, he can't walk more than 50 metres.  He has been in this pain the entire time I have known him.

       

      I can't even begin to understand how much this affects him, or what it feels like to be in constant agony, and on such strong medication. 

       

      He is a lovely man, and I love him but even so, I really struggle to cope with his bleak outlook on life, and his grumpiness. They are not all the time, but they are around far too much for me to be happy about planning on making a life with him.  I am trying to hold out for his knee replacement - which might cure his pain!, the doctors are pretty confident - in the hope that this pessimism and bad mood will lessen a lot - but sometimes I think I am just being a fool, and that I should either accept him as he is, or leave him, but not hope for him to change so much. Especially because I think now that maybe the pain has made a permanent mark on his personality, and even with the pain gone, he may still be grumpy.

       

      Has anyone had any experience with partners not being in pain anymore, and whether things get better when that happens?

       

      Many thanks for any help!

       

       

    • frustrated spouse
      May. 29, 2011

      Dear Downward Spiral.

       

      My husband has been dealing w/ back pain for years as well.  We've seen at least 5 docs, tried epidurals, drugs, PT etc.  Currently we are working towards getting an artificial disc replacement for several of his ruptured discs.  The issues are hard to deal with, even w/ some hope in the near future.  But we...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      Dear Downward Spiral.

       

      My husband has been dealing w/ back pain for years as well.  We've seen at least 5 docs, tried epidurals, drugs, PT etc.  Currently we are working towards getting an artificial disc replacement for several of his ruptured discs.  The issues are hard to deal with, even w/ some hope in the near future.  But we own a business together and have had to file BK as he has been unable to help much due to his back.  He suffers from depression (despite meds), mood swings and anger a lot.  I get so frustrated working my job, his job, cleaning house and so forth with no thanks and usually getting 'snipped' at for something.  I try to understand that he is in pain.  I try to understand the amount of pain I can't even imagine.  But we have fights a lot, and then my confidence suffers since I KNOW I should be more supportive.  So we both deal with the depression issue.  It seems hopeless, and I have made stupid ultimatums.  He 'fuels the fire' in that he is much more helpful (both @ home & work) after we have a fight.  I hate that I feel like S...  emotionally but relieved physically.  It's crazy and I don't know how long I will understand or not...  We can't afford counselling, esp trying to save $$ for an 'experimental' surgery.  Thanks for listening and for sharing.

    • Anonymous
      left to die
      Feb. 13, 2012

      ASK yourself, what would he do if it was you in massive pain, and if you were what  would  you  do, and how you  would be, you have to amagine the worst pain ever times a million,, that never  ever ends,,,, not even for  a second, how  wld  you  feel if he felt  the way you  do right now, you both have...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      ASK yourself, what would he do if it was you in massive pain, and if you were what  would  you  do, and how you  would be, you have to amagine the worst pain ever times a million,, that never  ever ends,,,, not even for  a second, how  wld  you  feel if he felt  the way you  do right now, you both have to work together to cope with  this, find somethings that  can help you, im a severe  cronic pain suffer'r with  almost no  pain releif im inconpasitaited 100 percent, iv been through all of this or  am going throught it, dont let this health issue ruin who you both are together,,,,, what will you do if it  was a diffrent kind of illness ??? how  would you handle it???, you  need to  rethink how your coping, both of you, i will tell you the number one  best  thing you  can do  for  him is try to give  him all the  support you  can , hold  him on the  days he crys,,, he  would you if he were able to im sure you both love eacother, maybe try extremly  gentel massage on him to help with the  stress and  pain he feels, if you can help him feel a little better it  will make  him feel a little better so he  can be there  a little more to help you cope with  your emotional state,, a warm bath  for  both of you together helps pain muscles and mindset, and restrenthens your bond and love,,,  i  have to go for now, to much pain, good luck i hope  this helps, if you dont  work together  you  will end up working apart! and seek a person who gives good advice in your area to help find  some way to get  counceling, its imparative you do,,,,, will bbk when im able to, stay strong,

      

    • How?
      Jul. 24, 2012
      Thank you for that! Now I'm going to go upstairs and hug my husband Ann's tell him I live him and hold him tight! I haven't been there enough
    • ava marie
      Apr. 17, 2013

      i feel the same way as you do my husband suffers from fibromyagia his moods change out of nowhere and when we do fight its all my fault i am the one who is crazy we can have good days but are bad days are really bad..we could be joking and playing with each other and it turns into a fight something switches his mood he also gets fog brain he dosent remember...

      RHMLucky777

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      i feel the same way as you do my husband suffers from fibromyagia his moods change out of nowhere and when we do fight its all my fault i am the one who is crazy we can have good days but are bad days are really bad..we could be joking and playing with each other and it turns into a fight something switches his mood he also gets fog brain he dosent remember things he forgets what he is doing or how many pills he takes i am always worried how every minute of the day will go..it seems like we just dont get along anymore but i do love him i know he is in pain i have been married to him for almost 17 years we have 2 kids a boy who is 11 years old a daughter 8 years old i want to keep my family together but i really want us to be happy i need to learn how to cope with his pain and moods it would be nice to be able to talk with other people that feels the same way..thanks for listening.. 

    • ava marie
      Apr. 19, 2013

      well today i am very tired i didnt get any sleep last nite my husband was wide awake he didnt sleep that well so when i woke up i was very tired got kids ready for school tried hard not to be moody then my husband brought up a issue and instead of him being mean i felt myself be really mean its really sad because i dont want to be like that specially in...

      RHMLucky777

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      well today i am very tired i didnt get any sleep last nite my husband was wide awake he didnt sleep that well so when i woke up i was very tired got kids ready for school tried hard not to be moody then my husband brought up a issue and instead of him being mean i felt myself be really mean its really sad because i dont want to be like that specially in front of my kids i dont know how to keep my cool anymore my family my husband means the world to me but i cant fix everything when my husband has bad days with his fibermyolgia my happy days go bad when he is happy i seem to ruin his day i want us to have good days together i just know that my stomach hurt so bad deep inside i feel so bad for being so mean it happens alot anymore that i can be mean i have never felt so bad deep in my soul my huband needs support not  a mean wife... all i can say is please god help me lord i need you in my life everyday every minute give me strength, patience,and a careing heart keep my family together that is my prayer everyday i am not perfect lord please forgive me and let my familly forgive me for being a mean person...Cry  thanks everyone for listening just need to vent alot....

    • ava marie
      May. 09, 2013

      Well today was not that good my husband went to coffee  and when he came back i was tryimg to get kids ready for school and sign all of thier papers to send back to school i was talking out loud reading everything and my husband said well does it have a place to sign it so i told hime wait this is my paper work so he got mad and didnt talk to me all...

      RHMLucky777

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      Well today was not that good my husband went to coffee  and when he came back i was tryimg to get kids ready for school and sign all of thier papers to send back to school i was talking out loud reading everything and my husband said well does it have a place to sign it so i told hime wait this is my paper work so he got mad and didnt talk to me all day he suffers from fibroymylgia so he is very senseitive if i get smart with him but i felt like he takes it to far i said sorry but that never works well i am just sorry that my rushing around and answering him so fast the way i did got him so upset i wish that he would understand that i have feelings to i am always trying to make sure i am sensetive to his pain i try my best its hard at times but i love him its not his fault he hurts i pray i can get better at how i act around him i hate when he doesnt say anything to me like i dont even live here .... lord help me .... 

    • ava marie
      Jul. 12, 2013

      Well here i am again i havent been on for awhile but since today was a struggle with my husband he is depressed not feeling good it started yesterday i can tell just by his face its going to be hard it just happens out of nowhere he shuts me out doesnt want nothing just cant make him happy at times like this he was doing good for a little over a month controling...

      RHMLucky777

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      Well here i am again i havent been on for awhile but since today was a struggle with my husband he is depressed not feeling good it started yesterday i can tell just by his face its going to be hard it just happens out of nowhere he shuts me out doesnt want nothing just cant make him happy at times like this he was doing good for a little over a month controling his pain and depression but fibromyylgia has made its rounds again although it never goes away..i think the medicine makes him feel this way he used to be a happy man he has to make himself feel happy specialy for the kids i just want my husband back i want him to be pain free happy live a long healthy life it just hurts to see him like this LORD PLEASE HELP MY HUSBAND i pray everyday...i love him so much i dont know what to do but hide in a room and cry and pray...this hurts so bad !!!

    • slewfoot
      Sep. 20, 2012

      Google High Power Magnetic Jewelry and order  a high power belt. I have 18 in. rods in my back and have alot of pain with my back. I cannot lay in a bed for more than two hour without severe pain. I wear one of the belts and can stay in bed for six hours without pain.

    • Gerri Detweiler
      Aug. 03, 2013



      Last year I broke up with my girlfriend due to many misunderstandings and I remember very well how hard I had been fighting to get her back. She changed her number, changed her job so that I don’t visit her office and none of her friends would give me any information about her. The only thing I could do was to go find help from anywhere, so i looked for...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More



      Last year I broke up with my girlfriend due to many misunderstandings and I remember very well how hard I had been fighting to get her back. She changed her number, changed her job so that I don’t visit her office and none of her friends would give me any information about her. The only thing I could do was to go find help from anywhere, so i looked for a way to get her back then a friend recommended me to contact dr.marnish@yahoo.com that he will help me and as my friend said, dr.marnish helped me to bring back my girlfriend just in 3 days, I now have her back and this is the biggest joy of my life
      Gerri Detweiler