Multiple Sclerosis (MS) is a progressive and often disabling disease of the Central Nervous System (CNS) that can manifest in many ways. Symptoms range from numbness, vision problems, balance and mobility issues, bladder dysfunction, and cognitive and emotional problems to name a few.  We don’t all have the same symptoms but it is rare not to hear of someone with MS who does not fight a severe level of fatigue, which can come on suddenly and often make it impossible for the person to function. 

Chronic Pain can be a result of an injury, surgery, or a birth defect, and can last long after the initial problem that has caused the pain.  I for instance have been in increasingly worse pain since I was 12 years old.  I never really understood what I had the pain for initially, but that didn't really matter.  Now I just know that I have chronic pain syndrome in my spine and legs, and I pray constantly that it will be taken away.  

From here on in this essay you can use the words Chronic Pain and Multiple Sclerosis interchangeably, and you will find they both make sense. 

We all look at the changes these illnesses have on our minds and bodies differently.  I often consider them to be failures, mostly because before being diagnosed with MS, in the 1990s, I lived with chronic pain from a spinal condition, yet I was able to fight through it and continue to achieve my goals even though I had four spinal surgeries and lived with increasing, intractable pain almost every day.  It took me a long time to realize that chronic pain and MS are different, one not easier than the other, just different.

There have been the big defeats I have had to accept because of these illnesses and each one was overwhelming in how it affected my spirits and life.  Some of these include:

• Making certain career decisions because my health could not tolerate heavy travel requirements or long hours;
• Having my financial status greatly diminished when I had to leave work, so I sold my house and co-op;
• Not being able to drive anymore so I moved into NYC so I could use public transportation;
• Not being able to be the Grandmother I always planned on being; I could not lift the boys and could not keep them overnight, yet when they grow up I still hope to take them to museums, movies, theatre, zoos, and do other fun things, although I don’t know about taking them on the same trips I had enjoyed taking their mother;
• The loss of many friends because I end up canceling plans due to pain, fatigue or some other MS symptom;
• Reading was always my escape and favorite pastime but my double and blurry vision from the MS makes it very difficult for me now, even with the largest NOOK font;
• Having similar problems with my writing, and,
• Feeling the loss of self-esteem and self-confidence each time I am not able to fulfill a plan, speak in public or find a word when I am writing, attend an event in a wheelchair or motorized scooter, or cannot lift my 1 or 3 year old Grandson to my lap when they want to play.